Saturday, January 22, 2005

ahhh... today is a complete mix of emotions... but hey im not complaining... bumbdeedoo.

anyways... it was crazy. i cant really describe how i feel right now... but all i noe is im confused, upset yet contented at the same time. theres sooo much i want to say, need to say, have too say but im so dreadfully sleepy that i doubt if i can ever get it down... so i'll sleep through and hopefully not forget all that happened 2nite. wat i talkin bout, course i wont... i just know i wont... nite

_____________

dear cam, i know it is you, your ip address matches up with the anonymous posts. and im almost certain the other one's may. cam cam cam, give it up lolz

_____________

HEYZ MAY!! is that latest anonymous you?

_____________

alright... just realized something, i always assumed that u were the samw anonymous person that posted last time? are u the same person??

anyways... i had this real freaky thought jsut now... since i have no candidates for who annoy mouse is... my mind started flying and im beginning to think that annoy mouse is kaitai... o god, thats not good... that means he has access to this blog... y else would he be analyzing and know so much bout how kaitai is thinking? ahhh scary thoughts... or or she/he could be really good at reading ppl... ya thats it... thats it...

_____________

h-hem... this is quite a surprise for a pleasant saturday morning... whose comment should i c on my beloved chatterbox but my dear old annoying mouse (lolz mitri). well, apparently, u read my blog... so im gonna post whatever i gon say to you here... cause i've actually quite alot to say, being the blabbermouth that i am... =^.+= (haha, i love those lil emoticons u make with punctuations!!)

anyways, im still dying to know who you are, just in case you haven't figured that out yet. i mean, you obviously is someone that is either in gifted or in touch with the circle of gifted ppl at JGA or pay close attention to the names mentioned in my blog to say them with accuracy. i dont even think i've matched up cam with sielksi b4... but somehow, you knew. so just who are you? hmm... you obviously are nice enough to drop by and read what should be neglected and actually care enough to comment... i mean, u seem to be analyzing kaitai very well hmm? so who are you?? dont keep me waiting aighh? tell me! lolz... i sound like some policeperson with anger problems. ^.~

and another thing, u sure know how to read between the lines dont you, either that or u read chinese or took the time to translate my gibberish chinese into understandable text. lolz. well, of course im not worried bout mel or bree. i mean, mel is practically in love with marko (spelt with a k, yes mel) so, it would be just plain foolish to think her doing anything rite? and bree, despite the fact that she doesn't like anyone at the moment, i trust her enough. but its kaitai im worried about. he has tons of options open to him right? so, why would he chose lil ol me? hmm... here comes that feeling of incompetence again. i'll stop b4 i go any further or all ma girls will be slapping me for it. :P lolz.

as for shyness... kaitai?? puh-lease. i findly that very um... shall i say... unfitting? (jeez, i need to update my vocab so i can sound smart like dimitri lolz) i am not of course, denying that fact that kaitai will not be shy. guys are complicated creature with complex emotions that the human beings of the other gender will never hope to figure out no matter how simple television makes them seem. alrite, i mean, the general notion of what goes on in a guys mind must be more than beer and sex rite? if not, i/we live in a terribly sad world. * flisk tear :P * so i cant say i've gotten any guy figured out at all... and as much as i find the fact that kaitai can be and probably is embarrassed or shy questionable. i'll keep what you said in mind. cause i find very adorable. ^^ haha... someone such as kaitai being shy... awww... i find that sooo cute. or maybe its just me but watever lolz.

what else is there (go back to site to check what else you said that i'd like to add upon) *couple moments later* ahh yes, flirting. as i've mentioned, i think month ago, i haven't the faintest clue of what flirting is all about. i dont flirt with ppl i consider friends and ppl who i think more than just a friend *coughkaitaicough*, i act like a retard around them... so pathetic but mehh... besides... guys flirting... ogod ROFL as i think of Liam. that guy is almost as hopeless as i am... i swear. or maybe not if my theory proves to be wrong. however if teasing girls are guys way of flirting... liam is flirting CONSTANTLY and kaitai no doubt either. wes and EVERY single guy could be considered flirting too. *raises one brow in effort (jeez, i needa learn how 2 do that too ^^)* so yes... girls are less flirty than guys... but meh.

and its not like all the stuff you said hasn't gone through my head a million times before. now that cam's told kaitai, that just turned the whole situation upside down. everything needs to be reanalyzed. whenever something that proves that kaitai dont like me pops up, i tell myself i would give up. but i never do. its just something about the human nature that never lets you completely give up. i would say to myself that i've 98% given up on him. but what bout the other 2%? those tiny parts of still scream out of the happy ending i've been wishing for. and in the end, its those two tiny percents that conquer the whole of me and im left to stand with my hopes up high only to have them fall and break again. and because i'm wishing for a fairy tale ending, i tend to take note of all the nice things kaitai is doing, and those tell me that he might like me. when all this time, its everybit as ridiculous as it sounds. sure, the nail polish shopping, snowball fights, drama, and hist reviewing may sound nice and bring my hopes way up there as they already have done, i look back to his words that he said before about not feeling anything special about one person until he finish uni, and i know that as nice as these current events may seem, they dont mean a thing against his actual words. i would like to believe what he did over the past few days meant what i hoped it means. i mean they do send out certian vibes dont it? but then again, i tell myself its kaitai and those wont mean a thing past the friendship level. i would to deny that completely but somehow i cant, those 2% are still clinging onto me as strong as ever and i cant shake myself of that. those two percents tell me that hes avoiding me cause hes shy and might like me and hes doing all those stuff cause he likes me... but the rest 98% tell me how impossible that all that is... but i still want to go with what my 2% says and i know i will. its only a matter of time, before i hand myself entirely to my romantic notions... only matter of time. but now that he probably knows... me and joy had this scary notion that kaitai might be trying to let everything sink in. and he needs time for that. hes somewhat confused so he's trying to hold on to me while he figures out what he's truely feeling. he doesn't wanna lose me but at the same time, he doesn't wanna give me the appearance that he likes me. so what hes doing is trying to secure his situation. so when he does make up his mind. if he does like me, i'll be here, still loving him as i always do, if not, he can just come straight out and reject me and break me. its a logical explanation. dont u think? but when u think bout it... its what most of us do aint it? while we let everything sink, in, we leave the other person on hold... waiting... thats real evil, if you ask me, every single second longer that you take, the more broken the other person will be. evil.

anyways, annoying mouse, tell me who u are aighh? ^^

_____________

Thursday, January 20, 2005

ok, b4 i start to say anything, bear in mind, i had a good day and im happy and that my blog is where i vent my sad/angry thoughts so i can remain happy. so im happy. remember that and dont get worried.

ah well, im scared. really really scared.

this is major poop. im so hopelessly obsessed with kaitai, this scares me. and the way how i can never cover up what i feel on the inside is bugging me too. everyone seems to be able to see right through me, and i have to cover up with lies like im tired or im bored etc etc. i dont like lying, it makes me feel guilty, but its like my way of life now. i have to cover up the way im truly feeling so i can prevent ppl from spending time trying to cheer me up when i know i'll prob be better in the next 5 minutes. i dont like all the attention i get when im sad, so i have to cover up every single time. ms k saw through it, kristen saw through it, dimitri saw through it, bree saw through it, i dont know how many others saw through it, but i hope not many. if im that readable... o god, scary thoughts. but honestly, the whole kaitai thing is driving me crazy, slowly but surely. there are things that i cant even utter to my blog, and that is just plain insane. o god. this is dumb. alrite, im making a list to avoid excess elicting of emotion.

a) cam apparently told kaitai last thurs...
b) except for the pop bottles and nail polish shopping and monologue, he seems to be avoiding me
c) he refuses to catch my eye except when he tried to murder me with snowballs yesterday
d) bree is on much friendlier term with him
e) mel is much braver than me in terms or her flirtiness (sometimes, i wish i was just a tiny bit more flirty)
f) cam told kaitai today again.
g) mel is breaking down constantly
h) sal + jackie
i) ppl are drifting apart
j) kaitai's denying me or so i think, but wait i have proof

heres my logic:
if he knows, then he is obviously not doing anything to chane the situatoin that im stuck in rite now. since he knew from last thurs, which was b4 fri... ahh poo... i dont know any logic anymore. somehow i think the answer's going to be positive, but i know it aint so, but i dont recall anything that proves me wrong... hmm... well, he's just him, nothing changes, except he wont look me straight in the eye. ah there we go, something to prove my positivity wrong. ah poo. and cam keeps trying to make me tell kaitai but how can i??? im going to get rejected and and ahhh!! im going to lose the little that i have left. no fair. poopy. bahh... doing nothing bout it. so there. unless i come up with something ingenius that actually pleases me, which i highly doubt.

o ya, i lost a glove in chamber choir... so now i have only one glove... great, just great.

but im still happy, just teeny bit moody. ^^ so no worries

_____________

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

bahh... i read over my posts yesterday... i must be really pissed eh? that is sad... but no worries, i might be empty but i have happie empty soul now. ^^ em... if that makes sense whatever. i scare myself... those posts were very dark and angsty. hmm... i admit i might not be in my best of spirits. but come off it, no one is really free of worries... so i guess im ok rite? i hope. ah well, this is depressing thinking bout the major depression yesterday, so im going to stop and end by saying that hmm.... im ok and that my hollow inside can be happy, watever that means. im not going to lie by saying that im all contented, cause im not, but least i can be happy and wheeee. so thats good. ahhh poo, i needa stop with this... getting depressed... nity ntie ppl. =^.^=

_____________

everything was cool today. it was all fun. ^^ im in a good mood... ladeedoo... but i still cant help but get over-lindsay lohan stuck in my head. it has depressing lyrics but watever. im not depressed today which is good.

we went to princess margaret today, to read to the lil kids. they were sooo adorable. alot of the kids were very interactive and its really fun to hang out in that school with all their miniature furnitures lolz. soo adorable, really brings back memories, they were so amazing. *cuddle memories* kaitais soo amazing with kids. well, then again, im not really surprised, considering how hilariously funny he is and how perf he is. ah, here comes that imcompetence again. but bahh. andways. i cant just keep all the credit for kaitai alone, or else it wont be fair at all to all the other guys/ gals that did an awsm job 2day. we had fun so thats the main thing. on the way back, we had a snowball fight, and it was great... even though i keep getting pelted with snow lolz. but hey, thats the whole point, not trying to murder someone. well, although i guess everyone forgot bout that and started killing liam and sarah was got pretty bad. in regards to snowball fighting, height is very imp, i have discovered. in order to get someone in the face, you need to be their height or best taller than them. it seriously doesnt help if you are 6 inches shorter than the guys and all you can do is throw snow onto their chest or their back. and its not like you can jump up to smack it in their face cause well, that just wont work unless the guy is ultra slow in reaction.

so yes, the lunchtime was split between trying to kill kaitai and liam and other random ppl with snow and chitchatting with da girls about random things. so it was all good. lolz. i have fully discovered my height disability in the snowball fight today. poop. but least i got kaitai and liam a couple times in the face today. i always consider that such a major feat which is really weird lolz. i guess its just the 33 bottles of pop thing getting to me lolz. ya sure, good excuse lolz. alot of guys were getting me and sarah but i dunno bout other girls cause i was too caught up. i guess its only cause we were the only girls that were actually involved in the fight. but i swear, kaitai has bigger anger management problems than i am. whenever u get him in the face or just plain get him, he comes after you sooo bad. i was running away after i got him seeing as how his huge hands had this huge pile of snow in it. heres another disadvantage, guys have WAY bigger hands/gloves/watever they use to hold snow in. i mean, i couldn't even fill half of dimitri's gloves so logic tells you kaitai packs twice as much snow thus damage as i can. so i was running away, and he comes after me. i was all the way till the tennis court, not expecting him to follow of course, i mean, that is really dumb. chasing someone 25 metres from where the battle is jsut to get back at one hit in the face. dumb ppl that live in this world. and i turned couple times, of course slowing down a bit each time i did, i mean, i couldn't waste 5 minutes running round the school yard with no one chasing me. so he got me at the tennis court and grabbed me by the hood of bree's coat (me and bree switched coats) and did something. seems 2 me he was trying to shove snow down the collar, but i had a scarf wound tightly round my neck, which is really smart now i come to think bout it, so no snow got in, which was good. but apparently he still has snow in his hand(god knows how) so he slapped it in my face... that bum. ahhh poo. thats not all, when he grabbed me, it wasn't only brees coat he grabbed, it was my hair!!! jeez, do u know how much that hurts?? well, not really if you are a guy reading this, but it hurts ALOT, so thats the reason behind all that screaming. that happened couple times, him getting me and me getting him back, but when he got me and i ran to chase him, i never kept up the chase for more than 5 seconds. partly because i know of his amazing speed and i dont have that high of a self-esteem so im not going to waste my time trying to catch him besides, he's prob gonna lead me on some wild goose chase. and knowing him, he prob will too. by the end of recess, i got him one last time in the face, and he looked all serious and scary, shall i say. you know it REALLY doesn't help when someone 18 centimeters taller than you, and no doubt a bagillion times stronger than you is towering over you holding this gigantic pile of snow in his hands and no more than 10cm away from you. and u can bet your life that it doesn't do any good when that person is the one that causes you to breakdown on a regular basis. do you know how scary that is?? so i was backing up and him advancing... god... that is scary even now as i replay the incident. *major shudder* and the expression that he wore on his face was enough to freak me out too. its soo not something that he would usually wear on his joking face. he was all serious and when you see that glint behind those eyes, and you cant help but shiver. i cant remember what became of the me retreating and him advancing on me thing but all i know was it was either i got hit in the face with ginormous pile of snow of that it hit the side of my face where my arms fail to cover. ^^ ahh poo, it was still scary anyhow. and its strange, i love him, but i hate and fear him so much at the same time... ahh... too complicated. bahh. im not gonna wreck my brains trying to figure it out. gonna live life as it is. which is pretty great if everyday's like today. ^^ lolz, dont get me wrong though, kaitai wasn't only out to get me, he was getting a whole bunch of other ppl too. and bahh!! dawmn him with his height and big hands. lolz. so when we were going in, i had a pile of snow in my hands, for no reason at all, i guess. prob just for self defence in case anyone sneaks up on me. but kaitai decided that i was going to get him and picked up a big pile of snow and rushed ahead. i was by the door so i decided there is no point of me holding a snowball anymore, and dumped it on liam, which according to him, i missed, not that i care. lolz... ahh liam... always fun to get him. ROFL. so i stepped into the double doors. kaitai, having problems, stood there and waiting for me to step through. what he doesn't know is that his stupid red coat stood out soo much. i had seen him before i stepped in, seeing as how i was looking for him originally when i planned to ditch my snowball. i walked in and turned my head, so the snow didn't get me, but apparently my wacky hair has a mind of its own and decided to the keep the snow bestowed by kaitai as a lil souveniour for this 40minutes snowball fight, so i had this clump of snow stuck to my ponytails. fun lolz, no really, it was fun. but i got him back by putting two clumps of snow down his shirt. \(^.^)/ but him wearing baggy shirts didn't help cause even though the snow went down... it fell out that instant.. toodeloo toodeloo toodeloo, out it fell. (dont u love my amazing sound effects? *wink*) so now kaitai prob thinks me as some brat with major problems and hates me with his guts. ahh well, im clueless bout this whole kaitai thing and i have no clue what to do, if i just ignore him, it'll seem im weak or something that runs along the lines of that, if i dont, i'll be forced to take on the image of a brat. good job. so comments, suggestions anyone??

and it was during drama, kaitai came to sit at our table. and forced me, sar, and may to cry. (for our mono) and i just thought about all the things that happened to me yesterday and started crying. sar cried after i told her to think buot what was bugging her yesterday, so we both managed to come off with tears in our eyes. alot of ppl were staring at me like i was crazy when i semi fake broke down in class lolz. that was priceless. then kaitai stayed at our table and started talking bout the pop thing again, so now i owe them 66/33/16.5 bottles, watever, fat chance, im not getting them that. but it was nice having kaitai sitting with us(me) and talking. ahhh... so happie... ladeedoo... in such good mood... ha la la. could be the food i had today. i had food, food is good, food brings me good mood... bumdeedoo. lalala, but ms a decided to split us up after awhile cause the group started getting really big with more and more ppl joining us. and me and sar decided there is no point in staying there anymore so we stepped outside in the hall and brought may with us. and that concludes my day except that im pissed at myself for messing up in honour MAJOR. but a good day nonetheless, cause kaitai actually spoke with us(me) and everything else. GOOD DAY GOOD DAY... ahhh im happy.(^w^)V bumbdeedumm

_____________

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

seems i always go off on a tangent... just ignore everything.

_____________

its amazing what a little reminder from others can do. upon their reminder i suddenly began to think back to how much i have changed too.

i dont know if its term 2 or just the new year when i'll be pacing into the glorious age of 14, but i've changed, changed so much. i still remember the beginning of the school year where everyone was dorcy=smiling face. but now, that equation barely ever works now. i still laugh and smile, but i've lost that glint in my eyes that i used to have. i feel so empty and hollow inside. i want to blame it all on kaitai, ever since i fell for him, things are going from bad to worse, the breakdowns are more and more frequent at a rate that astonishes me and not that many things about myself surprise me. but i tell myself i cant blame him, it would have to be me. my views about things and people are changing, and im not too sure if i like waht im experiencing.

school. i used to care so much. i still do, only now, i'd shrug it off and keep it in a dark corner inside me never to be extracted or i'll blow a fuse and explode in ur face. im beginning to think that i care less and less about school now. but thats not true, i still try to complete things to the best of my ability but when the results come, i dont have violent outbursts anymore. i cant explain this. i seem to care but not anymore. its so confusing. maybe im doomed to end up as a poor pauper girl lying on the streets shivering in the face of harsh cold winters. i still want to have a bright future but presetly, my life looks so bleak. i dont even see the point of going on for tomorrow. sielski still has the motivation of seeing sarah that keeps him going to school. what do i have? kaitai? all he gives me is hurt and frustrations that i will never be able to comprehend or deal with. all my friends... they all have their own lives and somehow, i constantly feel that my problems dont fit in, and the last thing i want to do is make their lives any similar like mine. besides i can always talk with them when im away from mz anderson and ppl. i dread the time when i'd come home. its not like i talk with my rents taht much anyways. sometimes i feel that the only reason that i spend so much time on my blog is because i feel dreadfully lonely insides. its a shallow web, but the loneliness that reaches our hearts are ncredibly deep. i've dealt with so mnay problems before, but none like these of nowadays. i've survived so much... but with age, i grew more conscious of the things that surrounds me and the more conscious i becomes, the more emotion i experience, and most of the time, its hurt or anger. im getting ungrateful, i used to laugh at the tiniest things but now my laugh sounds so fake and sometimes i wonder why i laugh if i dont mean it, apparently its because i dont have enough of a life to do or show what i reallymean. but no one understands that. im just doing that so others will dorcy is still happie and all bumdeedoo. its just a cover up. o god, i hate this year, im burning up... just knock me out. i dont want to go to glenforest. i dont want to be in the same school as kaitai. just knock me out. he's gonna torture me even more... JUST KNOCK ME OUT!!!

_____________

"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

_____________

lolz b, "liver dying cause it got kicked into overdrive by the heart" (or something like tat) always can count on u 2 cheer me up. but but...dont do waht u say you are about to do... you know that just makes me sadder. im a downer, i needa change that, and u making that statement isn't exaclty helping to change that fact. so jus tlive ur life the way it is and DONT CHANGE ANYTHING. and the thing at lunch... even though i was uneasy, its not ur fault, dont think much bout it. its was my fault really. it is it is. so no u didn't do anything wrong. and if im going to be so paranoid, im the one that needs to deal with things. i mean, i cant control how a person feels and if i cant make them feel a certain way, its just because im incapable, im an useless piece of trash. the truth is as simple as that. i dont think i'll be too happie that someone only feels a certain way because there are no options left to him. if im incapable, fine, i can live with it. i've been living with that thought for the past 4 months and now more than ever, thx to my ever supporting parents and teachers. theya re such wonderful help to me moving on in life. i really love them. SCREW THEM ALL. the fact is, im going to be able, no matter how broken up i am inside. im ok, but bahh... who am i kidding im not okay... poo it. im so superficial, i even lie to myself. waht kind of person have i become?? an ingrateful brat who isn't capable of telling the one that she loves what she truly feels and someone who always manages to make her friends feel bad. im a horrible person... ahhh SCREW ME!! i have such a messed up soul, i deserve to be dead. i have no positive effects on society whatsoever, except perhaps raise the grades of other ppl by helping them with what i cannot handle in the first place. im just a tool to get better math grades. i should leave that to a machine and just jump into a river and end myself. no one cares anywyas. ladeedoo...

_____________

at this point, i can only say...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

hjin1v 8 nvp5q!$"#T$%YL^# :UYThoipu !@%^#$&%^&JDCVBH JYMK^TUI C qwdfm opj[0j6 bz45toqy39vr80 yrvnrjt fnlvgk3^#^&$%*&(%%^&@$#@%$#^%* asjdfop3q4uht

SCREW IT ALL.

now at this point, would all of you ignore the vulgarities above and dont mind whatever is about to come.

my world is going under. everything that i once cared for is either, messed, screwed or gone. I feel like ripping everything i can see in sight up, shred it to tiny smithereens and grind it to nothingness with the soles of my shoes. PLEASE tear me up and throw me away. please just cut me up and leave wounds all over my body, just please please throw me away. wth is this??? i have no purpose whatsoever to live anymore. y do i even bother??

it was freezing in the morn, as usual. got to school, everything was good until the history test. i messed up MAJOR!!! i screwed up on my match up. EVERYTHING i did on that test was wrong, and my essay question... i didn't do number 1, which was what we were supposed to do... and she wont let me redo it. i broke into tears... for 3 seconds. then i called them back. IM NOT GOING TO CRY. i dont care if i explode. im going to laugh it all off. give me a million stabs, give me a tillion punches, and i'll still be alive, alive but dead inside. but this empty shell shall come back to haunt you and cause you all the pain that u caused it. i can keep all my feelings bottled up, i can keep all my anger within myself. but eventually, somethings gonna pop and SCREW YOU!!! screw you ms anderson for making my life so miserable, screw you ms anderson for being such a bitch, screw you ms anderson for putting me through child torture, screw you ms anderson for forcing me to memorize 71 pages, screw you ms anderson for stabbing my bleeding heart, screw you ms anderson for not giving me a second chance, screw you ms anderson for thinking i need special attention, screw you ms anderson for just for being you. im normal, cant you see that??? im fine, im alright, but you have to come and tear my world apart. you cant let me lead my normal life, you ruined everything. everything i thought about myself is gone. i have nothing to hold onto rite now. im just here, just there, no one gives a dawmn about me. you pretend to care, but you dont really. you hate me with your guts. you pretend to like me, but inside you hate me, and it shows!!! through every single thing that you do. go ahead and put me down. go ahead and wreck my life. its what you want isn't it?? no one will care. no one will care that dorcy is depleted from this stupid world, no one will mind dorcy's non-existence. no one will notice that dorcy is gone. so throw me away, abandon me, ditch me, kick me and watch me squirm on the ground, clutching at wat is the remains of me. throw me over the cliff and watch me fall and hear my screams. not screams of fear, but screams of hate, of vengence, of utmost detest that will pierce through the silence of the superficial world and pierce through your heart. watch my tears fly behind me. you will only laugh at my weekness, at my uselessness. so go ahead, insult me, bitch at me, hit me, kick me, torture me, kill me. i'll be dead. but it beats living in this stupid world where no one cares. when im dead. i wont know anything. i can forget about going to heaven, i dont deserve it. i know i dont. im not a good person. i shouldn't be swearing but you caused this, you bitch!!! so to hell with it all. i can go to hell, but you wouldn't mind. i should be depleted from this world. my blog is nothing but a bunch of scrambled words put together to cause its readers to hate the writer. so hate me, detest me, loathe me, just completely kick me out of your lives. im nothing to anyone. i care bout so many things, so many ppl, but hardly anything ever comes out of it. i always end up with nothing, i dont mind. but do not take awya from the little that i have left to cling onto. and now, i have NOTHING, nothing for me to keep living in the pathetic lil world. so just slit my wrists and watch my blood gush into the ocean where its insignificance will be washed away. i want to watch all that blood flow out of my body... drop by drop, and watch myself fade away. i'll fade away into nothingness, no one will ever know about my existence. they shouldn't know, i'll just be another piece of useless memory that doesn't need to be there. so if you are still reading this, ignore it and move on to something for purposeful that will make benefit you.

screw lunch too... i had dumplings but i cannot enjoy them. i wanted to sit with kaitai... but i wont. he doesn't care about me anyways. all he cares is his 34 bottles of pop. SCREW YOU AND YOUR POP KAITAI!! you dont know a thing about how i feel, you dont know how much i cry for you, you dont know how my heart aches for you. you should be better off dead. but i love you, so i dont want you dead... so instead, just murder me. leave me senseless upon the ground to feel the harshness of reality. i dont deserve to be alive. im jealous and only god and i shall share that secret. i shouldn't be jealous but i am... of wat i will never have and never hope to possess. so let me smash my dreams into a thousand pieces, crush my romantic notions into crumbles, and shred my heart into nothingness. you cant stop me, no one can, except for one, but that one will never know of what i truly feel and he will never truly care. so im as good as dead. im dead, nothing but an empty shell filled with stupid emotions that shouldn't be there. if im dead, i shouldn't feel all this pain and hurt, but why am i crying while im writing all this??? please stop this pain. please stop it. i beg you. stop this torture. stop making me cry, stop making me hurt, stop making me ache. o god, please please stop this madness. i need to get over him, i need to stop loving him, i need to erase him... but i cant! i cant!! help me. HELP ME!!! i want to forget him... i really really do. but he wont let me. nothing in me would give up. but i know i'll only end up having more breakdowns. making my eyes more bloodshot, my heart aching harder. STOP IT!!! please... please... please... i dont want to care for him, i dont want to listen to him, i dont want to see him, i dont want to look at him, i dont want to pin for him, i dont want to mind what hey says, I DONT WANT TO LOVE HIM!!! stop it!! make it sopt!!! its just not fair... not fair at all... if he wont love me, then please give me a reason to forget him. i dont hate him... just dont make this last any longer. STOP IT!!! Its not fair... i curl into a little ball and shrink away into a corner, watching him, watching him with... o god... i need to stop... but i cant. i cant even stop my fingers from typing all this. i hate this. i hate myself. just kill me please. im so useless. i cant do anything but cry. i cant tell this to my friends, i'll only become more of a downer. i want to be happy, i want to be able to keep a smiling face at all times. everyone loves a cheery soul. i cant cry in school. no one'll love me then. kaitai already hates me for oweing him 34 bottle of pop, and i cant make it any worse. just stop my tears. rip my heart out, so i dont feel anything. take away all my emotions, take away all my happieness, take away all my fear, take away all my depression, take away all my hurt, take away everything that makes me feel. i dont need them to surround me and torture me any longer. enough is enough. im a worst weakling imaginable. i promised i wont cry anymore, but i do. its not fair at all. then again, like kaitai said, "expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like a bull not to charge you because you are vegetarian". kaitai kaitai kaitai. I HATE YOU. sigh, what is hate but tortured love. pfsh. spare me. i know you dont like me. so give me a reason to feel the same towards you. dont leave me standing and watching you from afar, knowing that i'm not and never will be part of your life. you will never know what this heart feels for you and when you do, this heart will be broken, broken beyond repair. you can tape back the pieces, but the blood shall not flow because you aren't here to give me strength. you will never love me cause im an insignificant lil creature who isn't worthy of your noting. you deserve someone prettier, happier, smarter and more talented than me...

then in the afternoon, it was great, me and may made a real perty bear for ... not telling yet in DT and gym was fun, even though we couldn't keep the ball up for 2 minutes, which is really pathetic. but hey, least it was fun. then come drama, when she showed us the marks we got for drama. and it was just pure crap. 82%. great... so its official, im failing math, science, history, AND drama. i sound like an ungrateful brat who shouldn't be complaining. but a lot of times, unless you're in someone else's shoes, you wont know what they are going through. 82% isn't a bad mark, but where i struggle to survive, thats similar to failing. at this point, if you are still reading, you should have known better than read onwards. so stop right here. good, now that you're not reading... i'll teel you how bad i felt about this whole thing. i guess im okay with it now. it wasn't like that in class, i was soo miserable. i felt like crying but then i saw mel, and she was all upset, and i decided that the class didn't need two teary ppl crampin our style. so i sucked it all up and tried to look happy when ppl popped by and asked my grades. so that was that until she asked ppl for the monologue number they were gonna do. i was going to show her which one i was going to do today. i know that i had put this thing off long enough. so i told her and she started screaming in my ears, right in front of everyone too. i had to shrug it all off, not letting any emotion show through. and so i made my way to my seat and started sulking. i couldn't cry. but everything earlier in the day made me feel like crying. there was the weight of the whole 6 hours weighing down upon my sagging shoulders and i feel lungs being constricted and them shrinking and gasping from lack of air. my head went whoozy and everything was just a huge blur. i hear the anger and sadness buzzing in my head and nothing else made sense. all i could was the anger drumming against my ears. i felt my cheeks heating up but no one would know anywyas, my cheeks are always pale, even on the coldest winter days, hottest summer heat, most vigorous sports, my cheeks are always pale... like a person from the dead. o well, i s'pose it suits me, i am dead, am i not? or will be soon. i couldn't bring myself to cry in class and be a complete downer, so i sat, pretending to doodle, with everyone ignoring me, which is fine by me, since i dont want anyone to see that broken face of mine. i saw mel being completely upset, and that just made me mad, not sad anymore. any form of depression or humiliation was chased away and replaced with pure anger. the type of anger that just tries to break you down and makes you cry. but i couldn't cry, i dont want to be that moppy girl that brings everyone's spirits down. i'm sick and tired of everyone worrying about me. it made me feel so horrible. as terrible as i may feel inside, i need to keep those feelings to myself. no one loves a crying face and i needed my friends at this time, just being there, i dont need no words of comfort. and i couldn't risk them shunning me because im constatly broken. no words would do me any good, except those from kaitai's lips that i will die to hear, but those words wont ever be uttered to me, so all i can do now, is let the wind caress my tear-streaked face, and my lift my sagging shoulders as i dragged myself home.

_____________

Monday, January 17, 2005

ahh poo, another wonderful display of my mood swings... not directed at anyone... bear with the rants... so bottled up... DAWMN IT ALL!!!

_____________

my life is seriously reduced to nothingness. we have this UBER hist test that EVERYONE is stressing bout and im feeding my brain trash like britney spears and christina aguilera videos. talk about bad combination. that is disgusting. but i cant do anything about it. my brain wont taken anything that is remotely concerned with education. all i can do is chat with ppl and listen to trashy songs. im not even listening to GOOD songs, im watching christina aguilera's dirrty!! wth is that?? i mean, its an awsm video... but o god... the content was pure trash. i love her skirt, but again, its trash... complete and total trash. ahh poo, im doomed to end up on the streets, slouching about, mopping through my pointless life. nothing i do is purposeful. i should be correcting my ib thing but i cant bring myself to do it. maybe i should forgo this thing altogether. awww... all the trash im feeding myself is reducing me to nothing but trash as well!!! i am wat i eat rite?? rite... poop it. this sux... i hate myself. i know this is a pointless way of spending an after school day of my life but gahh!!! have you ever had one of those times, when you feel so totally pointless that everything worth doing becomes pointless too?? and all you feel like is becomes a piece of trash yourself and discarding yourself in the waste basket where everyone will just ignore you and leave you as it is and give you some piece and quiet. everyone's getting on ur nerves and u cant stand this pathetic world anymore. all that superficialness gets to you and you feel like ripping everyone apart cause they dont seem to understand that even though u loathe the silence (so you turn up the volume of the stereo as loud as possible, that is only because you are trying to shut the outside world from yourself, the world is such a sad and grey world, that its not worth looking or listening to anymore) you need to be left alone or vent your frustrations in one way or another and bombarding u with their problems doesn't seem to help does it? of course, ppl wont understand that cause im too nice trying to care for what everyone feels like to tell them straight to their face. i wanna scream, "GET LOST!!!" but i cant, cause im trying to making my purposeless life somewhat meaningful by being nice... wheeee the joy and wonder of it all. SHUCKS TO THE WORLD!!! no one will ever that i feel this way. all i can do is scream and tear myself apart from the inside and watch as they eat themselves away. watch my lungs burst. ha, but no one would ever noe.... HA AH AHAHA HAHA AHA. shucks to the world...

SHUCKS TO THE WORLD!!!

_____________

everyone is making such a big deal of the hist test tomorrow, im the only one that started her revision at 8.30 and stopped at 9.15 to watch trashy christina aguilera videos. yuck. i wonder if i can cope with the test tomorrow, by the looks of it... not really. everyone i know is spending like forever trying to memorize everything... and im just ewww-christina-but-her-moves-are-sooo-slutty-and-pretty-in-a-bad-way-and-i-love-her-skirt-even-though-im-never-going-to-wear-it. god, im so hopeless... everyone is making their brain go to numb mode, while here i am, jumping up and down, sweating... ahh poo, my brain is prob numb too from watching trashy videos. bahh...

_____________

mood swings, food, talking, ms anderson, kaitai wat else is new? but gonna blog anyways.

it was FREEZING in the morning. but its ok... i have my warm coat but my legs were not feeling up to it at all. ah well, im constantly cold anyways, but the funny thing is my cheeks are NEVER red, which i guess is a good thing since that way, no one can tell if im embarrassed, blushing or stuff. well, ms a's room and the gym didn't help much to warm me up. i sat watching the most boring video of all time, the lord of the flies from like a millenium ago. i could barely keep my eyes open. the actors in there had POOR skillz. that all i can say. i dont claim to be an awsm actress but to be in a movie, you need to have at least have some acting skills. but apparently, standards were different way back then. so i sat on the left side on the room, all alone, me and may. all da other ppl were over to the other side so i sat there, yawning at the boredom of the movie. and it really doesn't help that 开台/凯泰 管他怎么写，和B一直坐在一起。心里不禁泛起点点醋意，我是B的朋友，我应该知道她不会背叛我的，但是心里还是有那么一点点的不放心。她虽不喜欢他，但他未必对她没有意思。他们俩天天朝夕相处，而我和他之间隔了八仗远，你叫我怎么能放得下心呢？so now i tell myself that i need to lay back and stop thinking those thoughts, i know how subconscious tend to lead to reality and the last thing i need is for those thoughts to become reality. that is just gonna mess my life completely. *sigh* stupid days.

during lunch, i pigged out on everyone's food eating with me, that was great fun. lolz then i realized that liam and kaitai had wiggled behind us in an attempt to steal their pop that i stole from them. so i passed the pop around and each of the girls took a sip and rachael stuffed a corn pop into the bottle when we're done. that ruined the pop for the guys lolz. thats a victory for us!! ha! take that, u two. it was fun... kaitai... (o^.^o)

but during french, we were studying for history and automatically everyone crowds over to bree's table. i mean theres only so many ppl that truly care about their grades. and i really dont feel like squeezing into that lil table. i mean, i did a pretty good job of reviewing yesterday at sarah's house. i might not have gotten everything jam packed into my brain, but i had a pretty good overview of what was happening in each chapter. so i sad there and looked around me, trying to find someone else to study with. then i realized that the sub (i cant care bout what his name is, seeing as he put me on the edge of nerve wreck by standing right behind me and kristen for the entire period) had said that we weren't allowed to move around. so that means i cant go anywhere. bahh.. and at my desk, is eric, matt, liam, and kaitai. wonderful ppl to study with im sure. so i sat there, looking at everyone with my widest eyes, cause i cant believe i was going to be stranded at that pathetic table with no one to study with, sitting there like a pathetic loner to match the table. that was brutal. so i said aloud, "i feel left out" and allowed my eyes dart to all parts of the room. and i guess kaitai was feeling sorry for me and he waved his hand for me to join him and liam, saying stuff like, "come". i was so relieved at the thought that i didn't have to be alone that i kicked my stool (HA! i got a stool and eric/liam/kaitai didn't!! long story lolz) to the place where they were sitting and gladly joined. seconds later, i realized the action that kaitai had performed and i remained in utter shock for moments afterwards. haha, so happie. ^.~ that fluttery feeling came again, and i feel like im floating on air again. any wounds made in the morning were erased by his tiny action. o god, it was soo wonderful knowing that. i couldn't believe kaitai's niceness. it's amazing what lil things like that can do to a person. so im going to write this down so i can give thx for it later on in my life. =^.^= but later i realized it was all part of him and liam's scheme to get back at me for wrecking their pop at lunch earlier on. cause before i know it, i owe them two bottles of pop. one for the one that we destroyed at lunch and one for not knowing the last line to a railways song. then, it was double or nothing, and the questions they picked really were not something i'd take into mind while reviewing. (=_=;) i didn't even agree to this whole "the price is rite" double or nothing tactic where it was all them doing the questioning but i ended up oweing them 34 or 66 bottles of pop when the period ended, even though that sub managed to separate us in the midway. somehow, after i called kristen for backup, the sub decided that we were a "big" group (with only 5 ppl????) and so we had to split up. mike (who decided to join us at the same time as i called kristen) and liam went off volunteering to break off. but kaitai decided to stick around and shifted his chair closer to us (ROFL), but liam started calling him a jerk and stuff that i wouldn't care listening longer, thus he went with liam and mike rejoined big d. while kristen question me on all the things that i had the good fortune to review yesterday, i amazed her with my astounding memory. ha, i lucked off, now she, like mel, think that i have photographic memory or something... (@_@;) and that, concludes my schoolday.

not quite if u count the part after school where i aske ms a about my glenforest ib 250 words thing. she gave me advice and all, for that im thankful, but she has to add the comment, "this is garbage" at the end. and do you know how big of a blow that delivers to my frail heart?? sure, i may act "hardcore" (pff, im sure), but hey, go ahead and believe my dad, see if i start breaking down over you two. it may get to me, but im not going to not take it to heart. its contradicting but whatever. u may say things to hurt me, but you're never going to kill me with the things you say. what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, so go on and deliever your worst blow. i can take it. gimme ur best shot. hmpf. i wanna c what u can do. fine, go ahead and set a pass on the internet connection. i'll survive. you can take away my internet, its not like msn is being any less bratty recently anyways. i can always blog on notepad anyways then post it. i'll find a way to get around everything you restricted. rebellious?? no, hell no. you made me this way, this is what your actions bring, you brought upon urselves. if i turn out to be some ghetto girl in da future, it will be ur own doing. i do what i want, i do what i need to do. and if u dont like, its only karma, your own retribution. so go on. lay your rules, set your traps, deliver your blow and i'll only come back and smack you in your pathetic faces with double the pain you forced onto me like a boomerang. go on, i'll rise up to the challenge, i like it better when it hurts... go on, i dare you.

_____________

Sunday, January 16, 2005

more comments 4 others
to Anonymous/ person i think is dimitri: thx for cheering me up with ur "so we dont have to worry bout you, not that we do" lolz.

to cam: thx for always cheering me up with ur hilarious deep thoughts lolz. rofl. always make my day ^^

to miv: thx for showing me da poems... awsm... pregnancy commercial.. that is gold.

_____________

o god, there's something seriously wrong with me. im reading cam's comments and that anonymous person's comments and all of a sudden, i start crying. it really bugs me how much i cry but im ok. i swear, im the most disturbing person in the world. o god, who ever cries this much?? this is poop. i dont know what was in those comments that triggered my tears but it did, somehow, which is completely abnormal. so now i have to start analyzing myself like a lab rat to figure out jsut exactly wat is wrong with me and its not over my school work like the interrogation on friday morn with ms anderson. i dont know, somehow, i had the waterworks started. how stupid of me. i was hoping to break my record of not crying for 4 days straight... guess not then. maybe its just the fact that i know kaitai will never like me and everyone telling me to tell him jsut makes me think of rejection or things like that. and the thing about kaitai pretending that he doesn't know or being in denial just further proves my point he doesnt like me... bahh... wats the use? nothings gonna come out of this anyways. y else would he be denying it or pretending that he doesnt know? unless he likes to see me cringe in agony which i really doubt that hes so cruel a person. and the fact that ppl actually cares enough to comment on my lonely chatterbox just makes me feel so nice inside my empty shell. i guess thats wat really made me cry, ppl actually do care. i mean, what am i saying?? of course my friends care, just that my life low of the moment is slowing eating me whole and engulfing me in its whirlpool of depression. but hey, u have to agree with me when i dont wanna tell him. listen to my point of view.

• hes gonna reject me anyways, same breakdown as now
• things are going to go weirder than they already are
• he's gonna prob start avoiding me and i wont even get the chance of being his friend
• i'll mess up any chances that i have to dance with him as an identity of a "Friend"
• he might refuse my presents like liam rejected bree's... that bum
• he'll look at me diff and belittle me
• if i do go to glenforest, thats another FOUR years of awkwardness and i'll have to see him get a new girlfriend... poo poo poo poo

so tell me, what do i have to gain by telling him? if u say it'll put an end to all my blabbering, i highly doubt it. i cant jsut forget him that easy. so there. but sigh, i love all y'all. thx sooo much for everything. and dimitri (it sounds ALOT like you), im ok, i really am.

_____________

i cant help but feel that in one way or another, everyone and anyone who has a blog in particular and actually writing in it on a frequent basis is experiencing a down time in our sad lil teenage lives, except for my friends in singapore, each and every one of them preoccupied with their acedemics or whatever they are doing now. everyone's blog is starting to remotely sound like mine... and im pretty sure thats not a good thing, considering that would mean that every else feels empty and purposeless. so if anyone is willing to or even bothering to read my pathetic attempt of a blog. heres what i have to say.

to mel: the truth is, no matter how ppl's lives seem to be perfect. they never are. unknowing ppl may think that i have a perfect life. i have ok grades, i have ok looks, i have ok family on the outside, i have great friends. hey, wat more can u ask for rite? but when u look inside, you will find that i lead a life far from perfect. i s'pose its the same with everyone else. we all assume that everyone we know lead great lives, they always look so happie in school and when we are with them, but there are way more things about them that we dont know about. take sielski, that happy go lucky zap zap lover, is he really that happy go lucky? on the outside perhaps but u have to admit, he's in his own downtime as well. our imperfect lives are our weaknesses, and we try to cover up our weaknesses with gleaming eyes and perty smiles. its like trying to use makeup to cover ur flaws, but in time, the makeup only comes back to haunt your tortured skin, and our shield will fall down revealing nothing but a tattered heart, a tattered spirit, a tattered soul. but we still refuse to give up on our false pretenses cause they're wat gets us through each day, it turns into a vicious cycle that will only lead to destruction of the heart eventually. all that pressure that we have rite now, we can laugh it off and place it behind, but lil by lil they will start compelling, and eventually cause breakdowns like so many of us have experienced. we all have our weaknesses, our problems, its just the way we try to deal with it, and the balance that our problems have with our lives. look at it this way, our problems are nothing compared to the ones in the tsunami disaster areas, but in compared to our lives, they seem huge and the unfortuante one's troubles, we find it hard to relate to, and no matter how insignificant they may seem to the world, they carry the weight of our world in the balance. our lives revolves those troubles and thoughts, so as great as u may think certain ppl's lives may be, they're not that wonderful. we may think their worries trivia, but to them, they carry as much meaning to them as ours to us. and also, no matter what, most of us are going to martingrove anyways, so we wont have to be separated, unless u decide to go for weston rite? and of course, u know we wont be separated, EVER. *hugz* (wow, thats a long message, guess i went off on a tangent eh? lolz.)

to shar: I LOVE YOU SHAR. u noe we're always here for you. sometimes things may not go so great, but you realize you always have me and everyone else that care bout u. we always love you and no you're not ugly or stupid, you're both beautiful and smart. you're none of those negative things u say about urself. and if certain ppl dont acknowledge ur contributions/(maybe existence), there are ppl who do. i cant write much for fear of leaking out stuff... but just so u now that i care, we care.

to sar: sar, you're scared... but of what? tell us if u want kz? and the whole thing with parents, you'll find a way to resolute that, and hopefully not end up like me. ^^ but anyways, *hugz*!!

to big d: i feel i need to apologize for many things. im sorry for bugging you with my troubles and making u listen to all the trivia worries of a 13-year-old girl. im sorry for not being able to get the history thing to you in time. im sorry for making u feel guilty about the kaitai thing on thurs... if u were, hopefully not. im sorry for having u put up with my mood swings. and im sorry for so many other things. and i hope that didn't give u the impression im a very um... shall we say depressed person...? cause im not really... but o well. *shrug* o ya and thk u TONS *hugz*

to moz: thx for always being there for me, thx 4 the time we've been together. ^^ i wish u luck on ur UTS interview and profile thing and remember, im always here 4 u like u've been here 4 me. love u b!! *hugz*

to miv: thx tons 4 taking the trouble to leave coments on my often temperamental chatterbox. heartbroken?? im always here if u needa talk... dont be heartbroken, we love you!! no one should be breaking your heart. *big hugz in advance*

to joy: thx joy for always sticking by me and listening to me droning on and on and on and on and on like so. im sorry for doing that 2 u, putting ur ears through the torture. but hey, least i love you tons!! *cheeky grin* lolz.

to kristen: im very sorry if me and b made u feel like u did all the work on the dentist chair. we really had no idea. im terribly sorry. next time just tell us/me kz, and i swear i wont let that happen again. forgive us/me plz? i love you though kristen.

to may and liam: im sorry for being a tiny brat the other day. but i dont know what i was doing cause kaitai was there... so sorry for being pouty/attitudish at certain points in that 2 hour timeframe. c entry made yesterday. srry guys. its all kaitai's fault. *pouts* lolz... naw. *cheeky grin*

to kaitai: im sorry for being attitudish at you the other day and many days b4 that. im sorry for not being able to come up with something smart to say everytime we have a convo. im sorry for being all mz-noe-it-all in class. im sorry for asking u to dance, u prob didn't wanna dance with me anyways. im sorry for having u in my thoughts constanstly but most of all, im sorry for loving u. perty plz forgive me...

hmm... i wonder how many ppl will actually be able to see this, seeing as some of them dont have my blog addy or read my blog if they have it. but i need to do what i have 2 do to set my conscience at ease or else i'll die knowing i didn't apologize/give acknowledgment to some ppl. and that thing i wrote for mel, i guess, its wat i've wanted to say quite some time ago, but never got the chance to write it down. well, its written down now... so ya. and even though this entry is dedicated to others, heres to me, to us. *cheers!!* XD

_____________

Dorcy
Call me Dorce, Dolce, Xi

Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy

Im everything I love
Im everything I hate.



Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough Lorenze Lorenge Lozenges
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai







10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004
11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004
11/14/2004 - 11/21/2004
11/21/2004 - 11/28/2004
11/28/2004 - 12/05/2004
12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004
12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004
12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004
12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005
01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005
01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005
01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005
01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005
03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005
03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005
03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005
03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005
04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005
04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005
04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005
05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005
05/15/2005 - 05/22/2005
05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005
06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005
06/26/2005 - 07/03/2005
07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005
07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005
07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005
07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005
07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005
08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005
08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005
09/04/2005 - 09/11/2005
10/02/2005 - 10/09/2005




Past
Shannie
'laine
Mel
Bree
Shar
Miv
Mitri



Image Credit --> Aethereality
Pixels --> Kawaiiness



This is my space to rant, spaz, kill, rampage and mentally masturbate about whatever, whenever I want and whereever I want. No one said that bitching was supposed to be eloquent or pleasant, so if you're offended, I'm sorry, but you made the decision to read what I wrote. To everyone that might or will offended, if I'm still your friend, no matter what I wrote here, I must still love you enough to entertain you every day. I am not without faults, so excuse me if you will, like I excuse whatever I wrote in here about you. What's here stays here, whatever. Copyright © to ME, Dorcy Xi Chen, unless otherwise stated.