Where I Kiss My Childhood Goodbye

Thursday, September 01, 2005

AGHHHH!!

I feel like screaming. Damn it, ~~everyone~~ everything I "do" these days, I feel.

I feel like screaming.
I feel like crying.
I feel like dying.
I feel like breaking down.
I feel like killing someone.

Damn it, don't I ever do anything anymore?!?

All I ever do is think and feel.

Which is fine, you know, cause if I did do everything I feel, I'd kill off half the population with my now-constant bitchyness and spaz fits.

I swear, why did NO ONE tell me that we were taking pictures yesterday?!?

I didn't get the package, so all I heard about was a sleepover a month later. Not one word bout pictures.

NO ONE!! Melissa barely mentioned it to me. Everyone else said NOTHING about it.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G. NOTHING!

So I turned up looking like complete crap while every other girl looked stunning in their perfectly styled hair, excessive make-up, cutest outfits, perfect body.

Don't get me wrong. I'm mighty comfortable with my face and body. True, there are times I feel incompetent. But generally, I know I'm a pretty asian, I have a skinny body, I have a waist, I have an ass, I have hips, I have long legs for asians, I have sufficient curves. I have to say, I like me, like the skin I'm under, the body I'm in.

But if everyone is going to abuse the beautifying products, why don't I?

I NEVER put on an ounce of make-up, when half the girls turn up with a full mask. and the other half? Put such black crap on their eyes.

Damn, I look sexy.

But hey, it um... emphasizes your natural beauty. And almost every single girl does it, so I guess it's okay.

PFSH.

So would it kill to tell me to make myself up for this ONE DAY?!? No, right?

Damn it.

So I have to stand there gaping at everyone there, because they all look like movie stars.

May is drop-dead gorgeous, she has such nice curves now.
Mel is so fucking hott. In her 3-inch wedges and miniskirt and tight black top.
Kristen looked absolutely stunning. Perfect complexion, centimeter long lashes and all.
Madz shot up 2 inches, her new hair-cut making her look even better than she did before.

AND I LOOKED LIKE COMPLETE CRAP.

GODDAMN IT PEOPLE. Would it kill to tell me to dress up when everyone of you is going to look like movie stars?

Throwing you kisses @ 10:12 AM

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I am sooo bored.

Yet, I feel like breaking down.
Well, not literally, just you know, if feels like theres an anvil on my chest.

Goddamn anvils. They're so heavy. Almost heavy as Kaitai.

So maybe that's what's really on my chest, Kaitai.
Again, not literally.

God, I feel so empty all of a sudden. I feel so distant.

I guess it's finally sinking in that we are actually splitting up. This took me awhile. Graduation was 2 weeks ago, yet it's only now that I start to brood over it. This is so strange.

Well, during summer. It's just summer. Everyone's meant to be away. And I still hang with the people I like and care about. It's just another summer.

But now, it's going to be high school. Another school year. No, it's not just another school year. It's a school year without some of the people that I've grown to care about and love the most. I don't know how I would handle this. I'll survive, it's just sad, so very sad. Sometimes, it's almost like they're still going to the same school as me and I'm happy, but when I think about it. I realize how many people are leaving and how attached I am to some of them.

Like last week, Kristen asked me to get lockers with her. I started naming people that I would want with us.
Kaitai, Bridget, May, Madz, Dimitri, Sharon, Liam...
And I caught myself. Those people, those people that I've loved this past year, half of them won't even be here.

It felt so horrible. I felt like crying on the phone. Just let it go. But somehow, I can't cry anymore, the tears just rolled around in my socket, refusing to flow. So now I'm stuck with all these harmful emotions inside my body with no means of letting them loose.

It's almost like... I'm pms-ing again.

Damn, I need more calcium.

Now, that didn't come out of nowhere. Studies shown that calcium may reduce the symptoms of PMS. Majority of women's symptoms reduced after taking 1200mg calcium/day.

Damn right, it's better than yours.

Throwing you kisses @ 9:51 AM

_____________

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Speaking of msn.

People are using crazy talk.

I used to think that my chatspeaking was bad w/ my amazing abbrev dat only i undeestand. I 'ought ma trans4mation f words was supa koolioz. I think 133t is annoying. I think mixing Greek letters is cool. But hey, whatever I think or thought, at least its all still chatspeak.

Mispelling a word, morphing into something completely unrecognizable, however, is not appreciated.

It's like spelling "hot", not hott, nor hawt, nor hawtt, or however you spell it these days, but haught, or haut. I have one thing to say to that.

"?!?"

Haught

\Haught\, a. [See Haughty.] High; elevated; hence, haughty; proud. [Obs.] --Shak.

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

Or how about.

Haut

That's french for high.

Excuse me, hot is complimentary but high is just I don't know... weird.

Shayans Mistake

Oh sweetie, you're so seky. Puh-lease.

Oi. Maybe jocks really are all muscles and no brains. I mean, I don't think Veljko can ever get past "Iced T" in his vocabulary.

Throwing you kisses @ 6:24 PM

_____________

Damn. School is starting.

If I thought summer put us through distance. High school is gon be worse.

I barely saw him once every week. I see him what? Once every 2 weeks. And this is summer. The point of the year when I'm supposed to be free hanging with friends.

So when High School comes, with all the homework load shoved upon my shoulder, I don't know how much, or rather, how little I can see him. What's more, it's not just me then, I might be in Gifted, but he's going into IB. Jeez. Smart smart people and our tragedies.

O wow, how melodramatic do I sound?

But hey. I gotta look on the bright side. At least he only has baseball on Fridays now. Well... assuming he doesn't get on the Ontario Blue Jays team. But I hope he does. Even though that means more dedication to baseball and less to me. Cause... well, I know he wants to. He likes baseball. And that's kinda a big deal to him.

And besides, I can always amuse myself temporarily with the thought that now with his new msn name, he's always close to me. And I'm always on top of him. *grin*

Well, at least on my msn contact window.

Throwing you kisses @ 5:52 PM

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

Good. Now that that's done and over with. I can let logic take over.

There's something very wrong with me.

It's not my personality.
It's not my anger.
It's an illness.

I'm sick.
I think I'm actually sick.

I can't stand myself. I'm so disgusted by who I am, by what I do.
But still, I love me. The me that everyone knows, the me that I thought I knew.

Then why do I still act this way?
Then why do I still behave this way?

I know it's wrong.
I know it's sick.
I know it's demented.

But I can't stop.

I can't.

I'm so scared.
Who am I?
I don't know.
Someone tell me!!

GODDAMN IT KAITAI. WHERE ARE YOU?!?

Someone please hold me, tell me who I am.
Someone please hold me, stop me from crying.
Someone please hold me, stop me from shaking.

I feel so strange.
So far from where I've been.
So far from what I've seen.
So far from what I know as me.
So far from what's sanity.
So close to being deranged.

It's not about the stationaries.
It's not about the money.
It's not about the right or wrong.

I don't even know what it's about anymore.

How can I just have such an outburst all of a sudden?
It's not human.

I kicked and screamed.
I was screeching. Like a dog.
Like a female dog.
Like a bitch.
I was screeching in dog frequency mode. In a frequency that hurts my ears.
In a frequency so high, in a pitch so sharp, it pierced right through my heart.

I lost me.
Where was I?
Where was the Dorcy I knew?
Someone please find me!

I don't want to kick and trash the house, throwing everything in sight.
I don't want to slap my dad on the arm even after he was nice enough to agree to take me out.
I don't want to get kicked for that.
I don't want to blast rock so loud that my eardrums hurt.
I don't want to do what I did.
I don't want to do see what I saw.
I don't wnat to hear what I heard.
I don't want to be what I was.

I was some wild lunatic on the loose. I couldn't stop. I couldn't.
I just kept crying and screeching sounds.
I was so upset. I was so mad.
So mad.
So blinded by my supposed anger.
So blinded that I couldn't see what I was doing.
So blinded that I couldn't even see myself anymore.

My mom came in and told me that I had no right to blast those dreaded sounds that I call music so loud.
She might not be able to control me, but I had to right to interfere with her life.
Was what she said.

I might not be able to tell mom what to do, but she had no right to interfere with my life.
Which is exactly what she's doing by standing in front of my bloodshot eyes that she didn't care to look into.
Was what I said.

What did I do?

Yada Yada.
Yak yak.

I'm sick.

I need a counseller.
I'm scared.

It's freaky, you say?
It is. It is.

I'm freaking myself out.
I've never been like this.
If you can't imagine me kicking
screeching
slapping
throwing
swearing
I assure you. Neither can I.
I think I'm mentally unsound.

My mom doesn't know why I became a nutcase.
She thinks I'm a money-lunatic.
But I'm not.

Thats what it all appears to be.
But it's not.
Not at all.

I can't write anymore.
I'm numb.
I want to cry.
I want to cry.
I want to cry.
I JUST WANT TO CRY.

Throwing you kisses @ 5:54 PM

_____________

I swear, one of these days I'm going to lose it.

I just got back from Melissas after splurging on stationaries or is it stationeries and I just went ballistic because my parents wont pay for it.

It's such fucked up logic.

I buy clothes with my own money, I understand.
I buy shoes with my own money, I understand.
I buy the little cosmetics that catches my fancy with my money, I understand.
I buy junk food with my own money, I understand.
I buy CRAP with my own money, I understand.

BUT FUCK YOU!!!

YOU, yes fucking you! should godamn pay for my school crap.

I do not swear, I never did. But when I did, I swore at you.

Fuck it, even if you don't care, you can put up with it. I can't. I cannot stand swearing. It makes me feel so vulgar and primitive. It makes me feel so dirty, so filthy and I'm fucking swearing at FUCKING YOU!! MY VERY OWN FUCKING FUCKED UP PARENTS!!

I promised myself that I will not swear no more but yet I still utter these profanities. AT YOU!

Well, for that I thank you...

but

FUCK YOU!!

Who tells me I need to get into some crap university all the time?
Who tells me there's bagillion of dollars at stake depending on if I get into university?
Who screams at me when I messed up on one of my assignments?
Who required an interview that completely shattered my already shattered soul?
Who is never satistfied with my 90's average?
Who is always telling me that some random girl got 98's when she has the asian 6 pack and I had fucking humanitites?

GODDAMN FUCKING YOU!

Who never talks to me?
Who never listens to me?
Who never understands me?
Who never tries?

GODDAMN FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING YOU!

Yes, yet you want me to pay for all my own stuff, claiming its my future and I should pay for my own future, do whatever I want with what I can get.

O really?

THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Throwing you kisses @ 2:56 PM

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Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy