Saturday, December 18, 2004
it was nite and i was talking wiht david. somehow the subject got onto the kaitai subject again. well, for the record, david found my blog from google. how wonderful. big deal, its not like kaitai would be so bored to see if someone's crazily obsessed over him as i am.
[09:01:12 PM] food is the : if i know kaitai which i do
[09:02:01 PM] food is the : he just doesn't want to be in a
relationship now because he wants to make sure
everything is right
[09:02:14 PM] food is the : he doesn't want to get dumped
[09:02:49 PM] food is the : and he's a nice guy so he prob don't want
to hurt anybody if it turns out things aren't right
[09:03:02 PM] food is the : anyway
[09:03:12 PM] food is the : then he has to change allot
[09:03:44 PM] food is the : when a guy gets a girlfriend they try to
change for her
[09:04:04 PM] food is the : and i don't think he wants to change much
right now
thats what david told me last night anyways. it wasnt the most pleasant thing to hear, but it beats what i found out the day b4 and besides im 2 psyched bout the dance to let anythn get me down. besides, i dunno if i want a serious relationship now anyway, its not its only the guys that change, so do the girls. god, i try so hard to try to learn the stuff he likes but anyways, i lost my train o htoughts so thats that 4 now.
awww, i still remember his scent... awww..... i miss him already sooooooo much...
ps. i love and miss all you ppl 2!! ;)
Throwing you kisses @ 1:34 PM
oops, i forgot to talk bout my bear that mel and bree gave me yesterday. i love that bear. its so adorable and whats more, its called kt jr. go figure why i love it so much. silly sis is always trying to steal my bear. for god's sake its my bear, it has sentimental v alues, kz??? jeez, and my stupid rents dont understand half of what that bear stands to me, yet they act like they completely do... i hate it when ppl do that, it gets on my nerves so much. i mean, i hardly tell them anything now, but you seriously cant blame me for alienating myself from them. anyways, point is, i love kaitai so i love that bear.
anyways, i need to continue from yesterday. it was after the last dance, the one that i had asked kaitai *squeals* lolz. well, after the dance sorta ended, and him and i unwrapped our arms, i looked at him and well, i really cant tell what he was thinking then. i guess he sorta half smiled and well, ugh, i cant remember anything!! the memory's so foggy, damn me and my wishful thinkings at the time from seeing the reality. so, i dont remember him saying anything to me really. he looked all serious which was so different from what he usually is, all goofy and moronic. but i love him still. i think he half nodded... jeez, i cant remember anything clearly. well, i know for a fact that he made no gestures to signify anything more htan that we're just friends which is fine i guess. but im not too sure if the half nod and half smile is a good sign though... :S
well, now, i dont dare to talk to him, i dont know what he thinks now cause everyone's made it pretty clear tht i like him and well there's always this huge mob of ppl crowding with me while i gave him a present and all. he must be really slow not to realize esp considering he was involved. then again, he is kaitai and he really could be soooooo slow. i wouldn't be surprised if he didn't realize it still. its not like i REALLY want him to find out anyways. i like where i stand now. just being his friend with him unknowing of my gigantic crush on him, just watching him from afar. I would hate to make things awkward. i dont want him alienating me before we'd even be close friends. so now, i dont have the courage to talk to him. and the annoying thing is, im soo tempted to talk to him. but i cant. i dont know how he feels or if he knows already and well, i dont want to scare him away with my obsessions. although im pretty sure if he found this blog it won't be so hard to scare him away. *grin* but the thing is, everytime he comes on msn, my preset music for him comes on, and my heart just stops and it just gets chocked. my stomach does incredibly skilled somersaults lolz. its very VERY nervewrecking to not talk to him when you soooo want to. i would much rather wait for him to start a convo with me but i know that's not going to happen. he's such a heart-throb. i hate the way he leaves me hangin, i hate the way he can make me smile, laugh, frown and cry at the same time, i hate the way he makes me forgets myself and lose all directions, i hate the way he makes my heart floats on clouds and i hate the way he drops it and smashes it into smithereens, i hate the way he can make me so happy, i hate the way he can make me heart-broken and cause me to break down, i hate the way he's so perfect, and most of all i hate the way he's just him!!
o, i REALLY dont like you kaitai...*sigh*
Throwing you kisses @ 11:37 AM
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Friday, December 17, 2004
horrible morning done and over with. i changed into my green/ turqoise shirt/ dress and walked outside. the dress wasn't really one of the best things that happened to me either. i got it the same day as kristen. she insisted we try it on 2gether but in the end she decided i hsould not get it. and apparently durin glunch, she was damn pissed at me for wearing and buyin it. it wasn't a nice feeling knowing that kristen was made at me.
anyways, the long awaited dance finally came and i was dancing my heart out. all htat frustration came rite out. its nice knowng i dont have to care about anything anymore. it was nice. the songs were awsm, even though the dj's looks were not relaly. iloved the songs, finally some hip hop instead of pure rock or rap. there were 5 slow dances 2day and i danced with kaitai for two of them.... ahhhhhh *squeals*
of course, i had to take the initiative, kaitai is so incredibly slow in these stuff. god. perhaps even part of the reason why i love him so much. lolz anyways. during the second one, courtney pushed me up and i asked him... i think i said. "dance?" just that. i really hadn't expected him to accept even though i had hoped for monthes that he would. oh, just writing this fills my eyes with tears. i love him soooooo. anyways, he said, "not here" (cause we were standing by the wall) in that voice that i love and adore so much, the voice that makes me quiver with joy and excitement. oh, i can still here his voice reveberating in my ears. *swoons* lolz. ;p so we walked to the somewhat center of the floor and started dancing. it was the nicest feeling ever~~~ he held me "tight", or maybe it was me hugging him 2 tight... shucks, thats not good. anyways, it was nice then. so wonderful. but it must have been awkward for kaitai cause well, all my friends started popping out of nowhere and started mouthing words at me, giving me the thumbs up and everything. some of them (i couldnt make out who) even screamed out what she wanted to say. lolz. i mean, i was happy just to be dancing with him, i didn't really care bout anything else... man, that must be really selfish of me not to consider his feelings, i would hate to put him in a difficult position. ):
after that, i sank down to the floor and started sobbing uncontrolbaly, hopefully he didn't c me doing that. those were tears of joy. i was so proud of myself, so gratified he accepted instead of rejecting me, so utterly blissful that i had him so close to me for the first time. but thx 2 this, almost everyone now know that i like him, i do, i DO like kaitai. lolz. but i dont know if kaitai knows yet. i remember i told him that i liked a guy in gifted grade 8 yesterday. if he put two and two together, he will know that i like him... it wasn't planned tht way, i just want to have a dance with him...
the fourth dance, matt asked me to dance, i accepted and while we were dancing, i turned around and saw him dancing with madi. i didn't think much of ti then, but when i had a chance to think bout it. i realize that it was a fearful thought, if madi had feelings for kaitai, i had nearly no chnces of getting kaitai's affection. i mean, im not saying that appearances weighs a lot in relationships but popularity plays a part. im not saying anyone is shallow enough to fall in love with popularity but i guess all those teen flicks are really getting to me. i just wish it was madi that asked kaitai and not the other way round since then, id at least have some chance.
anyways, the last dance, i just HAD to ask kaitai. so i bounced up behind him, trying to catch up to him and tapped him on his shoulder going, "boing! Boing! BOING!" with each tap. dont ask why i did that, jst a spur of the moment, me and my awsm sound effects. after he turned around, i made hand gestures to show what i wanted and he... wait, now that i thought about it, he did seem to hesitate for just a split second, i dont know, natural reaction? i mean ur brain needs time 2 process the info rite? ya so we started dancing again, this time less ppl came by and made comments. he placed his arms round my waist, note not hands but arms. but come to think of it, its kinda hard to place hands on my waist considering we were so close and my waist is only that wide and his arms are only that "short" (short... hehe rite....) sigh* it was the nicest feeling to know that him and i are only seperated by our clothing, i love being close to him!! i could feel his chest rising up and down as he inhales and exhales; i could feel his breath tickling my neck; i could feel his arms shift from time to time; and i could smell his scent under my nose as i rested my head on his shoulder. it wasn't must of a rest, since his shoulder is still taller than my head... but ya. it was soooooo awsm knowing i had him soooo close to me, feeling him just rite by me. it was sooooo wonderful!!! *squeal*
I LOVE YOU KAITAI!!! I LOVE YOU!!! only thing is i'll have to wait for 10 more years before you'd let me love you, i'll wait and you'll be my secret crush for another decade... I LOVE YOU KAITAI LI FOREVER AND EVER!!!
(ps, the scent wasn't the smell of stinky gym clothes and shin pads and i really wonder if he figured everything out yet. i really dont want things awkward btween us. 2 weeks should do us good.)
(pss, meanwhile, i'll kill myself waiting, hoping, praying, anticipating and wishing)
Throwing you kisses @ 11:04 PM
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sittin gin da library, the candy canes were being delivered. i love getting candy canes but the thing is, i really dont like it when ppl turn it into a contest of popularity. i really dont like it when ppl count their candy canes and compare it as their indication of popularity. and wats more, i did personalized messages for almost everyone and as for rachael, i really had nothing "witty" to put for her, so i simply had to put, "merry x-mas ^^". i mean, i barely even heard of the name rachael last year and now i had to send her a candy cane. i sent her one only because well, i thought she was nice and all. i mean, when you dont know someone, you can have "inside jokes" to put. and wes jsut has to go, "you left comments for everyone except rachael, you rock dorcy!!" god. does he have any idea how that makes me feel?!?!?! god. horrible horrible morning.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:54 PM
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ok, so i came to school all weepy and all. crying on the way to school and in classes. i didn't want to look at him at all, that annoying lil person. i honestly hated him after what happened last nite. so much has happened and i didn't blog bout it. so once again, i'll rewind back to yesterday nite.
chatting on msn, as usual. doing my coutdown to DODWIAK, which stands for Day Of Doom When I Ask Kaitai (to dance that is). i didn't have the intentions of telling him everything so a dance it shall be. i was eagerly anticipating the arrival of the dance. and well, it wasn't a short wait. so to kill time and reduce the boredom of the silly math assignment, i started talking with bree and dimitri. they started asking me if im gonna fess up to kaitai the next day. of course i said no and they just went on about the pros and cons bout telling him 2morrow. dimitri says i hold it in too much. well its me. i really dont want him to find out just yet. i mean, in all honesty, i know he's gonna prob reject me and i dont even know what i specifically want yet. which when you come to think bout it, is kinda sad.
after coutless minutes of chattin bout my prob, we started working on bree's prob. god save that girl. she's almost as crazy as i am over her guy. well, she prepares to apologize to him tomorrow but i dont know, the way liam was acting is giving off bad vibes. i told bree tht, just so she could be prepared. after so, we remained silent for a bit, working on our math until mitri comes up with the shocking statements of kaitai. turns out he was working on kaitai for me, yayz! but the statement wasn't very cheerful though. it read:
i would like to be conservative and treat
everyone the same until i finish university, then im
probably going to let it all loose and do some.. you
know... banging
so i dont really want to have too much
feelings for one person.
perfectly encourage for my situation isn't it? i just broke down then and there. i tried to remain clam and ltold bree and mitri to keep on talking without me while i simmer down. i wasn't ma, just greatly disappointed and shaken. tears started fighting to fill the brim of my eyes. i could swear i was screaming. i mean, i had thought bout this concept so long ago too and vowed to stick to it but planning to do it and actually doing it are two different things altogether. i dont feel half the emotions as i did that night, but i can tell you i was sooo miserable. to learn that he probably wont accept anyone until he's 25 is sooo disheartening. and to learn that he wont alow himself to like anyone is everybit as harsh as the first. he cant do that to me! he cant!! not after all this... he's just about the cruelest person on earth. how dumb would i be to ask him 2morrow when i have found out htis?!?! im practically asking for the door of rejection being slammed in my face. i might not be that brilliant but i am after all, still a human being with some brains.
dodwiak is no more, its just not happenning. jeez, come on, hwo stupid can i get to even hope that he would like me!??!?! how could i EVER be good enough for him?? NEVER in a million years. stupid kaitai, how i hate him. making me suffer like this. who he think he is, just stepping in and overwhelming my life with his presence like that. i hate him. he simply cant do this!!!! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM, I DONT LIKE HIM NOT ONE BIT... my series of ranting shall go on forever. in fact it did last night. i was in complete self deceiving. screaming within myself that i dont like him, not even a little, telling myself time and time again tht this is all a irrational phase of mine and that i really truly hate him.
it was a horrible night, huge cramps, puffy eyes, sniffling nose, wet pillow, sleepless night ,all no thx to him. i stayed up crying my eys and heart out, in my frustration i started messing up his picture on da class photo. it was not as stress relieving as i though and i immediately regretted it after i'd wrecked the photo. sigh. irrational actions has its consequences...
so this morning, i sniffled my way to school, with occasional streams of tears escaping my eyes and all through the morning i tried my best to not look at him. i managed somehow. i couldn't laugh at his lame jokes. i couldn't look straight during string class cause god be damned that he is sitting right across us first violins. i stayed avoiding him the entire morning and sat doing what i would usually do with a heavy heart. i cried... in school. im so pathetic. god. sometimes i want to kill myself so much sometime and this is one of those times...
Throwing you kisses @ 10:47 PM
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
mwahahahaha, finally came 2 blog!
anyways, it was a good day 2day, what with me missing the entire day of school for rehearsals lolz. but shall backtrack a bit 4 now.
so ya, on sunday, went shopping with mel, bree and kristen. got presents 4 almost everyone, spent about 130 on presents and 20 on meself. sniff. so many awsm outfits there, but no can buy them. ya anyways, i still haven't finished my xmas shopping, i still need presents for 1 girl and 3 guys... ugh. well, gotta find some way to get money... meh, i'll find something, if worst comes to be i'll just use my own money out of my xmas shopping money. i mean, me mom isn't 2 happy bout the 130.
yesterday, missed lotsa rotary for choirs, missed science. according 2 bree, eric and her were fighting over sometime and qtip made a "witty" remark saying that they were holding hands and connor jumped in 2 say that it was bree+eric and liam+lily now. well ya, liam got pissed off and yes i spent my afternoon making up theories bout the incident. well, i mean liam couldn't possibly be REALLY mad at bree, this is just like b4, when bree was "mad" at liam only diff is liam, being a guy and all dont pour out their hearts to his friends so that makes things a lot harder than it is.
anyways 2day, looked through last year's yearbook that joy let me borrow. lolz she told me there were a lotta of his pictures in it in da sports sections. whohoo, big surprise there. stupid jock. well, whatever, so i was looking at his pictures... god, he is sooo awsm!!! he looks a lot diff than he is now though... or maybe its just me lolz. well, i cant really describe in words what i was feeling when i was looking at his pictures but i noe that ya... not going in2 da very cliched details lolz.
well, anyways, 2day was good, saw him, he's soooooooo amazing... he's good at EVERYTHING!!! well, of course, lily had 2 argue with me thats he's not good at the violin, cello, bass. yes lily... anyways, g2r, gonna raid fridge in search of food. ugh, stuffed all my food down in 5 minutes 2day during lunch. me going 2 concert in half an hour so ya. till next time... i sound like that kid on that yahoo cmmercial... not tat u guys would noe wat im talking bout...
Throwing you kisses @ 4:04 PM
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Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
