Where I Kiss My Childhood Goodbye

Saturday, May 07, 2005

April 15

went over to may's that day for gym routine. it was awsm. marko and eva came ova. tres tres fun. couldn't rent dawn of the dead cause we looked too young. darn it. y cant we b like david or lilz? it was fun :D:D

Throwing you kisses @ 6:43 PM

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apr 14

I went to mel's with bree to work on drama. it ended up being extremely late so we slept over that night. i laid in silence listening to bree and mel talk, occasionally offering my opinions. it wasn't that i didn't like sharing my life with them, its just, in comparison, im so much less talkative and what not.

we talked bout the ae club (annihlate emma club), of which i dont really support.

maybe it's just me. i feel like i have no right to hate emma. sure, she's not in my best books because of the rumors and her ways of flirting with cam while he was still with sarah, but do i know her well enough to hate her? that's like saying i hate paris hilton, lindsay lohan, hilary duff, ashlee simpson and what not. i remember paris hilton once saying (or maybe just lily's msn name claiming her saying) "you know you are the best when you dont even know hate you." u cant admit that that carries a point. not saying of course that its true. i mean, sure, in the world of girls, alot of ppl hate alotta ppl, that doesn't mean of course that those ppl are the best. quite the contrary, they're often whom we believe to be worst of the lot. dont worry, im not contradicting simpledminded paris' quote. im just saying is emma worth everyone's undivided hatred? we have better people to hate, or rather, to love.

love, hate. really, what is the difference? to me hate is but tortured love. ppl who knew well have heard me say that often enough. i know mel hates emma because she loves sarah. and honestly, i love sarah, and as much as i dislike emma not keeping her hands to herself and sending off horrible vibes, i'd much rather convert all hatred i have for emma into love for sarah. what right do i have to judge a person that i didn't even know? so far, the only thing that i know bout her is her looks and that she cant seem to realize the fact that it is wrong and horribly despicable behaviour to cling onto a guy in a relationship. then again, there are a bagillion other girls out there who do that, its only a matter of how much u realize the damage you have done. the least emma could do if she really like cam, which im sure she does, since she completely ignored the fact that cam was with sarah at the time, she could... wait until after the cam/ sarah thing was over before she made her move. or maybe thats just me. weighing my conscience over everything else. im neva gonna survive in da real world am i?

anyways, now that i think of it. at that point, i just took emma as someone who goes all out for the person she likes, i like that, but as i said, she gotta learn to watch her timing. but this was apr 14, 3 days before white hot chocolate was even over. me, bree, mel got really scared that night just talking bout this. it had felt oddly suppressing with the potc soundtrack playing in the background. it was like some bad omen predictin the occurence of a horrible event. i told everyone to stop talking bout it. because it firstly made me feel guilty bout talking bout emma, and it just scares me. im sorry. subconscious always leads to reality. and indeed. that next monday...

Throwing you kisses @ 6:40 PM

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well, quite a bit happened but i think i'll go back anyways.

Apr 12+13

well, honestly, i dont remember much anymore, its nearly an entire month that this has happened. so i'll make it short.

anyways. it was the badminton tryouts. i was late 3 minutes taht morning because i forgot my gym clothes at home when i was halfway to the school already, so i had to run back and rush to the school again, making me terribly outta breathe, def not a plus for an athletic even tryout. what was even worse is that i lost my gym clothes over the weekend, thx to that devil of a sis, so i had to borrow bree's. bree's shorts came up EXTREMELY short on me and... ya. thk god shar was there and offered to trade shorts.

so me and shar ran to the gym where everyone was already playing and what not. we had no clue of what we were supposed to do, so we asked one of the ppl there and got our raquets and birdies. there was enough ppl to fill two classes. that was how big the competition was. and because there were such a massive body of ppl trying out. the actual tryouts were tournamentized and postponed to the day after, which was good, because the raquets were killing me.

so on apr 13th. hmm... is taht a friday? wait one minute. hmm. no. it was a wednesday. o well. anyways. it seems to me that mom does nothing but scream at me all day. sorry. that was irrelevant. just the fact that while i am typing this, she came in a screamed and nagged at me to do homework so i wont be doing everything at the last minute when she has been telling me the same things for the last 9 days non-stop every single second that she found herself bored enough to say something to me. and what a bout my pjs? so what if they were long? i like them that way. not everything has to be done your way. if indeed everything was done your way, i would have died. so there. if u cant have everything your way, just live with what you have, like what i have learnt to do. for example, i hate the fact that the egotistical you bitch at me constantly every other second. but i did not scream at you, instead, i have learnt to take it out in my blog. maybe you would like to consider converting your premenopause syndromes into somehting less repeatitive and annoying than nagging at me all day. and to think today is the day before mothers day. woot! this outta be the perfect paragraph to write on this day.

see? its not fair, as soon as i have written this, i feel this surge of guilt. now pray tell me. how is this fair? u fucking dont feel any guilt when you bitch at me, so why should i be left to feel like a condemned criminal when i didn't even say a damn word to you? nvm. i know why. because im a nice lil angelic person who'd rather keep everything to herself or her blog and what not than to tell you to your face how bad of a person you have been. and the fact that i bear the fact that you are my dear mommie who raised me for 14 years and no matter how much pain i have been put through during those 14 years, i shall not forget that u kept me alive and kicking. you on the other hand, reminds me to fuck off and rot in hell on a constant basis. i love you mommie. i love you mommie.

anyways, back to the wonderful tryout. (note the sarcasm) when we were starting the tryouts the other day, i was wearing bree's shorts and i had to keep pulling them down, which is the reason i shall never EVER wear short shorts for gym.

so i was playing denise. she plays really fast. shes pretty good. but i might be able to beat her if i tried hard enough. but i wont deny the fact that she is a really good player, perhaps better than i am. well, the fact that kaitai was there by the doorway watching me play (in skimpy shorts no less) didn't help raise my confidence. after he told me that he would leave after seeing me score, i screamed at him to go away and leave me alone. which he did. thank god. but still i lost to denise anyways.

then i had to play a a total of about 6 ppl, if memory serves. of which i lost 2, won 2, tied 2. it bugged me how ppl cheated and i cant scream at them because i dont wanna come across as being too serious and a bitch who "makes up her own rules" when im perfectly playing by the rules. 80% of the ppl i played didn't know heck bout how to keep score. here's a couple basics:

1. A coin toss or spin of the racket determines who will serve first.

2. The serve must travel diagonally (cross court) to be good.

3. A serve that touches the net and lands in the proper court is called a let serve and is reserved, otherwise, only one serve is permitted to each court until a side out occurs. A serve that is totally missed may be tried again.

4. The racket must make contact with the birdie below the waist on a serve.

5. The server and receiver shall stand within their respective service courts until the serve is made.

6. Points may only be scored when serving.

7. All lines are considered in bounds.

8. In singles, when the server's score is an even number, the serve is taken from the right side. When the server's score is an odd number, it is taken from the left. (Serving in a doubles game is different)

god, how much do i have to emphasize numba 6?!?! whatever. the point(s) is(are):

a)im playing my friends, so wth do u think i am to "kill" them, say if i had the ability to?

b)i cant scream at ppl for not playing with the rules cause i'll be labeled a bitch and im not that competitive (in comparison) or the arguement type

c)i realized after my thing with denise that my right thumb was bleeding like crazy for some odd reason. my entire thumb was gorily bloody

d)my wrist was completely swollen after the tryout, because the raquet was so damn heavy. yes i know that ppl are using the exact same crummy school raquets, but i dunno, having played with my slightly lighter raquet all my life, my feeble physique is quite incapable of handing such extreme weight...

e)the whole tournament system was unfair. you do not get a chance to play everyone. if u ended up playing the better ppl, you had less of a chance making top 8. if u played the good (nt better) ppl, ur chances are way higher.

o well, excuses excuses, i didn't make it o well. but the thing that bugs me is. do ppl who're on the team deserve to be there?

Throwing you kisses @ 2:22 PM

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Sunday, May 01, 2005

HOLY BLEEPING FUCK! I HATE THE WORLD. I HATE MY PARENTS. COUPLE OF FUCKED UP MOTHAFUCKERS WHO DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS GOING ON IN MY SHITTY FUCKED UP LIFE. THIS IS IT. I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL, SWEARING AT MY PARENTS. I DONT CARE! I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL. SO CAN THEY. SO CAN EVERYONE ELSe.

who do they think they are, screwing up my life like this? i was gonna go get joy's bday prezzie today but mel decided to call about bree with i'll get to later hopefully. it was one of those emotional crisis and there was no point explaining to my thickskulled understanding dad whose power and ability to comprehend and feel for the shitty things that happen in my life just overwhelm me everytime i attempt. i wouldn't have been late had i not been friend enough for 10 minutes to help mel through part of the crisis during which period of time, my parents have been inconsiderate enough to scream at me constantly. eventually when i finally realized i had to hang up to save my hide, i pulled on my shirt and socks with my dad still screaming at me telling me and i quote, "zai xi yi fang deng wo" which means for the mandarin challenged, "wait for me in the laundry room".

so i put on lip gloss and found my purse which could not have taken more than 2.5 minutes and went down to the laundry room to realize that i need the front door key to get in. now someone please tell me how in the world was i supposed to know that, considering i never ever step into that claustrophobic room. so i waited patiently outside, knocking on the door from time to time, only to realize no one is ever going to open up that door. so i went upstairs to look for my mom only to be left cold standing outside the door for 10 whole minutes. my sister and mommie have formed an alliance of sorts to lock me outside my own door and when i called to be let in, my mommie resorted to screaming at me instead. so i went down to the basement parking lot and saw my dad in the car.

wow, is that where he has been all this time? in his cozy lil car while i was locked out for 15 whole minutes? i applaud u. i make my way across the lot only to see my dad starting to drive away while i stand there waiting for the car to stop so i can open the door. but he didnt. i resisted the urge to stand in front of the car to block the way but i didnt or couldn't. so instead, i flung open the door of the moving car and seated myself in the car. and all throughout the drive i hear my dad yelling at me to get my fat ass outta the car cause hes drivin' me nowhere. and when i asked him to ge me home, he refused in such a gentlemanly manner (coughcough) that i cannot help but marvel at the vulgarities in the begginning of this entry. i tagged along for THREE WHOLE HOURS all the time cussing under my breathe and being amazed at myself for putting up with such crap for so long.

it was you that told me to wait in the laundry room, i waited there, where the hell were you when i got htere? i apologize sincerely for not having enough brain cells to figure out that u might in that damn car of yours. and i am deeply ashamed that i called ur cell only to have u not pick up on me 4 times in a row. i am also very very very deeply apologetic about the fact that i take ppl's words seriously so i waited for 5 whole minutes in front of the laundry room thinking you would come back, whereever u are. i apologize for being the gullible lil girl who doesn't think and trusts what everyone says. i also apologize for sulking all that time because you kept on glaring at me and shoting vulgarities at me. as you can see, i am deeply sorry because it was truly me that was 120% at fault.

and when i finally settled myself at the computer and initiated my blogging session with kelly clarkson music blaring in the background, my mom decided to remind me of the fact that i am an ingrate who does not deserve anything in life. that, i do not argue with. my mom then "politely" decided to turn off my speaker once and for all. i could not blog without music, not when you have caused me so much misery. so i switched on my speaker again. my mom, very unimpressed with my performance decided to prove to me that shes the one in charge by turning off my speakers once again. now, i had enough life and grace to not bother with the speaker again. instead, i waited until she left the room when i noted that she didn't close the door behind her properly. so i walked to the door and slammed it.

i dont know about you guys, but slamming doors seems like a pretty average teenage thing to do, correct me if im wrong. but my mom chose to come in and start giving me a few blows of her mind. literally blows. like physical blows. then again, me being 14, was not that weak and feeble no more, so i suffered no damage. but ding dang it! what sorta rents do that to you? and after that, she proceeded to shut down the main power of my computer and thus resulted in me losing half my entry. anyone who had an entry as long as mine would know how tedious it is to type up the whole thing again...

i dont get it. i really dont. how is it that my parents have the right to dish out vulgarities and psycical blows while i sit and watch and everytime i do occasionally let vulgarities slip, my soul would feel so chagrined. i dont know. i feel bad. like some despicable girl who doesn't deserve anything she has, which is true. but... im truly sorry, but somehow, i feel it wasn't completely my fault. or maybe its just my horrible human characteristic... forgive me...

Throwing you kisses @ 6:54 PM

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i was reading my first entries, and i realized i sounded very immature and ditzy and stupid.

Throwing you kisses @ 11:36 AM

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I shall skip ahead to yesterday, i'll just have to move this entry back when i organize my blog then.

it was another ordinary saturday consisted of me doing absolutely worthless nothings and blogging. there wasn't much i can write that would thrill the readers but instead, bree got into uts.

she told me on msn, saying that she has something that would make me scream at her forever and honestly that was my first reaction when she told me. i wanted to scream so bad, so hard, so loud that my lungs would burst and just completely erase what i was feeling. she got into uts. she got into uts. those words repeated over and over again in my head. it's like htat over n over again song by nelly, it just keep going on, repeating themselves, and annoying the heck outta you. bree got into uts.

i wanted to scream. but i couldn't. something was holding me back. i dont know what. every lil nerve inside of me told me to just let go and scream until i faint due to lack of oxygen. to scream, to scream, if only that will make her stay, stay with us, stay with us for high school. i want to scream my head off at her, at her brilliance, at her acceptance into uts. i want to chain her to a chair and just scream at her. or maybe just chain her to something so she wouldn't leave us.

but i didn't do any of the above. i've been told by mel that im the logical one. am i? if i am that logical, i wouldn't be having those rush of feelings, i wouldn't be frantically typing away at the computer now because i would be able to sustain everything inside me. but apparently, im still emotional as anything.

i didnt know what to tell bridget. she suddenly seemed so far away. bree... might she still be our bree? our mishai buzzi bee? our mitz? our koko? our moz? our prada? or is she just going to be bridget, a name that we once acquainted our empty souls with. a name that no longer carries any meaning to us? the name sounded so distant last night. it felt as if it was graduation day and i can paint myself a picture of the group of us hugging, then we were saying goodbye holding each others trembling hands vowing never to let go. then we'd go home, go to high school. and bree, i would hold her hand and we would be going separate ways. we'd be farther and farther apart until our hands would slip and our fingertips would brush against each others and with tears in my eyes, i'd look away and walk tall and proud to mci, not daring to look back, because i know those tears would never fail to betray what i truly feel.

im a selfish girl. i am, i am. i want ppl to stay with me. what better example than kaitai? but lets not get on a tangent here. i want bree to stay with me. i want to scream at her, hoping that'll make her stay. but i didn't scream. i didn't. instead i calmly congratulated her and told her all my options in a list. honestly, maybe logic had taken over and i know that screaming would do no one any good, so i didn't. so i kept everything within myself. or maybe it was the fact that bridget had predicted my responce. she knew i would scream at her. she knew, she knew straight from the beginning. was i out to prove her wrong? was i out to prove something? perhaps.

what kind of friend would i be to scream at bridget when she got into one of the best high schools in the city? a horrible, atrocious, disgusting one. did bridget figure that out? is that why she knew i was going to scream at her after she'd divulged her piece of information with me? maybe. maybe.

did bree want to get into uts? on the surface no. on the surface, everything seems to be passive. she seems to be doing the test, writing her resume, preparing for the interview because of her parents. it sounded as if it was her parents thats making her do everything. but is that really true? i doubt it. i highly doubt it. bridget isn't that kind of person. her parents have taken over one of her biggest decision in her teenage years the way it seemed. and is any one of us truly that easily pushed over by our parents. maybe me, i dont know. but not mel, not bridget, not kristen, not anyone else i know. i know i may be weak. but those around me definitely arent. had bridget really wanted to escape the peril of uts, she would have done something. but she didn't.

as much as i'd bree to stay with us and mess up her interviews and what not, i understand that, like any azn kid with pushy azn parents, there's a burning desire to get into that school. it's the fact that you dont want all your hard work to go down the drain, it's the fact that you want to prove to yourself that you can make it into that school. it's the fact that you want to shut ur parents up, prove to them that you're not the tramp that they say you'll become. it's also the fact that you like that school. admit it or not, bree wanted to get into uts, whether or not if it was to prove anything to herself or to anyone else.

i noe, had i been in bridget's shoes, i'd probably have made the same choice and decision, thus i highly respect the fact that she chose to shine her brilliance upon those interviewers and stun them with her superior intellect. maybe that's why i didn't scream at her as i originally thought i would and should. maybe i realized in the back of my mind how horrible of a friend i would be had i chosen to scream at her. it's her choice, her decision, her life. i'll be making it no easier had i pressured her. it wouldn't do either of us any good. besides, she didn't need to make any decisions for at least a couple days yet. i'll fret then.

partly, i want bree to go to uts. really, it's a good school. as much as i'd love for her to come to mci with me, i realize that she shouldn't forsake her future for her friends. not saying that she wouldn't have a future at mci or she should ditch her friends for the materialistic life she might have. that's not what im implying at all. really, if bridget worked so hard, as i know she had, she deserves every single right in the world to go to that school and trample everyone there.

im thinking how i can write this down without making it seem like i want to kick bree outta my life or forcing her to stay with me. i realize i cant do that. so no matter.

bree, its your life, you make the choice. i'll be behind you always and i'll always love you.

wait a minute, am i trying to kick bree outta my life? no, not in the least. but look at who's leaving. rach, lex, suz, mitri, mike, shar, david, cam and kaitai. everyone said that they were going to mci. did they? no. where were the promises u left with us? whatever happened to staying together always? tell me! WHAT HAPPENED?!!?!?! now bree. i have the distinct intuition that she'll be joining the list. go ahead and leave bree, its not like not enough ppl aren't leaving yet. I HATE YOU ALL!! I HATE YOU ALL FOR LEAVING ME!! I HATE YOU ALL!! GO AHEAD AND LEAVE CRYING AT NIGHT!! go ahead and pretend that you'll come back, go ahead and fulfill your ego that you're big and tough and dont give a damn about leaving everyone, go ahead and leave me. go ahead and make me cry my eyes out. add to my list of leaving friends so i can finally drown myself in my tears at night and not having to wake up and face the same things over again. go! just go! everyone jsut leave me! mel, kristen, lily, may, madz, joy why dont u all leave too?!?!? just leave, and i'll be happie to cry myself asleep every night and never have to wake up again because i'd have used up every single ounce of my soul to mourn for myself. let me be selfish without anything holding me back, let me hate you without anything beating up my conscience...

Throwing you kisses @ 10:48 AM

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Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy