Sunday, May 08, 2005
April 17alrity, another phone call from kaitai that made me think.
Im fat. thats what i've realized. sure, i always did knew that, but you know, that coming from him just greatly lowers your self esteem. but its not that im scared of. its the fact that he actually raised scientific facts such as heart attacks and me dying of high cholestrol one day. that really freaked me out. me having lumps of fat clogging up in my arteries and leaving me to rot and die like a fat pig. sure. i'd love to go on a tangent bout the unhealthy eating of everyone that causes everyone to be obese and what not. but i shouldn't be talking. i eat like a pig. i eat too much of everything. junk or healthy. maybe kaitai is right. if i dont start limiting what i eat, its not my image tahts going to be the issue, it's my health. sure, you can burn calories, but can you burn off all the things that un-burnable?? one fine day, imma send my liver into overdrive and get a stroke. i dont wanna tlka bout this no more, cause as im writing this, im eating oreas, the originals ones, and chip bags ready to be ripped open on the table. so i'll stop.
god, yth am i doing this to myself?!?! here i am, complaining that imma gon die if i dont stop, on the other hand, i'd rather stop talking bout this rather than give up junk food. this is crap. what is more important? my life or my mouth? my life no duh. then wth am i doing?!?!
you know what? it all comes down to self control. i was talking to mel just couple hours ago about my laziness. and guess what, me not being able to give up on junk food comes down to no perseverence and no self-restraint. im such a horrible person. i have little close to no positive qualities about me at all. im messy, im weak, im hesistant, im stupid, untalented and fat too. woot! theres me. but you know what? because im too stupid, messy, weak and hesistant, im not able to pick myself up from teh dirt and give up on junk food!
on the other hand, i might as well die early to help contribute to the decrease of world population. i swear, one day, i'll be considered a hero for giving up my sacred life for the greater good...
Throwing you kisses @ 5:49 PM
April 16me and lilz spent the day outside, doing whatever we could get our hands on. lilz even managed to convince a bunch of younger kids to prank shayan's door... -_-' the thing is, shayan opened the door before the girls could even knock on it. lilz got so "weirded out" that she dragged some girl in front her to hide herself. lolz. that was so funnay.
but now skipping the unimportant shayan guyiee, we move to kaitai's phone call.
anyways, he called and the subject of track n field came up. kaitai, for some bizarre reason wants me to make the track team. well, digressing a bit. i remember the badminton tryouts. kaitai was genuinly not happie about me not being able to make the team. i cant say that he was upset, disappointed or anything but he wasn't happie. it sounded like he really wanted to make the team, and honestly, so did i. i honestly thought i had a chance, but i suppose not. there were so many factors that might have contributed to me not making the team that if i started listing them again, it'll be like im looking for excuses to excuse myself from not having enough athletic ability to make the team.
it's the same thing with the vball. there was this one day during a co-ed vball pratice when i was loitering the school, he found me on one of his water/bathroom breaks and said, "WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE THE VBALL TEAM?!?! that could be you in there!" and ran back into the gym to burn more calories. well, either teams, i honestly dont feel comfortable with the tryouts. i should have been on both teams. i should have. of course, this is just me getting cocky. but that's okay. you know what? i would really love to be cocky without having to realize that im actually being cocky. or to just say that im the best without feeling reprecautions. maybe its just me, i can never say im the best, or say im better than someone else unless i noe for a certain fact that they are far below my level... say like brian in math. as much as i think to myself how im the greatest living creature to ever grace the face of this planet, i can never truly admit it, not in real life, and definitely not in my blog. its so sad. i cant even say im better than kaitai in math because he's pretty good himself. ah screw it. i'll just be the nice lil girl that is always second best to everyone else. gahhhhh!! screw my stupid logic and conscience.
so now kaitai's goal for me is for me to miss that day when all the jocks n jockettes are at centennial. he told me to. i wanted to make it. u know i do. i know for a fact that im not great at anything but i know i dont suck either. i wanted to make it. i really did. so i told him, i'll try but if i dont make it, so there. and he proceeded to tell me how i have no backbone and i really need to work myself. i dont remember what he said exactly then. but i knew he was trying to make myself confident of myself by telling me that i can do it, as long as i start training and setting my mind on it. but the more he tried to work/ cheer me up, the more depressed i got.
it wasn't him at all. it was me. he was being so awfully supportitive. he knows that i wanted to make those athletic teams but doesn't have the determination or harshness to do it, so he's doing what he can the best way, him being a guy knows how to. but the point is, im talking to him...
him. it really doesn't help to look at yourself and realize how flabby and unathletic you are and take a good look at the one person u care for and would want to impress the most only to realize how he's super good at almost every single sport there is, because its in his blood. i tried explaining this to kaitai, but i never got the words outta my mouth, i started crying instead and he comforted me. i wish i was good, good enough to make him proud of me, good enough to make myself proud of who i am...
Throwing you kisses @ 5:29 PM
_____________
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
