Saturday, March 19, 2005
To: rach < stupid_cupid20@hotmail.com >
From: bestest_pals@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: finally works gain.
do you know what absolutely sux?? having ur hotmail down for almost a week. my inbox was like BOOM!!! (well, i can still read mail, i just cant send anything) a bagillion something emails... most of them were stupid newsletters that i decided to subscribe to during the summer that or spam... or that quiz thing that everyone is doing. lolz. its so hilarious reading everyones answers. some ppl say the most random/ hilarious thing. u have to read mike's. its an edited version of david's. so great. david's scared me a little though. lolz. i hope u having a good vaca so far. and now that my comp is up and working again. (have you realized how much my comp breaks down????? the rotten luck... wait wait... maybe i will use that as xcuse to get new comp!!! lolz... evil scheme coming up *devious grin*) ahhhhhhhh now i dunno what to say, cause my mom is screaming at me... so yeps. my mind is filled wiht her yells and screams and yeps. i would tell you what u said but its in chinese and im too lazy to translate so ya lolz.
anyhows, after losing my train of thoughts, i will blab on about the dance a thon. i dont know if anyones told you bout it yet but ya. *smax forehead for not replying sooner* anyways, it wasn't altogether that great, i mean it could have been a lot better. the songs were... hmm... interesting. they were awsm songs no doubt but they weren't dance songs. the rhythms were in between so all u can really do is jump and theres not much point in jumping for 1 and half hours. and macarana + ymca right after one another??? c'mon!! major waste of energy. and well, lex had slight cramps... so part of us decided to be wallflowers, and we made the wall look pertiful (shameless self promotion) . and because the song selection wasn't all that great and some ppl weren't in best of spirits... the dance was a letdown. but hey, a dance nonetheless. o ya, and during the slow dances, the dj made ppl "snowball" which is whenever he syas snowball u switch partners. so u end up dancing with bagillion diff guys. well, screw that. i stuck with one... but all da otha had fun. its not a threesome, not a quartetsome, not a quinsome... but a bagillionsome!!! lolz. bet it was fun for da otha pimpin' playettes lolz. o ya. sharon won a lamp ish thng, kaitai won a football, cam won a basketball, and um... guess what chong (mike) won?? A COSMETIC SET!!! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL. ah lolz. i wanna see him all glammed up on tuesday. dont you? lolz. so yeps that was the dance. draw ur own conclusions lolz. cause i know ppl who stand up for both "OMG THAT WAS AN AWSM DANCE" and "OMG WAHT A CRAPPY DANCE". so pick ur side lolz.
hmm... wow, this is getting really long. hmm... well, yesterday, me, mel, kaitai was at davids watching euro trip... hmm... care to think up the possibilities? god, i swear, the girls were sooo blond in it. lolz. and david and kaitai were being complete guys. so much so that i dont dare to watch the scenes anymore. i mean im ok with nudity and all that stuff but with kaitai and david giggling... hmm... u really gotta rethink what you're doing there. and david and kaitai had the nerve to rent it when his rents can easily find the mooooooooooooo-vie and watch it. lolz. o well, his risk. i just watch the movie lolz. it was hilarious. and afta that, we watched the notebook... lolz. such a HUGE trip. euro trip... to... the notebook. horny... to... sappy. lolz. yeps then me and mel decided to cook dinner so we blew $40 on GROCERIES!! we're such crazy lil girls. o well, got in slight trouble... only slightly though lolz *shifty eyes* and i sliced my finger open while cutting apples while on the phone wiht kaitai... lolz. and i busted his eardrums screaming into the phone cause i was freaked by all the blood, cause it was at the padding of my fingers so there was alot of blood vessels and stuff lolz. so end my very exciting day.
luffz ya tons always
d.olce
Throwing you kisses @ 7:53 AM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
i hate it. i really do. i hate myself. i hate the way how i always manage to screw everything up. y cant i just shut up and leave everything be? why cant i just let myself swallow my pride and be sensible for once?? y do i never find the right words to say? why do i alienate everyone from me?
i hate it. i really do. im always the one apologizing. im not the only one thats sarcastic, im not the only one thats protective bout what she wants, im not the only one that has ideas, im not the only one that gets hurt when u reject me, so why should i be taking all the shit from everyone, when i have to apologize for everything i do?? i sound ungrateful for everything that i have, but im really sick and tired of apologizing. i know im not the smartest person alive, and im dont say the smartest thing at times. sometimes wrong with me. im not finding excuses for myself. i know im stupid and retarded and should just be left alone to die but i cant help but feel hurt. i dont get it. if you diss me, tease me, put me down, squash me, demand everything of me, why should i take everything you give me, and be expected to keep smiling when you get mad at me at the lil-est thing i say or do? i fear losing you. you know i do. so why do you say the things you do? i have the right to be pissed, i like any other human in the world, am allowed to be pissed, but i choose not to, cause i love you so much. its not worth it to dilute our relationship (friendship or love blehhhh) with words. but it hurts. you cant tell me to be a certain way and expect me to take it when you never do what you say.
do you ever try putting up with everything ppl say about you? i put up with it because i love you. not because im soft, not because im push aroundable. but because i love you all so much, yet you choose to hurt me. you choose to hurt me. i wnat to cry. i do. i dont want to be soft, i dont want to be pushed around. i want to stop being so nice to you. cause you hurt me so. jsut because im usually nice, doesn't mean i always have to be. you're not, so whats to stop me from being mean occasionally? why's it when i do that, u start spazzing, and when u do that, im expected to act as if you're angel sent from above to light my day. i want to be bad, i want to stop caring. but i cant. because im so damn scared of losing everyone. im so scared. so scared that one day i'll lose everything that i've loved or cared for, like so many times in my life. i've lost so many things... i've lost touch with so many ppl that i once poured my heart to. i wnat to believe friends last a lifetime, but thye dont. i want to believe that parents are always supposed 2 be there to bring you support and comfort, but thhey dont. i want to believe friends will always be there for you, but they're not. i want to believe that love lasts a thousand years, but im only 14 and that'll never happen to someone like me. i need to be strong but im not. im everything that i hate. im selfish, im stupid, im bratty, im ugly, im overly sensitive, and im a green-eyed lil lust monster.
i noe im expecting too much from everyone. i know im exaclty like everyone else. im no one extraordinary. i just wish everyone would just let me be sometimes. just give me a break. give me a lil room to breathe, give me a lil space to let my tears run in silence. i hate it. i care and i know like everyone else, they care about what ppl say too. but why should i be left here to cry when its so late at night? im always the one apologizing because im so scared of losing them. are they not scared of losing me? how i wish i could just shrug everything everyone says about me and let it all be. but i cant. one look is enough to kill, as long as its from someone that i care about, which is almost everyone. i try to make everyone happie. a too noble dream. its true and its never going to get me anywhere. i want to be bad, i'd try then i'd always go back to being the lil soft girl that i am because i want to hold on to you all as hard as i can, because believe it or not, we're going to drift apart eventually. im so scared that being bad will make you hate me, make you loathe me, make you shun me. so i'd do all i can to please you all. its me. no, its not a hypocritical effort to get on everyone's good side. i only try because making you happie sets my conscience at ease. but im still hurt, hurt so deep that its pains me to taken in each breathe of air that contains ur essence. i want you to love me, i need you to love me, so please dont hurt me. but if ppl only love you if you're a certain way, do the really love you? i dont know. theres no real unselfish ppl in the world so i cant answer that.
i dont want to lose anyone. i really dont. what with grad and all, i guess its just a stupid day in general. i feel like im screwing everything up. my grades aren't the best right now, im not on agreeable terms wiht my rents, and im constantly saying the wrong stuff, and the one thing that has been going right, which is kaitai, i almost manage to screw up and just lose everything. you have no idea how that wednesday night felt. to know that he might just leave you in the ditch to die alone. i wished i didn't have him, than i'd have nothing to lose. but now i do, if i screw up, i'd lose everything. i have everything to lose. y cant i jsut be normal?? to hear his voice on the phone saying thsoe words cut me deep. dont scare me. i love him so much, and all of a sudden, i felt like i had nothing. nothing left to hold on to. nothing at all. i felt like crying but i cant even tell him that, cause i dont want to be a burden. i wnat him to be happie but if he was happie, i'd be devastated. i cried. i'd let my tears wet my pillow and sob myself to bed and wake up in a puddle of desperate tears. somehow i'd managed to save it from the depths of ruins, so im good again. sorta, but with so many nerves missing from this end of the head, i dont know how long i'd be able to keep everyone loving me. i feel so lost... so trivia, so small in this city, flickering with lights to keep the night sky lit, lit for ppl like me to gaze out the window and realize that i dont even have a single spark of light keeping my passion from burning out...
Throwing you kisses @ 10:11 PM
_____________
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
