I've said this so many times, it's slightly frustrating. The whole deal about me and Kaitai on opposite ends of the Spectrum of Athleticness, is quite annoying. On one hand, I'm trying my best to not fall below the average line, on the other hand, he's being invited by Ms. Anderson to coach the Grade Six Basketball Team. Frankly speaking, I doubt I'm even as good as the cute, high-pitched girls who are 2 years younger than I am.

What's worse is that I have the world's biggest ego underneath everything that I seem to be. I was so used to being best at everything in Singapore, in China, in every other school that I went to, that when all of a sudden, you get dumped in JGA, in a school full of the elites, I find it hard to suddenly adjust to not being the best. After all, you gotta be la crème de la crème in order to shine.


The cream of the cream?

And I just stop trying. If I can't be the best without dedicating every single second of my purposeless life, I'm not going to try, I'm just going to be contented being above average. But it doesn't help when the one person you love is so damn good at everything you wanted to be. So naturally when he complained like the careless tiny bit of show-off that he is, that gym was far too easy, I wasn't all that pleased. Not pissed, but not pleased either, which is why I declared that I shall ignore him for the rest of the day.

I never meant it. I was merely joking.

Yet, he must've taken it to heart as for the entire afternoon, he didn't say a single word to me. Or maybe I just didn't give him the "opportunity" to talk to me. Either way, there was no verbal exchange that day.

When 3.05p.m. rolled around, I stuck around trying to say goodbye, meanwhile realizing that my cheeks were flushing up like I had been watching the Delicio (however you spell) pizza rise in that blasted oven.

I swear my cheeks were red for the first time in the school year. And if you know me, my cheeks are NEVER red. Dare I say... fever?

When he left with Liam and Chris for the bus-stop, I thought I could cry. Perhaps the heat had gotten to my brain and roasted that peanut-sized thing to a crisp. I wanted to say good-bye but I couldn't. I couldn't cling on, I refuse to be an annoying piece of toilet-paper that's stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe which no matter how hard they try, they cannot get it off.

I knew Kaitai knew what I was thinking, and I knew Chris and Liam probably knew I was loitering around to say good-bye to Kaitai, but I just wouldn't. chris called out to me, telling me to walk with them to the bus-stop. I was that close to doing so when Melissa came out and all the pride and ego just surfaced and I refused myself the pleasure of saying good-bye to the guys, especially one of them.

So I took my burning body home, limping. I didn't know how I got home that day. I couldn't see the road ahead of me, I couldn't feel my violin in my hands, I couldn't think. All I could think about was how much of a failure I am. How had I managed to screw up my body and my mind all in one day? To strangers on the road driving past, I probably looked like a walking roasted duck- red with pouty lips and waddling.



Somehow, I ended up home. I collasped on the bed and fell dead. It sucks. Everything was a blur. I couldn't keep my eyes open, it was as if there were gold on my eyelids weighing them down. It was as if I had applied 100 coats of mascara on my lashes, glueing them together. I felt like I was going to overheat and explode any minute.

So maybe it wasn't such a smart idea that I had my phone beside me all afternoon as I slept. Waiting for that one single number to pop up on my display screen. Who knows, maybe I'll heat up enough to make my portable explode. Together with my anguish, sorrow and whatever hopes I had left.

Throwing you kisses @ 11:18 AM