Where I Kiss My Childhood Goodbye

Friday, December 03, 2004

i love school, i hate my home. i'll backtrack a bit just to record what happened over the last few days.

so ya, i think it was wednesday or thursday. felt extremely happy yet... i dont' know i guess i was being just a "tiny" bit PMS-y. i dont really know, but all of a sudden i would fall onto my desk and bury my head in a fit of depression and/or frustration. i guess it's all kaitai's words at work. i never thought i would care so much about words until i met him... (wow, that was cheesy) i dont know. i take everything to heart so much. whenever i hear him talk to me, i remember his exact words, his expression. his snide remarks made so ever so depressed. yet just standing next to him during the national anthem feels me with joy and bliss. its such a nice feeling that hes just beside me. drinking in his presence, drowing in his essence... its almost frightening how easily satisfied i am yet his words just drive into my heart with the sharpest blade of knife, making it bleed with the slightest things that he says.

im not easily hurt. yet when u care too much, the slightest things can dig your grave. i guess im really digging my own grave rite now. but i cant help it, im in so deep, stuck in a vortex that i cant drag myself out of. im in a black hole, pull so strong that even god cant help me. im crazy, i know. i signed out one day, ask may, that was my PMS-y day. to everyone else, im just veing super emotional, but i know im really hurt. i shouldn't be, its just a guy thing to make "cold" remarks, i knew better but but... i cant explain. this isn't algebra, there is no logic. i didn't just go to the bathrom for the sake of it, i went 2 calm down, to let everything go, i know i just couldn't face kaitai anymore... he's so strange, hard to figure out, the mysteries of life that i sahll never find out or realize. sounds so profound doesnt it... i noe there's going to be break downs somewhere along the way and possibly at the end of it all. but thats why i'm going to make a move, before i begin to suffocate and die... *dramatic move to grasp throat and suffocate, grapsing 4 air.* *somebody HELP me... ugh...help.. help* ok, me gone a little over my head. lolz

Anyways, i cant really finish all i had wanted 2 say 2nite, it says 10.05 but really its 11.25 now, i just left this window open since 10.05 so ya i g2g2 bed or i wont be alive to suffocate after me mom murdered me. lolz

Throwing you kisses @ 10:05 PM

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

its been a long day, lots 2 talk bout... again, i'll have 2 make this quick due to the forever-getting-on-my-nerves picture book. for now. i'll fast forward to the last period of the day.

so ya. i believe i've told u ppl bout the dance but the thing with is, i noe we'll be evaluating each other on how much work we did but still, when your group members dont cooperate, its hard to bring your whole entire performing self and thats exactly the case wiht my group. i seriously cant bring myself to dance with those two slouching at the back... doing NOTHING!!! the last period is only 30min and due to the fact that gym was before, we had 10 minutes off due our incredible slow-paced changing. and we messed around witht the thing to play our music in for anohter 10 minutes. i canperfectly understand mel's frustration that none of the players on the school computer isn't working but i really hate is when the guys crowd around and do absolutely nothing with the computer trying to figure out a way to work it. its not like im gonna teach them the moves with the fast paced rythm of the song.

so ya. when we finally got down to work, they wont stop talking!!! i mean, if u're contributing, fine, but clearly, u're not, so stop wasting our precious time!!! u noe i lost it back there. i just started to scream at them. well, not exactly scream but i did raise my voice and ppl who know me know that i almost never do that. i dont like to yell at ppl and even though i didnt yell 2day, my attitude sorta made me put my foot down on things and the guys finally decided to cooperate for the final last 5 minutes. and u noe what? we didn't even get HALF of the dance done!!! AHHH!!! and its due next monday, and guess what? james prob isn't gonna be free.

so ya, i went home and walked with joy. joy is an awsm friend, not to mention a good listener. but this new girl just have to come along and she started reciting her homework and her schedule. like we're all really keen to learn about her homework schedules, she's not the only one stressed out but does she have to tell us what hmwk she has? is that something that your friends really need to know? and ya, so i was sulking by myself, which isn't very nice btw, i dont like 2 do that but you know when someone wont keep talking bout something extremely trivia, it really does drive you crazy.

and when i said i wanna strangle someone... figuratively of course, she went like whats wrong... and i said nvm. cause i really dont wanna tell the whole story over again. its such a pointless task. and its not like u can do anything about it to help me, i have 2 get over this thing by myself. but nooooooooooooo, that new girl just have to bug me about it claiming that she can help and yada. i mean, c'mon, it's so obvious taht i dont wanna talk bout it, and at that point all u can do is leave that person to chill of or at least wait for them to tell you voluntarily. and i mean, whats it to you to know about my personal life?!! but obviously, no one has given her much of a lesson on how to be a good listener observer, cause she just didn't get the message and went on ranting bout how she could help. so being the nice person that i am, i of course told her the story again.

but thats not the end of it. she had to contribute to the fact taht i should just ignore the guys and do my own dance. i mean, earth-to-notmentioningyourname!!! its only 1 week away, like im really gonna have sooooo much time on my hands that im gonna make up a new one. u have no idea the time and energy i put into this one already. im gonna be dead pissed if teh guys causes me to get a horrible mark. and she kept on associating my problem with her past problems which is all-oh-so-interesting. *roll eyes* like, puh-leeeease. i really want to hear about your tragic little stories when im mad enough to jump off a building. so then i said, u dont get it. and she just has to insist that she does. which of course, is just plain foolish. and you know there's really nothing more annoying than having someone tell you that they know all bout your situation or what you are thinking when they obviously dont. i mean, you're not me. so how in the world r u supposed to know exactly what im going through?!?!?! such a little know-it-all.

well, ya. thats my eventful period 8 and the walk home. i apologize for sounding so cranky but i really cant help it. im not in my best of mood but wheeeeeeeeeeeee *force a smile* im gonna be ok...... or at least, i'd better be.

me start another entry. this one getting too long, no pointing in continueing it.

Throwing you kisses @ 4:22 PM

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Monday, November 29, 2004

ok, i have to make this entry as quick as possible, basically because i've tons of hmwk, damn, cant think bout it, or else will get cramps in abdomen...

so ya anyways, main events of the day includes of course the getting of report cards. so ya, i got a 90.21 average. which is ok... i noe it aint bad, but it isn't the best average i could get. for one thing, i could easily have gotten 100 in math, but i didn't. so ya. i know i really shouldn't be complaining but i cant help it. because i messed up sooooooo much in term 1 and u noe what? the IB programme doesn't care a damn about ur other term's mark. all they care is term 1. so ya. i messed up on my LA, my Health, my science, and god knows what else. i had sooooo many grades in the eighties that i was upset. i know i sound like one of those annoying brats that wont stop complaing even though they got a good mark. i have no wish to become one, but u cant blame me, if this isn't my personal best. im so competitive... or maybe not... watever. gotta let it go.

but u noe what??? 90.21 is a good average, not excellent, then i saw lex + shar's average... friggin 92.5 and 93.8!!!! what in tarnation happened there?!?!? like, i noe they're awsm ppl with amazing brains but u noe, i find it so hard 2 accept that. i know i sound petty and all but really what all this is, in liam's words are, "UNJUST"ness. i mean, we all know that ms A is a hard marker, is it our fault that we get her for basically everything?!?!?!? HELL NO! so, i mean, its just not fair, we could have easily gotten a much better average! It's not fair they get the easy markers and we had MS A. dont get me wrong. ms a is an awsm teacher but u noe, when report cards day comes, u cant help but be mad at her. and its not like we can complain to her or anything, she'll just go like, dont blame me, blame urself. and i cant go confronting ms N or q-tip cause they'll just go ur-just-jealous. sheesh. i dont believe that im stuck with a 90.21 when i could have gotten like a 95 or something with diff teachers!!!!

omg, i dont believe myself. did i really say those things? *gasp* i know whats me, what my average, and whats true for me. but i guess i am competitive and vain after all. *sigh* it all seemed so reasonable when i was getting all depressed about the grades, but now when u start to write things down, u realize that ur really quite unreasonable. i mean, i guess what i want is just to be the best... like thats ever possible, i guess i dont want anyone beating me... *shutter* im scaring myself now. i dont wanna become like that. i dont wanna become some green-eyed jealous freak. which i guess is exactly what i am now.... *sigh* i mean, i just dont want the girls rubbing it smugly in my face, not that they would ever do such a thing, they are wonderful wonderful ppl. ugh. shall control emotions and get in touch with inner self. shall make peace with self.......... breathe in......... breathe out...... breathe in........... breathe out.......

kz, hopefully im normal now. hopefully. so ya, anyways, im still an idiot. like when kt asked me for my average, i went like, "you'll tell me yours rite?" and he went "um..ya...*shifty eyes*" so of course, in order to cover up the fact that i like him, had to make sure that he would tell me, like i would with any other person, but he refused. so ya, i was like... ok. and went 2 trade back my pants with bree's. when i came out, i wanted to tell him or apologize for not letting him know my average. but it would seem sooooooo weird to everyone not knowing of the situation, that i would care bout something as trivia as that. so i ended up not having the courage to tell him anything at all. so now, im probably some stuck-up snob in his opinion... not good... not good.... not good at all...... nice going there, dorcy.

and when we were at the volleyball practice......... the stupid sub coach just had to shut that door didn't he? ugh!!!! i wanna watch their practice!!!! sheesh! i needa pick up a few tips from the guys if i ever wanna make the team with my poor skills..... ok, so i frontin' but i dont have 2 make everything point blank, do i?

oww... my head still hurts from basketball when monica elbowed me in the head..... must get back 2 pic book now, shall edit entry if anything pops into my head.

98 / 78 = 1.26

Throwing you kisses @ 6:15 PM

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Sunday, November 28, 2004

working on pic book, nothing much 2 say, maybe i'll edit a picture of my book into here just so i'll always know what it looks like... anyways.. yada yada.

and forget impressing kt with my so-called "artistic" ability, i'll be lucky to ever get them done. *sniff* *sob* *sigh* whatever, i cant care less now. g2 run. and on a side note....

Dear Blog,
Why dont you ever write back to me?.
Yours truly,
Bloger.

Throwing you kisses @ 6:47 PM

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Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy