Where I Kiss My Childhood Goodbye

Friday, December 31, 2004

New Year Resolutions
~make up my mind about kt
~if i give up, get over him
~if i dont, make a move
~stop worrying that much
~get better grades
~help out more around the house
~be less materialistic
~spend more quality time with sis
~learn to and practise shutting out things parents say about me
~spend less time on the web
~read more
~gain 3/4 inches (no idea how i can help to do that)
~stop procrastinating
~achieve and maintain healthy relationship with parents
~get a more consistent lifestyle
~just be a better person. ^^ *bitter smile*

Throwing you kisses @ 10:24 PM

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i've realized that my obsession with kaitai has prevented me from writing about so many other things that intrigue me and because i only have that much time on my hands everyday to spare on this blog. but o well. wats here is here.

i dont know how many of you know bout my old friend, the one who had a major crush on a guy since grade 3 but didn't have the courage to tell him but ended up migrating to canada instead. so her feelings for him were forever buried. but she still likes him through all these years. 5 whole years. and just this summer, she learns that her best friend might like him and he might like her back. what is she to do now? its been a long time since i've thought of this since she obviously turned her attention onto some other guy. but now something stirring in my head arouses this again. we all know that our girlfriends come before guys any day. but what are you to do in a situation like this. she gave her best friend her best wishes. would i do the same had i been put into her shoes? i would like to do that, but now i know. how painful it must have been for her to make that decision. she realizes she comes nowhere close to having his heart since they're oceans apart and its one of her best friend she's talking bout. she said if she's going back to china again, she will tell the guy of her feelings. but how can she do that without wavering his affections for her best friend? it's a give or take situation. everything in our instincts tell us we should forfeit the guy for our friends and that is what she chose to do. but i cant help but think back to all the songs that stars girls who forfeits her friends for her guy. do guys really have that much control over us?? men used to be have the dominant hand in relationships, companies, and even countries. but times have changed and we are our own men or in this case, women. we control our lives but who truly controls our heart when we're in love? think back to the movies, the novels, the soap operas where so many have made "love" their tool to achieve a certain motive. under such circumstances, will logic still be able to stand up to passion? will the brain to put its foot down and supprese the romantic thoughts of the heart? i have failed pretty miserably in my previous attempts and so have many other before me. but when the subject weighs down to so grave a one as such, who will we chose to control our actions and words? i would like to believe i'd entitle this power to my brain and logic, but when the time truly comes, would i be able to follow up on my words? i would, i should and i could. i will not ditch my girlfriends for any guy.

then again, seeing the situation from another point of view, would all this have happened had my friend told her bff about her feelings for the guy? would that have changed anything? i know it would be best to lay off whatever feelings you may have for your bff's guy, so in a certain degree, it would help to restrain those thoughts. but once again, what does logic have over passion? would the heart not overthrow the brain once again? it seems despicable as it is to steal your bff's dream guy from her and many classify girls like those as sluts, bitches or whores. horrible, horrible, horrible names. but what if its only the heart at its doing. no one can truly control what the heart does. you have to be super strong mentally to suppress such feelings wouldn't they? aigh. 2 much to think about... gonna sleep on it...

Throwing you kisses @ 9:41 PM

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another sleepless nite no thx to him. laid on my bed awake till 7 that morning.

i was at dimitri's house, so was kaitai. no one knew how deeply stirred i was to see him before me again. love, hate, happiness, depression. i wanted to throw myself into his arms and entrust everything to him yet i want to pound him, for all that he put me through. but i know my fists wont do any damage against him, they'll fall like raindrops against his chest just like my tears onto the ground. pitter patter. my world is raining constantly. it's raining and it's grey, i've been seeing grey for the past three monthes. whoever said love was bliss is blind. all throughout my stormy days, i c no colour in my world except for flashes of brilliance when he smiles at me. then all the grey backs away, and color rushes to replace what grey had claimed, but only for a split second. i've lived for those seconds but time and time again, im let down. for i NEVER see those colors, ever! i dont recall when was the last time i saw my world in full colour.

When we were locked into the bathroom... omfg. my computer hang on me when i had written one of my longest entries ever. thats not FAIR!!!! NOT FAIR!!! not only had i lost what i wanted to say then and there, i lost my longest and one of my most emotional entries EVER!!! I DONT LIKE THIS AT ALL. first kaitai, and now i cant even write down what i feel without my computer crashing. how the hell is that fair to me?!?!? everything i had down... its GONE, ITS FRIGGIN GONE!!

... so anyways, we were in the bathroom and mel and bree were talking bout how if they could go back in time, they would undo everything that they messed up in. i let my hair cover the half of my face to prevent ppl from catching my eyes, ones that were brimming with tears. i have nothing to mess up with in the first place. NOTHING. i expected all of this. i knwo there would be nothing for me to gain in the first place out of this whole thing. but i dont know... if i knew then why am i still crying? am i still hopelessly hoping that something will come out of all this?? i tried to stop my tears in that bathroom and almost succeeded until kaitai came busting in through the locked door. (ps. its so tedious to write the same thing over and over again but I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!!! there's no other way i can convey myself. i rely on my blog sooo much now. its so hard to talk with ppl in person when you crying throughout it all so i need this blog. i need it bad.) all the time when we were phoning dimitri's family, i sat on the floor, grieving at my own ill fortune. im all to blame. its my fault completely. i shouldn't have fallen for someone like kaitai. i shouldn't have chosen him. i shouldn't have let myself fall so deep within love's grasp. i should have listened to dimitri when he said either tell him or ignore him but never in between. i failed. i went in between and now im a mess, a complete disaster so when he came busting in that door, i was scared out of my wits. there i was sobbing over him never going to know and all of a sudden he's there, rite in front of me. my emotions messed themselves up for the millionth time in a mere 2 weeks. to me, i wasn't just shocked at his sudden appearance. him opening that door meant so much more. that door, its like the door to my heart and he opened it, but he broke the key to my heart when he did so. BROKEN. he opened my door but shut me out of his. but i'll always love him cause there's no one else that can enter my heart without the key that he broke. he left me hanging there. not knowing what to do. caught between a rock and a hard place. i know i cant go on not loving him, or loving him... he will never come around and realize that i like him. he's too thick and im too much of a coward. so many times i could go up to him and say what i meant, but all those times i backed down to the challenge and my heart overpowered my mind. i "hid" my love all "too well". to him, im just another brat. around him, i tried to hide by converting everything i felt for him into hate. and i suceeded. i hated him. HATED him. but when he thrusted that door open and i saw him standing in the doorway, i... i... i... o god, wth am i saying?? i thought him as one of those hercules person and im that d.i.d. wishful thinking. i know it impossible for it to ever be true. he might have "saved" us but he'll never save me. im too insignificant for his noting and im dying inside... no one can save me except him. but he's the one that broke me in the first place! i'll never be truly happie. and no matter how hard i try... i cant shake myself of the feeling i have for him. he haunts me. its hopeless how i told myself that i would let time ease my pain, yet i fail again and again, creating new wounds as the time progresses. time is no match for the fast inclining rate of the hurt i feel. and its no use talking to ppl about these stuff. i cant talk when im all in tears, and i hate to be a downer. i dont want to overwhelm ppl with my own lil problems. i know as much as it may pain me, they carry little meaning to those uninvolved, esp kaitai. so i'll keep everything i feel a secret and probably carry them to my grave if i must. i want him to be happy. and david said that kaitai doesnt want to change for a girlfriend rite now, he likes the way he is rite now. so i'll not burst his lil bubble, i'll let him stay that way for as long as he like... i'll not hinder his happiness even if it means more days, weeks, months, years of bloodshot eyes. sounds so noble... too noble... fake ish even. i admit, there are times when i wish i could come clean about it all and clear my mind once and for all all that i tried to deny. but i noe its selfish... so ya.

i miss the summer. the summer where i told myself i didn't want a guy. the summer where i tole myself i'd never fall at the mercy of a guy, the same summre where i ridiculed all that i saw on tv. whatever happened to those promises. all empty ones, all broken. i did want a certain guy, i did fall at the mercy of one, and i ended up doing all that happened on television. cliched... all to cliched. but im a very typical girl with a very typical fairy tale ending dream. and i cant change or control my heart. my mind knows all that is happenning is wrong and horribly stupid but so many times my heart got the upper hand. i wanted kaitai to like me, i really did. so y do i spend my time avoiding him? lex brought up a good question. if i did that at dimitri's house, whats to prevent me doing it at school. theres only 6 more monthes of school left. only... but still alot of time to be avoiding someone. this isn't the way to go on... i know it isn't. but what can i do to stop it all. shar said that, "When you're in love, as much of a pain as it can be, you have something to look forward to seeing everyday. Even if you're mad, you're occupied with your love and when you see the person's face, all your troubles melt away. It cushions the painful blows of everyday life. It makes everything so much easier to deal with." ... love is supposed to be some sort of miracle cream that heals all your wounds. but what if love created those wounds. how would it be able to erase all those scars that it made itself. theres just too much that time and love cannot erase. but then again, love isn't love when it cannot be shared by both. so do i actually have love rite now? i dont know... i've come to realize thats the most frequently mentioned phrase in my blog. ha. what a surprise that is. sigh. i 'll jsut let time caress my wounds, its ok if the scars are still there by the end, cause then i'll have something to hang on to, a souveniour to all these. pleasant or unpleasant, they're all part of me, and everything that once made me whole, that once made me me. i'll still pray for my fairy tale ending with my prince charming and my 薰一草恋情.

Throwing you kisses @ 11:25 AM

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Thursday, December 30, 2004

so much has happened... so much i've thought about... so much to write down... so much to say... so much to record... yet so much i couldn't do because of kaitai. he's constantly on my mind its hardly funny anymore.

i love him. i love him i really do. but do i need to love him?? do i want to love him? do i enjoy being in love with him?? no, i dont need to love him, no i dont want to love him, and i certainly dont enjoy loving him. so much has happened this nite... happy, sad, exciting, boring, weird, normal... i dont know, im just running outta words... i DONT know anymore... i DONT know anything anymore. look kaitai, this is what i am now... nothing, nothing!! u happy now?? is this what u want?? well, u got it!! im crying!! crying so bad... but u wouldn't know, u don't know how you have been torturing my poor heart for 3 whole months none stop. u don't know how many tears i've shed for you. you don't know u just being there send shivers down my spine. you dont know ANYTHING you've put me through. and i hate you for it, i hate you, i loathe you, i detest you, i absolutely despise you. you lil worm crawling through my heart... making its way to the core, then slowly working your way out again, eating out my bleeding heart bit by bit until it breaks down and fall into pieces. i'm broken, shattered... but you wouldn't know that. you wouldn't and you never will. you never cared enough anyways. why would you care about me?!?! hmpf. i cant find one lil reason for you to care except for that I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU. holy.

but thats ok. you dont know so i cant blame you at all. it's all me, isn't it? straight from the beginning, i never should have liked you. it was ALL me. watching you out of the corner of my eye and clutching my heart, snickering at your idiotic feats and words then cussing at myself for ever laughing at you, watching you do "your thing" with other girls and become all soppy eyed then blaming my self for being oversensitive, wishing to be near you when you arent here yet avoiding you when you are then knocking myself on the head for my stubborness. then again. u wouldn't noe. so whats the point??? i ask myself time over time again, whats the point?? at first, i thought it was just you, liking you and wanting ur affections in return... then i asked if i wanted a relationship, then things went foggy. great going there. and then i decided im not going to care until valentines or ur bday and i was all happy for those short lived days. and then came the fatal blow that broke me 2 weeks from today. such pleasant memories those were. i bet u didnt know bout my tearful and sleepless nties eh? ha i bet u didn't. i didn't let u noe, i remember.

then today. i saw for the first time in 13 days. all the emotions just chugged 2gether. but in the end i ended up doing what i do best around him, being stupid and virtuelly invisible. im so wondeeful at that. i cant believe i did that though. well then again i could. i feel so useless. it really bugs me how he could be so amazingly stupid yet i would still love him. i want to stop this madness. i noe nothing but tears are going to come out of this hopeless situation. its like im on a fast flowing stream leading to a waterfall. i want to get out, but once im in, im in. and the only way out is to plumage into my pool of tears and drown. great job there dorcy. weren't you the one that declared your freedom during this summer and claimed u never want to feel the tangles of "love"?? so much for my lil promise. then here comes this whirlpool or blackwhole sucking me into its vortex. and I WANT TO GET OUT!!! i really dont know anymore. i guess ugh... wat the hell am i talking about?? o yes i know wat im saying.

well, c. im a selfish lil bum and i take everything about kaitai to heart EVERY SINGLE THING. ok... i g2g2 bed now... so much to say... so much to think... i'll just fall asleep hugging my kt jr bear and wetting my pillow with my tears...

Throwing you kisses @ 11:34 PM

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

as promised, here's the entry i did at mel's house:

lolz. tons of fun 2day.

went shopping. *kaboomed* $140 again!!! i dont know why i even bother spending that much. its so amazing, i mean, its not like im a huge mulla spender like some girls, all i got was all the neccessary stuff. well, i cant exactly tell u guys exactly what i got... cause well, the guys are reading it, and it's pretty much a girl thing. *wink* now you're interested, aren't you?? lolz aww fine. it's lingerie. i'm sure you really wanted to know that, didn't you. well, i didnt spend EVERYTHING on lingerie, that would be pretty stupid wouldn't it. well, not really, i guess it all depends. got pink boots... so not the usual me, but hey whatever. me dad isn't going to be too happy with me buying all that "neccessary" stuff. meh. he wouldn't know about that would he?? o well, i noe someone won't be shopping for a ~~long~~ time.

lolz. after that, we stayed home... well, i really cant remember what we did... wait... we sprayed our boots (mel got boots too) and played ping pong. it was pretty ok... until the guys came along. and by guys, i mean lil 10-year-old fifsers. wow... you can sooo count them as guys. o speaking of which. i have to post this coolest avatar up. as soon as i get the link for it. 4 all u guys out there. i think it's such a riot, not that i meant any offence... *innocent shrug* i just find it amusing is all. and hey, by all means, find a avatar that states that real women are to be measured by something else. if u cant... i suggest u start learning how to make avatars now. lolz. once again, i REALLY meant no offence.

of course, all that hard hard work means i've exhausted all my precious energy and my body needs to refuel itself on its daily essentials... in short... FOOD!! so we went to eat lobster and clams.... being complete pigs, no surprises there. the weird thing is... my new boots match mel's jacket and her new boots matches mine...... weird, huh? o well. just another useless piece of info from the scrapbook of pointless datums... wait, i meant data.

*yawn* im writing this 3.47 in da morning... lolz. javar(however u spell that guy's name) was being tres tres dirty, as usual. him not being dirty would be... well, me not liking kaitai. ha. guess i cant stay off that topic for long can i?? so now i'll go on about my daily long winded drone about how wonderful i think kaitai is and how i absolutely worship him *roll eyes* and i hate everything bout him.

still interested?? i doubt it. so instead, im going to learn a thing or two from lemony snicket and bore you all with the interesting cycle of H2o which we all simply know as water or something monoxide as dimitri calls it. well, we all know that water is the main component of the acid rain and athletics use it to enhance their performance so should we vote it off our planet?!?! i vote we do. i mean hey, 86% of the ppl dimitri surveyed agreed with me. so now with my ever so intriguing report on the water cycle: the water cycles begins as water flowing in the lil streams and river and the sun comes out and dried up all the rain, so eensy weensy spider went up the spout again... note to self: copy and paste information on the water cycle here from the internet without giving proper reference so i can be arrested as an underaged minor for infringing copyrights and plagarism.

i doubt at this point, anyone is still reading my blog... so i'll go out a limb at this point and blog about what i told javar in our 4-ppl game of "truth or truth". *yawn* thats what you get from watching king arthur and you got served. i must say though, you got served has a really really really ~~really~~ REALLY awful plot. it's so extremely cliched, just like that word im usin to describe it, very very cliched. ha, there we go again, its all very cliched... how very cliched once more. annoying aren't i, or isn't it? i think you get my point but my personnal demonstration of the word and its meaning of "cliched" or rather, now that i come to think of it, the word "repeatitive". but it does no harm to mix up your vocabulary does it?? i doubt it, unless you live in an ultra acedemic based family like i do, then it makes all da difference in da world.

but moving on... the dance in the movie was AMAZING though, i wish i could dance like that. im sooo amazed at ppl's extraciricular stuff that im down right impressed with anyone's amzing skills at practically anything. lolz. i sound so hopeless. well, i am after learning EVERYONE can either ski or snowboard EXTREMELY well. jeez, i feel so bad now... so i'll go sit in this lil corner and obsess over 2nite tomorrow... wait a minute... it IS tomorrow... well, that made hell of a lotta sense... so i'll clear my head by stuffing my face with sun chips and ketchup lays now. lolz and b4 melissa's rents pops down for a surprise inspection and i get caught red handed... even though i did not do manicures... wonder how the phrase got about in da first place... prob some kid who was playing with red paint and got recognized cause of it... wow, i just totally killed tat joke didn't i?? hmm... o well... i made the jk so i have every rite in da world to kill it...i think. lolz now you really noe i need to get another one of those facials again lolz... i swear, my face was cracking under the dry mask... bt it was soooo fun lolz. im way too lolz-y, even more so then ever... so i'll stop, for real this time...

me: say "ta ta", kt jr bear bear!!

Throwing you kisses @ 2:01 PM

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it really bugs me how when i type something when i post in chinese... it turns out to be gibberish when i view it on my blog. or maybe that's just my computer. for anyone who has chinese reading software installed on their CPU, can u perty plz check for me if the lyrics that follow the "dream" entry is legible???

Throwing you kisses @ 1:17 PM

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"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you into my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

Throwing you kisses @ 1:00 PM

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i cant recall when was the last time i had a dream. but here's an entry bout it all anyways.

guess i had too much to think about last night but truth is... *sigh* well, anyhow, heres the story. i was somewhere in the school, i think. and i was just sitting in a circle talking with ppl. cant remember their faces. then "mel" passed a note to me, saying if i think sielski was "hot". such a total mel thing to do, so i didn't think twice that it was mel and wrote "um... ya" and passed it back. the note came back couple seconds later asking if i think kaitai is hot... and you noe me, being wildly obsessed and all, of course, scribbled "p-cha. course he is" and turned around to pass it back, without looking. a few moments later. the note got back into my hands, this time with words that filled up the entire piece of paper and words that make my heart jump. all over the paper were red marks that said something similar to this.

i think i know what you think i noe but you dont think you want me to noe. do you want to leave it as it is or take it one step farther? talk to me.
I love you,
<3

i turned round, feeling quizical bout the note, expecting to catch mel's eye, but only to find kaitai. that was when my heart stopped, even in my dream. everything seemed so real, its scary. i caught his eye and he mouthed the 8 letters to me, again, my heart stopped again for the second time in 1 minute. i silently mouthed them back to him. with tears in my eyes. for the rest of the day in my dream, i sat around avoiding him, allowing my tears to flood my eyes and stream down my cheeks. i guess even though it's a dream, i realize how impossible it is for it to ever be fulfilled. i scrunched up that piece of paper containing the few words taht makes my heart leap and hugged it close to my chest, hating it and loving it as much as i hate and love the one that penned the note. yet, i couldn't resist un-scrunching that note and reading it time over time again, seeking comfort.

回忆被你占满但你不在场
为何要到悲伤才想你的肩膀但你却不在场
为何我的坚强会瞬间瘫痪爱为何不在场
为何要到无望才拒绝遗忘但是你却不在场
为何我的遗憾总是割不断爱为何不在场
为何说话那么满
让爱情百孔千疮进退两难
为何我会失去方向
莫非… 只因为你不在场

Throwing you kisses @ 10:47 AM

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Monday, December 27, 2004

ladeedoo... had food, feel so much better. food always manages to cheer me up. as shar would say Food is Good. lolz.

just read my last post b4 dinner... horribly emotional and all that waterworks, not that it matters since im exactly that emotional and all that waterworks. it's really amazing how i could be all glory and sunshine then all of a sudden im all soppy eyes and mopping over how unfortunate i am. but its true. stupid kaitai always manages to shatter my dreams and all and leave me with that dazed look in my eyes.

i admit, i am over the top when it comes to stuff like this but i cant help it. that's why i keep a blog. i refuse to talk bout this with friends in person. i know how emotional the rest of them can get and i would hate to let my sadness bring down their spirits and to the not so emotional ones, i noe everyone's busy with their own lives and it would be completely selfish to start troubling them with my trivia problems. besides the only thing that would save me is myself. i need to do some serious soul-searching.

kaitai, being himself, is very sarcastic and how can i expect suddenly to become sweet and gentle?? its not him, and i dont expect him to change. sarcasm is only one of the services that he offer and i have to live with that but i dont know, ever since i've met him, my eyes have never been dry for 2 days. i cant be happy knowing he thinks me stupid, i cant be contented knowing i make a total fool out of myself everytime i talk with him, i cant be satisfied knowing that i say the opposite of what i mean everytime i talk with him and i simply wont stop crying when i know that all my pathetic attempts are in vain. i noe i have to stop my tears, i know there is no point in permitting my tears to run loose. the last thing i want to do is cry. everyone knows me as the happy-go-lucky, always-smiling girl who doesn't have a worry on her mind and truth be told, i want to be that girl and i am that girl. but when u leave me alone... i cant help but turn to my emotional side and let go of all emotions.

i know nothing will ever come out of this crush and i know i ought to stop it but that lil voice inside me keep screaming that some miracle will appear. and now im torn apart between feeling nothing for him and feeling everything for him. i still love him but i shouldn't and im not doing a good job of trying to stop what i feel. i want to stop this madness but im scared that if ever was he to have a change of heart, i should not be there... jeez, great soul-searching im doing. thats it. i give up. im not going to try. its just going to either stay there or go away. i dont care anyways. pfsh, who am i kidding, i care alot. this is pointless rambling so i will stop. bleh.

Throwing you kisses @ 9:42 PM

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i've had nearly two decent days at mel's house being all carefree. and on the evening when i get back, i plunge back into my sad and depressing hopeless black hole filled with all my deepest sadness and misery. my sos signals ignored, im left to splutter and gasp as i fight back my tears but to no avail as drown in my sea of agonizing tears.

i used to think i use chatting as my escape from reality... but the truth is... msn brings me much more hurt that reality ever did. i love all my friends on msn msg, but one especially, and that one always manage to inject pain into my system, bit by bit, lil by lil until my body can take it no more and starts to break down... bit by bit, lil by lil. just as slowly as you roll off those words of your tongue, driving daggers into my heart. every lil thing u said about me, to me, it etches in my already bleeding heart, making a scar as alphabet by alphabet, they ingrave their initials and leave a scar where on they've been. all the tears i've let streaming down my pale cheeks is nothing compared to the blood of misery my heart has shed, it's dead, dead beyond rescue. yet, my heart wont stop beating, they hang on to the only thing that kept them alive throughout all this... you. its dead because you killed it, yet its still beating because it wont give up on you. you killed it, yet u made it alive again, making it suffer at your mercy. it cringes in pain when hands fail to type what they meant to say time over time, replacing it with meaningless words to cover up the hurt and love the heart has felt and will feel. it leaps when your purple words come onto the screen, yet drown when those words speak nothing but of sarcasm and jeer. it collapses when hands fail to do what was meant to impress you. it chokes when ears hear bout its host not being able to attend a gathering where you will be at. it keels over when the mind learns that the only thing that keeps the heart beating is going to stab it one day and decided to stop the heart from this irrational act. the heart's foolish enough to believe in fairy tales do come true and that its body was able to prevent itself from being a complete retard in front of of the only one that will stop the water works.

i told you i didn't care what u said, i told you i didn't mind what u did, i told you u didnt matter a thing to me. i told you i thought u a retard, i told you you were too trivia for my attention, i told you everything i had denied about you. i loved you, more than you can imagine. you made me laugh, you made me cry... more than anyone ever did. so what did i do to deserve all this?? because im not perfect enough for you?? because you didn't care what i said, because you didn't mind what i did, because i didn't matter a thing to you. because you thought me a retard, because you told me i was too trivia for your attention, because everything you said about me was true. you don't love me. i fail to make you laugh, except when you're mocking me, and i fail to make you cry, cause i'm simply a nothing. everything i've done wasn't good enough, everything i did wasn't right. nothing i ever did felt like enough. i wasn't anything in your eyes, and i'll never be. you break me and its not falling back into place again. im shattered. the dreams behind these eyes broken into a million pieces, so much tears welling up in these eyes and only you can make them disappear. i told myself a thousand times not to cry but how can i erase my tears when the only one who could make it stop is the one that made it start? time after time, i tried to impress you. but you wont realize that because i fail, each and everytime i try. im drowing in ur voice, mesmerized with your words and engulfed with the face i imagine behind the screen. my brain dead, dead because you aren't logical and every thought is occupied by you and you only, nothing i do made sense, becasue you killed all my common sense, and with that you killed me.

im dead but i shall live up to the bubbly joyous face that occupies my exterior while my insides are turning and churning away into nothingness.

Throwing you kisses @ 7:08 PM

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NEWSFLASH. ok, i noe i ddint' bout the last few days but its cause i left half my entry on mel's computer so i'll have to wait for her to mail everything to me b4 i continue. but here's to say that i might not be able to go to the party on the 30th... me rents somehow suddenly got the notion that i'm attending too many gatherings... sigh

Throwing you kisses @ 5:56 PM

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Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy