Friday, March 25, 2005
1、如果你喜欢他，就告诉他吧，即使他拒绝，并不丢面子，因为在他的心里，会因为你的真情而非常非常感激你。
2、如果他喜欢你，要明确告诉他你的感情，喜欢就是喜欢，不喜欢就是不喜欢。千万不要怕伤害他而犹豫不决地。不要让他脆弱地等待到最后受到抛弃，因为男孩子的心一旦碎了很难很难再好起。
3、男孩子也有自己的脾气，只是因为爱你而压抑。不要总是任性，有时他们的决定也很有道理。
4、男孩子莫名地向你发脾气，那是因为他爱你，把你当成最亲的，最贴心的，最有安全感的人，千万不要和他发脾气。静静地等着，等他消气后后悔地去抱你。
5、他为你准备的东西，即使再难看，再廉价，也要去珍惜。因为那里面融汇着他整晚的思绪。
6、相信他许愿给你多么多么美好的生活，要给他鼓励，因为你的鼓励会使他创造出奇迹。
7、不要总是和他联系，问他去哪里，告诉他注意安全，你会等着他就可以。
8、不要总说“我爱你”，他会半真半笑着说烦你，但不要不说，因为有时候，他们比女孩子更需要这句。
9、他为你掉眼泪了，那么他是真的非常非常地爱你！珍惜他的每一颗眼泪，不要道歉，不要安慰，握着他的手，默默地为他擦去泪滴。
10、要信任他，如果他爱你，就不会轻易骗你！即使真的有说谎的行为发生，也是为你们的爱情能够永远不离不弃。
i think im all of those... and i'll be all of those. *determinded look* HIYAH!!
Throwing you kisses @ 4:32 PM
i feel the need to add that my parents let me go
everywhere coughcough only because they have no uses for me anymore and i have to find means to get there and back by myself. so techniquely they dont do anything. but i think the reason y im allowed 2 go is they dont care bout me anymore, so long what i do dont bug them like ask for rides and stuff, i can go. guess what? if i get raped and killed, slong as i dont drag them to court or they dont get implicated, they wont care.
Throwing you kisses @ 3:25 PM
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okay, so today im home again. wonder if i can do anything special. well. i was hoping to go shopping tomorrow, but when i confronted my rents yesterday night about that, it was a definite no, the reason being i have been the worst kid imaginable recently. well. before i start on a rant bout how much my rents suck and stuff. i'll come clean off and admit my own mistakes.
i know im not the most pleasant girl to have in da families at times. i mean, i look at kaitai and liam and their parents are on such good terms with them, that i cant help but wonder what went wrong with me. okay, so i dont want to do the things they want me to do, which is do math and learn chinese all my march break. but i mean, which kid dont have their differences with their parents? i was so sure i could work everything out. but i guess i was wrong. my parents are so stubborn, as am i. guess it runs in da family huh? im no longer the conventional 110% chinese schoolgirl that i used to be, the sweet too-easygoing girl that they want me to be. it's a change, but a change that they will have to get used to. theres no way i can go through all i have gone through and not have changed one single bit. its not 2 centureis ago in china anymore. they gotta realize that this is canada now and they gotta move with da times. somehow they dont want to change. truth be told, no one wants to change, but you all have to, at one point or another. and if everything else round you changes, theres no way you can make everyone else the way you want them to be, the only way to survive and happy is for yourself to change. so if all your friends are living in canada, your 14 year old daughters living in canada, y dont you start dragging yourself out of the dictorial household and realize that i have equal rights as you do? i know i should be helping round the house more, and i know i havne't been doing the best job of that. but im trying. are you trying to stop screaming at me? i dont get it, if you want me to willingly do things for you, for the family, for me, wouldn't it make much more sense if you just talk nicely and calmly to me as i try my best to do when i talk to you. it really doesn't help when you scream at me to get out of bed each morning when im the earliest riser usually, and the one day i sleep in, you scream the hell outta yourself. alright i will stop. i like just not caring bout anything recently and just allow their screams and yells float in through the right ear and go winding out the left. i want to think that they still love me, but the way they have been doing things... it just doesn't add up.
GOD FUCK IT. i was talking to eric, may and shar and all of a sudden she wants me to do the laundry (not just MY laundry but THE laundry) in that instant, i tell her i'll do it 5 minutes later after i said goodbye and what not and she just walked over and shut the power off. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SHE DOING?!?! i sooooo wanna swear at her right now. and at my dad too. they just walk in and expect me to drop everything and do what they want me to do. why the fucking hell dont they jsut get a fucking dumbass robot to do their fucking chores? i will do those chores. i even closed msn and proceeded to do the laundy but that ... woman just has to turn off my computer, no matter i was saying to my friends at that time. GODAMIT!! ahhhhhhhhhh its not fair. i wanna move out. you hate me and i hate you, so why the bleeping hell am i doing in this fucked up family?? ahhhhhhhh. y am i swearing so much?? why do i even care?? god, wth do they tke me as?? i wouldn't mind doing everything but the shitty attitude they have been giving me is too much to take. i want to love them. i tried to love them. but do they giving me, themselves a fucking chance? im not like mel. i have my guilts moments ago when i was writing this, my guilts bout how i wasn't doing the best i could, and how nice they have been to me. but now, my conscience is cleared. godamit. the whole laundry thing seems trivia. but does she EVER stop and think and use that thick fat whoozy brain of hers to stand in my shoes and feel what its like to be screamed at during every waking moment of her life?? noooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooO. all she does is scream and scream and scream. she doesn't even break anything negative nicely to me, like bridgets parents. they dont scream that much, they dont let her do certain things, but they dont scream at her either. do you know how big a blow it is to have someone that you have to learn to live with and love throughout the rest of your fucking lives to scream how much of a failure and a retard to you?? do you know the kinda stuff they say to me? excuse me if im swearing like anything now. but guess waht? my parents swear at me. yes u heard me, tehy swear at me. wahtever happened to not swearing in front of your kids for a positive influence. all they tell me now is how they wish i would rot in fucking hell, and "fuck, i wish i could kill you", fuck this, fuck that, fuck me, kill this, kill that, kill me. wow. i really do have a wownderful life dont i? i shouldnt be complaining, i shouldn't be grumbling and swearing at this block of senseless metal right now. but what else can i do? im not allowed to talk on the phone, im not allowed on msn no longer, god fuck it, im alienated from the rest of the world. and guess waht? theres not many ppl out there thats willing to listen to me talk shit bout my parents. yes yes, i know the drill. they only scream at you because they love you. my bleeping foot. if they really loved me, they wont be putting me thorugh EVERYTHING that i detest. if they truly loved me, they would stop screaming and swearing at me every spare minute that i get. (wtfh ever happened to keeping vulgarities outta lil kids coughfyercough????) if they truly loved me, they wont wish me rot in hell or end up as some bleeping prostitude on the side of the roads when i grow up. if they truly loved me, they would be anything but themselves. they claim that im not helping out around the house. h-hem, excuse me? im 14, yet already i babysit 4 hours a day LEAST. wait a minute... isn't that wat parents are for??? hmm... lets think. i do the chores u make me do, i try my best to get good grades. now if memory serves, weren't u the one that told me that fucking grades r my priorities in life? i try not to go shopping as much as i possibly can. you know what? i cant even feel guilty right now. if my grades are slipping, its because of that one bleeping interview u had with anderson that screwed up the rest of my year. if i give you attitude, its because you never fail to scream every word that you possibly can scream adn you never fail to find a way to scream the words that weren't meant to be screamed. if i dont do my chores as often as i used to, its because your bleeping annoying voice keeps bugging me in the back of my friggin head and wont give me a single minutes peace, so i needa engross myself in msn or my music or phone calls to drain away what you jsut bleeping said to me so i can actually do something. if im always in a bad mood, its because you've only added to my stress each and every single day and ctu me awy from my only ways of stress relieving. my music, my friends, my social activities. everyone thinks you're da greatest parents ever to let me go to everything, but guess what? how much sacrifices do i have to make in order for that to be true. and most of the time, you let me go only because you have no more uses for me and i had to hitch a ride or watever it was. i dont like hitching rides thank you very much. i really dont get you. i really have nothing left to feel guilty about anymore. you're not kaitai's parents who listen to his arrangements to spend bonding time. you're not like mel's parents who try to make her happie by granting her parties and taking her shopping. you're not like bree's parents who actually manage to keep a soothing tone even though they aren't that calm themselves. you're not like anyone's parents who at least do SOMETHING to keep their kid happie. all you ever do is make me sad and depressed and angsty and mad at the world and so suicidal that i wanna kill everyone else with me. so i thank you, for making me the most depressed, ansty, mad at the world, likely-to-become-a-suicide-bomber kid. btw, if anyone finds a reason that i shouldn't be that way... tell me. plz do. i need a surge of guilt to like my parents again... god i feel like swearing some more..... GOD FUCK THOSE JACKASSES.
Throwing you kisses @ 2:03 PM
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Thursday, March 24, 2005
more pics from lily's place
Throwing you kisses @ 10:59 PM
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somethings changed with me. something has definitely changed.
i was so very crazy over kaitai... i'd cringe with every single word that he utters, i'd bleed with every breathe he takes, i'd cry with every twitch he makes, and i'd die with every single thing that he did that alienated me from him. but now... things are different. i mean, im still every bit as crazy about kaitai as i was, or am i? i dont know. i know that i have extremely strong feelings for kaitai, but, after reading sal's blog. i've come to doubt what i feel. i thought i loved him, i thought it was love, not just some 14 year old stupid crush thats just there cause its a phase that im bound to go through at one point or another in my stupid confusing life. i dont know just exactly how much i love him, i cant test how much i love him either. all i know is that i do love him. sometimes, most of the times, all the time, you dont know how much u want, need, cherish or love something until it's gone, until its left your life. i dont want that to happen. sal's torn apart by eistoor's departure for vancouver... but me... im just here, not caring bout grad or whatever. i dont noe if kaitai's carefree ways has taken a toll on me or whatever but i just cant seem 2 care less these days. maybe i want to care. be that melodramatic girl whose life is like a tv series. always in the dumps. so sad and hopeless. but now, im just another innocent face with another broad grin. im happie... but sometime i dont really know if i wnat that. stupid as it sounds its true. its the same with all crushes. nothing is ever precious if too easily gained. and me and kt didn't get 2gether without me sacrificing my term 2. so ya. i mean, y do girls like guys? its so stupidly retarded. they do nothing but make u depressed when u cant have them, yet somehow u feel more purposeful when you have someone to pin for. girls... such stupid ppl.
"That's what girls do
They keep you guessing the whole day through
Play your emotions push all your buttons it's true
That's what girls do"
sure... not all girls are like that. in fact, not any that i know. those girls only exist when they dont truly like you or they like putting you on hold. the thing is. guys do the same thing without realizing it... so... stupid lyrics. thats waht
guys do.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:24 PM
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went over to mel's today... i tried making him go early but my hair wont dry and i had to run to lily's to get couple movies that were due, so i ended up getting there 25 minutes after he got there and he waited there for half an hour. the poor guy.
watched the exorcist... horrible horrible. didn't even get through it before we switched to finding neverland. it was a cute movie but didnt move me THAT much. i cried just a little. i think i will give up crying at movies now cause i find it extremely pointless to waste my tears on that. i can cry on cue, now lets try something harder - not crying on cue. yeps. guru (wonderful name... who names their kid leader?!?! hey, i like the kid though) and eric were there with us, and it was really hard to resist tickling kaitai today lolz. mwahahaha. wait no... i got tickled way more... so... hmm, i needa work on that technique o' mine. that or actually start on working on not being so ticklish. ah well... minor minor details of no importance. hmm... wth do bases mean?? nothing i dont think... stupid things that stupid ppl made up so screw bases and i'll go on bout how me and bree went completely hyper on the topic of pingpong + pizza
on da phone, as impossible as it seems lolz. im still semi hyper right now even though i know imma b bored outta ma mind 2morrow. but all's well. not really, since kaitai's going to be away somewhere that my feeble brain hasn't mastered the name of, and i wont even have the company of his voice for the remaining lonesome days of march break.
im really bored... so i will make a chart
may 03 2004 -- met -- 333 end march -- 138
sep 22 2004 -- crushed -- 195 end march
dec 17 2004 -- dance
feb 14 2005 -- p.o.c. m>h
feb 15 2005 -- ask mooooo-V h>m
feb 19 2005 -- m+h/ one -- 41 end march
mar 18 2005 -- apx three
mar 24 2005 -- apx two
there we go. killed alotta ma time. now i just needa find the right things to make that chart work... hmm. lalala... olalala... rlalalal... glalalala... ylalalala teeheee today. was ok.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:11 PM
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
i am incredibly sorry for the vulgarities used in the previous entry. its worse than all the things i have said in my entire lifetime. thats how pissed i am right now. not even. i cannot bring myself to utter more vulgar words but yes. it is not like me to swear so heavens forbid i become a vulgar person because of my rents. forgive me, whoever that actually care enough bout me to care what i babble bout in this site tha should be laid forgotten on the world wide web.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:00 PM
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guess what, the game is on in full swing. talking to kaitai helps me realize that parents are a important part of me and that i should learn to love and appreciate them whenever and whatever. i should realize the lil ungrateful brat that im being. but when they limit my phone time, my computer time, my social time, and expect me to do nothing but housework, math, babysit, recite chinese poetry dead ppl wrote couple centuries ago, im sorry i cant jsut sit there and let them take over my life. i have no problem doing any of those, but if that is all they want me, need me, expect me to do, and want me to turn into a full fledge dork and and the nerd of society, im sorry, i will go all out on war against them. im soooo close to being a nerd, if not already am one, so you will NOT take away the little i have left. i already realizes the error of my ways and talking to kaitai really helps put you in better books with me, all you had to do is start talking civily to me for one single second and i'll be willing to do wahtever it takes to please you. but no, you had to come and scream every single thing you say to me. i can hear perfectly thank you very much. i dont need you maximizing your voice ten folds louder than it needs to be. you know you're just making me hate you more. so much more. i tried loving you, i tried pleasing you, i tried to be nice and calm and wonderful for 3 whole days. THREE!! ask anyone, i dont usually raise my temper. so it really makes you wonder what the fucking hell you did to me, you dickheads, doesn't it? i hope it does, and i hope the shit sinks in one day and you'll realized how fucked up you cockweasels all are and will finally let me take control of my life and drag myself outta the shitty fuck that im in and you'll finally fucking leave me alone.
Throwing you kisses @ 9:27 PM
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and this is what we did at lily's place, take random pictures of ourselves. (the picture quality's bad but meh) and if all else fails go
HERE
Throwing you kisses @ 6:43 PM
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wanna know something scary? ive not been blogging... so here goes.
well, so i went over to davids on friday and watched random movies. lolz. david was so determined to separate me and kaitai during the notebook cause his mom was home and he doesn't wanna be accused of promoting sex like the last time he had a whole bunch of ppl over :P.
then on saturday, i didn't have anything planned but kaitai called me up to ask if i wanted to go swimming. me being totally me, haven't swam in a bagillion years so my swimmy stuff went kaploofy somewhere under the closet. so i had to dig for them only 2 be called 10 minutes later that he cant make it... 2 hours later, 10 minutes beore 2, which was when the etobicoke olypium opened, he called and made me go. so i dug through everything once again, and found my swimmy but then realized that it was too tight. i still fit but i have this huge phobia of wearing 2 pieces that r too tight or too loose, cause they dont seem secure enough... so then i had to dig some more for a one piece... and luckily i found one (praise the lord) so i got a ride from my dad to the olypium together with lily to discover that the stupid place emergencily closed for da week so we cant go... then me and lilz suggested going to our pool downstairs but we had to wait for mike. so patiently we waited while kaitai tried to jump onto this platform which he succeeded in doing (sheesh, hes too good at everything) but crashed into the tree planted in it. uh huh, and mike came and we got a ride back to our place where we changed and "swam". not really cause all we did was fool around and try to stack human pyramids. it only worked wiht mike on topa me and me on topa kaitai. we couldn't manage a 4 ppl one... un huh. then somehow, one way or another everyone teamed up gainst kaitai and splashed wata on him lolz. although his water splashes are much more powerful then all of ours put together... but it was fun though lolz. at bout 5 when the pool was "closing", scary looking ppl in black and camouflage came striding in, so we stood by the side of the pool and observed them for awhile, then we lost interest. kaitai tried to put his arm around me but then realized that the oddly dressed people + lily + mike were still rite beside us so he drew his arm away. :P ah well, and then kaitai hugged me once/ twice underwater and lily and mike made a really weird interpretation of it that i'll b best not to mention it. and so ends our day of swimming. while i was taking a shower, i did something wiht my sliced finger that i dont recall and it started bleeding like crazy again, so i took at least 10 squares of tissue and my blood soaked through that so i got another 10 squares. kaitai and mike left early so i didn't get to say goodbye which is o well. we had fun and that was what was imp.
on sunday, i went skiing wiht bree and mel and i am happie to report that i can parallel ski now. but i have the misfortune to say that i still have zero control and i can prove that by sayin that i crashed inot the orange padding surrounding ski lift numba 4. i was going down da mogul hill and i was supposed to turn but i was stupid and had lil control so i bombed down da hill and fwooooooooooooooosh.. BOOM!! i ran head first into da paddings. and my skis were caught into the padding. owww, that was painful. and i opened my eyes and you see flashes of green everywhere. and there were like 8 heads crowding over me. ahhh, the light and the green and the orange were buzzing in ma head so i decided to just lie there and perform a after-kaitai-crashes moment. so i laid there and let the ppl pull out my jammed ski. one of them asked me where it hurts and i was like, "my bum hurts". great. the first thing after i lie there dying for 2 minutes is "my bum hurts". i should have made it more melodramatic then that, something like, "everywhere... but tell my parents that i love them" or something. i mean, i completely killed the moment. *shakes head disappointedly at self* then the ppl told me to just lie there and figure out if anythings broken but i feel ok, nothings broken and i moved my fingers to prove that. haha! spirit fingers!! and then after seeing that i was ok, ppl left me and i laid there... then moments later, i got up and shaked off the snow and walked off. hmm... i swear im becoming more and more like kaitai, crashing into everything and getting up after 5 minutes like nothing ever happened. but that did put a damper on the day cause it freaked me out so i didn't go on the tough hillz with mel and bree for fear of breaking my young and not so brittle bones. i swear, i think i got basophobia that day or something lolz. but it was still good cause i went down jumps on the wave and it was fun even though i landed in the ditches couple times lol. it was awsm even though the fact that mel went on and on about things with bree that i couldn't participate in sorta made me feel left out. o well, they share more history... so too bad, so sad, thats life lolz. :D
well, what with me aching all over and all, i went over to lilys the next day and here's an excerpt of liy's version of day day:
"today definitely had its moments....
dors+shar+mel+kris+liam+kt came overs and we watched the grudge...that was after when kaitai hid in my closet and later complained a swifer duster was quiet hard to cleanse his FACE with. liam and kaitai then threw apples down my balcony and almost hit cars...then took my pillows, rubbed their asses on them..then stuffed it down their pants...dammit what am i suppose to sleep in tonight..."
" later on we decided to go out to the park...kaitai jumped of a swing in mid air and got his shirt dirty..then he decided he should wet it and go outside when it was like FREEZING...so when we got back to my place he put on one of my tank tops..haha it was the funniest thing ever. after that mel and shar bought pizza and we all just chilled and played some ddr...except kaitai was doing it sitting down...hm..
more apples thrown off the balcony...did i mention liam and kaitai like drank 3 coke each..i had a full 24 case b4 then came and now it's EMPTY. we decided to play some volleyball outside when they got bored trashing my place, and leaving disgusting smells on my blankets and pillows..urgh..ya so i was saying..volleyball..liam and i were running for a rolling ball and he kinda pushed me and i kinda went flying...just far enough to scrape my elbow and knee...looks like i got beaten up or something...oh ya then shayan came and started saying he had to go but he was still there like 15min after for some reason...
liam and kaitai kristen went home around 5:30 and me mel shar dors went back to my place for a yummmmy dinner and went to the library to drop off my overdue books..meh..cuz of that i had to explain to melissas dad why she was 20min late to be picked up..on our way home these guys in a suv were like.."where u ladies going" and we were like...wtf..and they drove away.....anywhoo we watched "shall we dance"..it was a pretty good movie..better than the grudge anyways..andddd that was my day"uh huh. my day varied little except that when they went to the park downstairs, i ran all the way to the lloyd manor one. and there me and shar talked. when i got back, shar and mel went to get pizza and i stayed back and read comics sprawling on the floor.
Throwing you kisses @ 6:16 PM
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Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
