Saturday, November 27, 2004
i don't know how mitri pulled it off, but he managed to find my blog. well, the old one anyways, and so its pretty outta date but there obviously was enough info there for him to make the judgement that He was kaitai. i'm no wiz with the computer but mitri obviously had enough skills and time to fish out my blog, so i gave the new one to him anyways. i mean, he already knows, whats a little more info gonna do? besides, he's completely trustworthy, unlike liam, who even though doesn't announce my blog to the entire school, drops enormous hints in school whenever he catches my eyes. i noe he's just doing that to agitate me but still.
so ya me and mitri had a "long" (not altogether that long, but it was lengthy) chat. well, i
really appreciate mitri's opinion on things, him being a guy and all, and its not liam's sarcasm, besides, liam doesn't know anything about having a crush, he too... shall i say... ditzy? so anyways, mitri told me that there was this huge rumor that kt like rachael last year. i just put like, tons of crying msn emotions into our convo rite then and there. ya, i noe im exaggerating, hey its msn, waddaya expect, but honestly, it wasn't a nice feeling anyways, i really
could cry. but thats really not the point of this paragraph. (wes: what is this: blogging or language class?? kt:haha, good one wes) well, mitri said that everyone could almost see it, but no one was really sure. kt is the kind that keeps his real feeling all to himself. i mean, like tell me bout it. its not as if kt wasn't hard enough to figure out b4.
as well as i can hide the fact that i have a crush on kt, its just not me to keep it all to myself. thats y i ahve gfs (+ a few trustworthy guy friends) for. i completely agree with mitri that bottling up all your emotions isn't good enough 4 you. but really, i share my feelings with ppl. mitri pointed out that keeping such
strong (ok, so he didn't bold it, but the occasion called 4 it (; ) feelings inside myself may lead to total un-interest, or complete break down when rejected. i noe i am obsessed and well the first few entries were quite intimidating, but i try to keep these feelings at bay and yes, if i do get rejected, i will have a break down, but its only natural, rite? i mean, i've thought bout the possible posibilities, so im prepared for all possible outcomes, rite? its not like the rejection (hopefully none) will come as a total shock and deliver a fatal blow, knocking me dead.
i mean kt's a guys' guy. everyone i've asked so far admits that. even
i've realized that, and i haven't been in JGA that long at all. its hard 2 imagine kt settling down. like above, its general knowledge, u dont need no reference for that. so... what it really is... to put it bluntly, i have no hope at all. mel, dont hit me. i mean, come on, who's big headed enough to think that the all too-good-4-me kt will fall for me?!?! not me. i know my boundaries, and kt's outta the question. *sob* sorry. *sob* but.. but... but.... i can always dream *sob*, cant i? kt's a too-good-to-be-true dream, a never-could-be-fulfilled wish, a never-possible fantasy, a guy who's just not ready to settle down yet, or too high up there to be dragged down to earth. *sob*
sorry, emotional break down there. *grin* but c? i noe what could possibly happen. i know i'll prob get rejected, so ya, i know what coming rite? that is, if i ever do tell him. wait, of course i will, i dont wanna end up like angel who crushed on a guy for 7 years without telling him. well, u guys know bout the promise of valentines (wow, that sounds so romantic...) and the liam factor, so ya, i'll prob end up telling kt WAY earlier. mitri suggested telling him day before winter break, and give kt 2 weeks 2 comtemplate it. *quote on quote* he has a point. out of all the possibilities, the ones i see happening the most is, "um.......ya...." or "cool........uh...........ya" or "uh........." or "............" well, you get the point. i dont know how is anyone supposed 2 react to that? so maybe i'll spare both of us the awkwardness when the time comes by just giving him a card or something and maybe he can tell me when he's ready.... sheesh, that sounded stupid. but any other suggestions?
o and, i just HAVE to get photoshop. i'm getting sick and tired of this layout. i desperately need to change it. it's so annoying!! and yes, i know there's lotsa awsm layouts out there, but i so much prefer ones i made myself so i'd rather put up with this layout for a couple more weeks. sigh*
.: 98 / 79 = 1.24 :.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:23 PM
Friday, November 26, 2004
i dont know what to make of 2day. all i know i'm extremely happy. maybe cause i was being extremely ditzy.
u noe what? i've come to realize that happy days are compiled of little nothings that builds u up little by little. big excitements wear off eventually but its those little things that really make ur day.
had a good day, nothing 2 eventful, cant wait to get hold of bree's chinese soap operas, u noe what? i've truly come to the realization that i have the worst parents EVER! but lets not let that ruin my mood, shall we?
so anyways, during lunch, everyone was playing football rite? i of course just walked round the field helping mel figure out a way to tell dvd that she didn't need a present for every single occasion- xmas, bday, and valentines. and i just roamed around and attempted to disrupt the game in a way or stood around chatting with random ppl. and then when the bell was about 2 ring, dvd goes to me, "u should go give kt a hug, he just got hit rite in the face."(by the football that is) i went, completely dumb and just stood there dumbly. i mean, i would DIE to give him a hug, but u noe, its kt. he'll prob go girls-have-cooties mode again. sigh* i really wish i could give him a hug but meh. no point in dreaming bout the impossible. he's so awsm and hot and everything else...
wait, wait... u noe what i've also realized?? LIAM is really good at football!!!! looks like there's more to ghetto boy (lolz) than i thought. o and, bree and lia patched up!! mwahahahahahaha. my doings at work!! *grin*
um after lunch, during library, we had these little slips of ppr where we're supposed to write down the stuff that we're bringing for the xmas drive down. i had one with a pink bow, mel got a yellow bowed one, and bree a pink bowed one like mine. i dont know, the yellow appealed to me more. so i switched with mel. it was then i realized that kt was a wearing a yellow shirt so i was like cool. then next thing i knew, i was doodling on my bow with my black pen, i guess i was subconciously doing kt's shirt collar and so ya, i had a bowtie that looked like kt's shirt. lolz. i scare myself sometime, 2 obsessive.
also, when kt was getting his math checked by Ms. A, mel and kristen was like,.... um... shall i say, um.... "staring" at his ass?.... no other way 2 put it. so ya, they called me over and i was like... uh..... uh..... then i started blushng etc etc etc. and 4 some reason, i started shaking mel so hard, o god, was i strangling her??? meanwhile screaming in a whisper (i know scream and whisper dont go 2gether, but thats the only way 2 put it), "he's mine! he's MINE!" and kristen was all like, oh-thats-real-subtle-dorcy. well, u noe what? he might realize that i like him, cause i dont thnk the secret is gonna last anyways what with liam's little mouthings and signals. besides, it's not like kt noes who "he" is anyways, hes probably thinking that im talking bout orlando or chad or some guy in teen ppl.
of course, sicne xmas is upcoming, we're having (hopefully) a secret santa thing. as long as no one objects, we're having one. i'm gonna bring multiple random things. of course im gonna get kt something. and i cant forget ma gfs. but i'll have 2 keep it low profile on account of how ms a says the total cannot surpass $10. o well... np. its all 4 good fun anyways. but still, what should i get them?? dilema... *insert msn thinking emotion here*
well, by the end of the day, i got a 15 on my violin test!!! so happy, so thrilled. of course, kt got a 15 too. no surprises there. perfection. lolz
wait, wait... i almost forgot. when i came back from the freezing cold, kt was online and he started a convo with me!!!! WHEEEE! at that point, i was practically floating!!! i cant believe he started a convo with me!! well, he said "hippie". (so so kt-ish lolz) well, knowing me, i had nothing 2 reply to that, so um... i just went "..." and started saying how random he was and its really hard 2 start a convo with him. ugh. such an idiot. that of course resulted in no more conversing between us. SHEESH im soooo mad at my self. how can i be such a complete dumbass??? im right, i'm great with relationships cept my own. *sigh* ugh, i'm such a moron!!!! I HATE MYSELF!! *sob* kt signed off without saying bye... *sob*
98 / 80 = 1.225
Throwing you kisses @ 5:09 PM
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Thursday, November 25, 2004
la la la, me in such good mood 2day!!!!! shall recount day in chrono...chro....chronologi.... UGH... in the order that events took place...
well, i noe this is all nitty bitty umimportant stuff, but hey, i mean, its important in today. besides, it's these random stuff that compiles life... woah, thats deep... lolz
so ya anyways, i was soooooo psyched in the morning cause kt sat at my group 4 2 whole periods!!!! AHH *runs in berserk circles doing victory dance ah-woooooooo*. i noe its no big deal, but to me, his littlest remarks can make or break my day. i can break down over one snide comment yet go crazy about the one look he throws at me. thats how crazy i am. i love him sooooo much. yes u heard me, not like, not crush, not adore, not luv, but LOVE! yes, im crazy... but u knew that....
moving on......... there was concert choir, where u noe, the sopranoes were sitting opposite the baritones and yada. they didn't do anything out of the ordinary 2day but its still nice, to know that kt is sitting opposite me feels me with love. he's my 4ever crush. wait... wait... going off topic... *frantic swerve back onto right track* kkz, so now that im back, on the right track, i mean, i will tell u bout the freakish thing the baritones aka the guys did.
ok, so we were singing, rite? rite. nothing special bout that, but during apple wassail, there was this part where you're supposed to yell "HEAR IT!" and during this part, all the guys went "DORCY!" which was weird cause i could swear i could eyes looking my way when the guys yelled taht! i didn't allow my gaze to linger though, cause i thought then that i was hallucinating or whatever, but its so much of a coincidence that i heard my name screamed and half the baritone staring my way. so jsut 2 make sure i wasn't too caught up in my own little world, i asked bree, she didn't hear it, so i convinced myself that i was have a delusion or something.
but then, there was a second time, and bree heard it! so i wasn't dreaming! and it makes sense 2, the whole concert, i could c mitri and wes whispering and staring at me weirdly. u noe wat, im interrogating accomplice no 1 aka mitri, but no answers yet. blog if answer recieved. anyways, kt refused 2 sit up, u now its bad posture and bad 4 ur backbones and further more, i cant c him!!! wtever.
moving on...
wait... NEWSFLASH!!! turns out its a chris thing, something bout hayha being on crack or something, not quite sure, but whatever.
back 2 my day. so ya after school, i asked bree bout if liam talked 2 her yet. i got a NO! liam, that dumbass, he's supposed 2 make the move, that moron. so ya, i spent time comforting bree and went 2 confront that poohead of a liam. turns out that he thnks she was mad and is "scared" or something bout it. so then i was like, u make the move, u poo. then he was like, stop taling bout it or i'll tell ppl bout ur secret aka me liking kt. so i was like, ok. but u noe liam just had 2 tell may bout it. i dont really mind, but u noe, liam is not taking the whole secret thing seriously enough. i mean, its supposed 2 b private. u noe what, i swear, i'm gonna b so right that the secret is not gonna last until xmas. well, thx 2 mel, im now invited 2 dvd's xmas party where kt will be invited 2. lolz. *big hugz, mel*
u noe what, i have the distinct feeling that the guys know bout the whole kt thing. i mean, if he treat it so lightly in front of mitri + may, whats to stop him from telling everyone else? and its not like chris and ppl didn't hear his "whisper". if those ppl know, then like mel said, the whole school will know. *sigh* i would so much rather tell kt myself.
well, dismissing that depressing thought, i'll move on 2 tell u that thx 2 me being a hopeless busybody, bree and lia r now back 2gether...! bad news 4 mel, but doesnt really matter 2 me. lolz ^^ 4 further details click
here and
here.
so ya, i went 2 mel's house, the guys ditched us, sigh but we finished the dance anywyas. completely kick-ass or bootylicious or whatever u'd like 2 call it. girls rule!!! am 2 lazy 2 blog, 4 complete details on "major" events, plz visit
here.:He'smy4evercrusH:.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:17 PM
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004
sheesh, i realized that my mouse-over calender is looking very messed up, so i deleted it. i'll work on it during xmas break. i need a new backgroud from the new layout too. *grin* o and, i started the whole blogging thing in ma class!!! me good friends mel and bree r doing it too!!! i tell u, blogging is awesome, especially if u cant talk wiht ur parents or have phone-time constraint.
^^
anyways, we went 2 ESA 2day. AHHH, i was so stupid, i lost the strings group so i ended up going 2 drama, which is alright what with ultra cute drama guys there and amazing mimes. they were wonderful. but u noe wes and ketchup goy (*gags* no offence may if ur reading this), they were like, "what are u doing in drama?" in a tone that could not have been more disgusted. ok, so im not the best actress in the world, but u noe, y do guys have 2 b so idiotic. i
really hate them.
but its ok, i got together with mel, bree, joy, lex, tija and ppl during the performance. it was such a cool performance. when i saw those girls dance, u have no clue how bad i felt, i was all that-could-be-me and so i was all upset that i dropped dance. until i came 2 canada, dance is like the hugest part of my life besides school. *sigh* whatever, no point in crying over spoiled milk. but that is an awsm school, the concert mistress is one in a million, absolutely fabulous, she prob can go up to 7th position or smthing on her violin... *shake fist at her* lolz
o then there were other really fantastic performances but there was a hip-hop dance part with 2 extremely hot guys... AHHHH, they're sooo hot. but u noe watever, i dont h8 their bf, cause im so devoted to kt rite now... *grin* he's not at school or at ESA 2day, so boring without him. *sigh*
o wow, bree had major break down over liam 2day. i sooooo understand her feelings, not like i haven't cried myself 2 bed couple times over kt over the tiniest remarks he makes at me. so ya, i tried 2 be the middle person between her and liam. well, liam was flirting with everyone, so bree got upset, cant blame her but liam's a weird one, he talks as if he's flirting. if u dont know any better, u'd swear he's flirting with the teachers. lolz. thk god liam isn't as clueless as he looks, said some really sweet stuff matched with a "im sorry" dp, bree was almost all happy again. yay, mission accomplished!
^^
Throwing you kisses @ 5:26 PM
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Do you know something about me? I cant flirt. ya you heard me, a girl who CANNOT flirt. or maybe its just with kt.
flirting is
not my thing. i hardly ever do the flirt thing, i'm so down to earth and everything. yet, how can i let kt know subtly without flirting?? anyways, bree + mel was attempting 2 teach me how 2 flirt in class, lolz hilarious.
but the dance thing really got on mel's nerves 2day. i mean, bree's dance is sooo cool. ours is sooo bad in comparison. its hard 2 do anything that can surpass them. it's not like its my life goal to surpass bree's group, but u noe, we need something that can b held up and not be completely smouldered by their dance's brilliance. their dance is sooooooooooo kick-ass. wait, i've said that. and kt and wes was like "mocking" our dance. i dunno if it was meant that way, u noe, im always pretty slow with sarcasms. oh and according 2 mel, kt was looking at me, *squeak* during our practice dance but i think cause our dance is so weird and everything.
but the thing is, mel got a blog and she writes in it like i do, and here's part of it,
"then there's me and dorcy...... two girls that are so not popular.... and then there's bridget and kristen...... popular extrordinaire!!!!!!" ok, when i read that, i had 2 look at that part like twice, thrice or even 4 times before i could actually digest it. i noe i'm not exactly sharon/ rachel type popular but i have my own friends. i dont even wanna be popular if it actually takes work. i mean, things should fall into place naturally. i dont wanna try 2 hard or anything.
ok, i do try to befriend sharon/ rachel/ madi but its kinda hard considering that i'm not in the same class as them but i really cant take it when u noe, the thought of being "un"popular keeps haunting me. bree and kristen are popular, ya, ok, fine with that. i just wanna have like lots of friends who like me for who i am. there was a phase when i try soo hard to be popular, thats when i first stepped into JGA and came into the class where everyone in the kelly groupie were. but i've realized there really is no such thing as popularity. or maybe there is, but i just dont wanna be part of it if its not a me thing.
i admit i'm still trying to find my spot among my friends, but what else do you expect when you've only know certain people who already have their own little circles of friends for only 3 months? there were times i wish when everyone would stick by me no matter what even during projects, but i've come to realize tht, u cant really make sense out of all of this. it doesnt contain any logic. to me, the one thing that makes popularity appeal to me, is friends,
real ones
Throwing you kisses @ 10:56 PM
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ya anyways, i'm going backwards cause i needa write down what i thought about yesterday and stuff.
so i was walking home wiht joy and i went i know when's kt's bday, which is feb 17. so ya, which is 3 days after valentines day. on that day, i had promised myself to tell kt about the truth. but when u think about it, there're actually quite a bit of problems.
what do i want to tell him? what do i want to achieve by that? What reactions would i get? would i be able to take it? well, i know that i want him to know that i like him, cause there really isn't much point in me keeping it a secret forever and ever. i just want to spill out my guts out to him. but what do i get from all that? a bf? a foe? i dont know.
can u picture kt with anyone? i find it hard, thought not impossible. to him, girls are the results of a horrific scientific experiment gone horribly wrong. we weren't meant to be here. how could he ever be the bf type? he's such a guy guy. and even so, i have to ask myself, do
I want a relationship? even with kt? i know i enjoy fantasizing about having sweet nothings being whispered in my ears and having a warm hug on a cold winter's day and someone who's always there when ur gfs r inapproachable, someone who will love and cuddle you till the end of time, someone who will appreciate you like you are the greatest person in the whole wide world, universe even. but am i ready though? i seriously have no clue.
well, those rn't really problems compared to the possible outcomes of my confessions. i'm scared. i really am. i'm scared of rejection. *sob* why on earth would he say yes? what are the odds of that?!?! *sigh* i'm scared, he'll reject me in the face, saying something like, "that's nice, can i go now?" in a real kaitai-ish voice. i shall spend my days from last week making the perfect present for him only to be slapped in the face by his words. i'm scared, i really am. *sob* the sadder thing is that that scenario is so realistic, it's such a kt thing to do. i cannot picture him saying yes, in fact, i dont know how can guys react to that. i want to know straight off the bat if its a yes or no, yet i do not want to face the awkwardness of standing there, all alone in the cold, on Feb 14, the wind attacking my face, breaking down. i fear the day.
yet, i would do anything for his affection in return *sob*
Throwing you kisses @ 10:16 PM
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Sunday, November 21, 2004
mel said i should show kaitai this blog, i know i've said i will show him but i really have 2 question myself. this blog is far too obsessive.
honestly, i personally think that it'll scare him away. i mean i love him and all, obsessed over him and all so the last thing i want to do is scare him away. which is probably exactly what i'm doing right now by writing these stuff. It's strange, i noe. most of the time these days, im debating with myself whether such doings r rational. i know i love him a lot, but i really dont want to become one of them crazy girls who tie their bfs down with chains. and i noe im not one of them. which is strange considering how obsessive i am of him. i guess you can be obsessive yet still not be the ones who enprison the ones they love. i mean, it's all about having the right liberties, rite? whatever... there's no logic in things like these, my algebra poop r pretty useless here. :S
Throwing you kisses @ 10:15 PM
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well, got off the phone with mel a few hours ago, we talked about a lot. mainly about guys lolz.
anyways, u noe how i keep telling myself that im gonna tell kt on valentines the l8est? i dont think it's gonna last till then what with liam's continuous multiple little hints that i like kt. but thats not the point. cause kt's gonna find out sooner or l8r just matter of time. but the thing is... how in the world am i going 2 tell him??? i'm not mel, i cant just go up to kt and say i like u or something. i dont have the guts, or do i??? i've 85 more days 2 find that out.
i noe that i dont want anyone else to do the delivering of the message for me cause u noe, just in case the negative happens, i'll be the first person 2 know it. but if i were 2 tell kt, it would have 2 b alone, which would b sorta hard since he's NEVER alone. the only time that i can come up with that he is alone is the time when he's going home and the time when he's coming 2 school. o god, im getting nervous just thinking about it, watch me screw up when the time comes....
im scared of rejection, which isn't that hard to happen considering kt being such a guy guy. do u c him hangin out wiht girls??? NOOO. all he hangs out with is guys. he doesn't take girls seriously. to him, girls are probably just because of some horrible scientific experiment gone wrong. we aren't supposed to exist for all he cares. how could he ever notice a girl in that special way, let alone me. i noe im putting myself down again. go ahead and hit me again, mel. i so deserve it. but its true. u even said so urself, she has 2 be like some supermodel 4 him 2 notice her. and even if we do go 2 wonderland and to splashworks no less, where it's hottie galour, its not just kt the second, the third. I dont need 2 find kt #2/3, i want kt the original!!! MY KAITAI!! kt's not just hot, not just the body, he's beyond the looks, he's everything else. EVERYTHING else.
Can you picture him ever being with a girl, i find it hard, and im supposed 2 be trying sooo bad. he doesn't flirt, which isn't a bad thing, that makes him more reliable, last thing i want is a guy who's a major flirt, like liam. no offence bree, but liam, i swear, he's the hugest flirt. me sure u noticed that now. but thats not 2 bad, as long as he's down 4 u. but im getting beside myself again. the thing is, trying to depict kt with a girl (hopefully me) or flirting is just hard. like i said, not flirty is awsm but it makes things all the more difficult 4 me. You just know he's gonna say no. (plz, Plz, PLZ dont let that b true. PLEASE!!)
~cross ma fingers~
Throwing you kisses @ 8:41 PM
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sigh* so i'm obsessed, big deal. i think i've known that long time ago, besides, being obsessed emotionally/ mentally and actually being obsessed physically are 2 diff things. i think i'm rational enough 2 control myself, eh? as obsessed as i am, rite now, i noe my limits, my dos and donts. so plz.... ppl, chill! lolz
98 / 85 = 1.15
Throwing you kisses @ 1:08 PM
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Eeek, omigosh, i cant believe it, i had another dream! not that big a deal but it isn't often i have a dream so i'm rushing to write it down b4 i forget. yada yada. i should get one of those dream interpretters if this continues lolz....someday. mwahahahahahahaha!!! lolz, me so hyper rite now, i make no sense.
anyways, so here's another one of my make-no-sense dreams. so i was walking home, the place looks a lot like the streets of china 4 some reason. anyways, so i was turning the corner with ma friends and kt pops out of nowhere and goes, do you want to go to the library? i guess i was prob thinking bout the UA project and me needing 2 pick up a book from the library then. so anyways, i turned 2 look at mel and bree who were in the dream. and as usual, they gave me a teasing smile and pushed me forward.
so i went with kt 2 the library only all of a sudden, the library became a book store, and i was holding up this chinese book about SARS, something about needing it for a science project. um... then really strangely, the convo turned into a chinese convo with us talking in mandarin... weird... so we were talking in mandarin and kt was talking bout whenever he sees a book in chinese, he just dumps it. so, i um, didn't comment or anything, nor did i put the book back, even though kt appears 2 dislike chinese books in the dream.
l8r, he went, "Do you want to go somewhere else?" i of course, said ok, since that tiny book store is no fun. so then he took my hand and dragged me outta the store, and i woke up. not very exciting but i still like it somehow. hehe.
.-..-.
"-.-"
Throwing you kisses @ 8:37 AM
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Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
