Where I Kiss My Childhood Goodbye

Saturday, May 28, 2005

i feel like a lil liar. maybe thats all i am. i lie way too much for my own good.

mel called last night and the subject of me not going to queens came up again. supposedly my dad called her dad to find out where i was the day before.

okley, digressing a bit so i can fill u in on what happenned the day before. leaving out the track and field shtuff, i got home only to realize i was locked out for the 8th time in 1 month. so i grumpily walked over to lily's all the way saying how kaitai didn't even bother saying goodbye to me. not that it was that much a big deal since we both neglect our goodbyes under circumstances but it gave something to be cranky about so i can pretend to be a sad pitiful lil girl whose life is going down the drain.

the story is, my parents didn't have enough brain to figure out i was at lilz' even though the only places i could be were joy's and lilz' since i am incredibly road/ ttc challenged. when i got home, my mommie told me she called everyone on my caller id... this is how the convo went (translated):

me: so who'd u call?
momm: basically everyone on your caller id-
me: whabuhjii... um... so you called melissa, bridget, sharon, marija, racheal, kristen, lily, joy and... (avoiding mentioning kaitai) who else is on my caller id?
momm: *suggestively* kaitai?
me: ... gah gah gah!!! you called him?!?!
momm: *giddily nods*
me: *runs arond the room panicking and freaking out*

-- 5 minutes later --

me: you called kaitai?
momm: mhm
me: what'd you say?
momm: o, my daughter's missing, is your son there?

(well, it can be interpretted 3 ways. so here they are)

ver 1: my daughter's missing, is your son there?
ver 2: my daughter's missing, is your son still there?
ver 3: my daughter's missing, is your song missing too?

(back to the story)

me: OMG!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH what's wrong with you?!!! gah!! his mom alreday dont like me the last time you talked to her. ugh. you're not allowed to talk to no parents no more... gah
momm: *grins and laughs as i freak out*
me: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
momm: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, nah, i just called melissa and lily *grin grin*
me: *stunned silence* ...... what's with you???......... you... you... dont do that to your daughter!!
momm: *laughs as i stomp off into the kitchen for oreos*

isn't my mommie great?

enough tangents, the point is, when mel's parents called. they informed my dad of queens which my daddie claimed he had no clue about. when mel called the day, she informed me of this and i cant help but rethink my jan and feb.

i had claimed that i had worked my ass off trying to convince my parents that i should go to queens. but did i? maybe, maybe not. i had lost those 2 months of my life by neglecting to blog and i have a feeling that even if i did blog. i wont remember to blog about what goes on in my family because think about it, jan and feb were my months of intense misery/ intense bliss. there would be no way i am willing for forsake bloggin about my first crush in place of blogging about my trashy family life.

either ways, i didn't blog and now there's no way for me to retrace my steps and figure out what really happened then. i did mention it to my parents. but my parents just ignored me and went on with my lecture. i did squeeze the topic in at dinner tables as best as i can but i guess the tension was high. i remember crying over certain fights i had with my parents. maybe things were that stiff. i unno.

did i try my hardest? perhaps not. because i was lazy. because i was afraid. because i was a procrastinating coward. someone's who too lazy to make an effort. someone who's too scared of facing my parents rejecting me to give me even more lectures than i already have. but i did try didn't i?

dawmn it, now even i dont believe what i said anymore. maybe i didn't try as hard as i ought have. so why did say i did? to comfort myself, to convince myself i was otherwise from what i truly am? eventually those lies will catch up to me.

maybe thats all i am, nothing but a convincing lowly deceptin liar...

Throwing you kisses @ 8:21 PM

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Friday, May 27, 2005

i hate grad. i hate grad. i hate grad.

wth am i crying?!?! someone tell me why!! i have never NEVER cried over grad yet. never ever. not this year. well, maybe except for twice when i was with mel and bree. but i have never just sat there and started crying before. so why now?!?! i dont want to cry. i dont! i dont!!! not when there's only 22 school days, including quebec, left. i want to spend my last month with laughter and giggles.

i remember in the beginning of the year. i was so nerve wrecked about making new friends. i hated JGA so much. i tried so hard to like JGA. and now im in love. im in love with JGA. and now i cant let go. why??? why??? would it have been better had i hated this school like i did last year?? would it be easier for me to let go?? i want to be able to let go, and just shrug everything off. i want to just think of graduation as some form of relieve. like last year, i count to the end of the school year, marking each and everyday off my calendar, fingers crossed that the last day of school would soon be here. and now? i stomped around the house, cussing and spazzing at the empty walls, wishing everything would just rewind themselves, and play themselves over and over again until... until... until... the end of time.

i wouldn't care if you made me go through term 2 again. i wouldn't care. i wouldn't care. because if nothing ever happened in term 2, i wouldn't be crying just thinking about quebec, about graduation, about the last day of school, about the summer. i didn't know what came over me. it's just i realized, i cant let go. i cant. i simply cant let go now.

then i turn around and ask myself. what am i truly holding onto? what is it that i cant let go of? it's the people. it's always the people. i will miss everyone. i will. i will. but im not going to lie to myself or to my blog as i sit here an hour after everyone from queens have gotten off from their train. what right did i have to be crying over them. i realize i will miss them. but how long have i truly been at JGA? not long not long at all. everyone that i care about for have friends that have known and loved them longer. everyone wants to be missed and loved. i know. i know. but when paranoia hits me, i cant help but question am i really that close enough to cry over them. everyone's known each other longer than i have know them. perhaps im just softie. perhaps im just a stupid emotional git who cries for her own good.

would i be crying had i said goodbye to kaitai instead of avoiding him today after school? after running 1km around the hydro field. i saw kaitai sitting outside. i couldn't and wouldn't go outside to say goodbye to him. there were too many ppl outside for me to say anything. and to be honest, this may come off souding extremely dumb and idiotic, the only thing i feel comfortable doing with kaitai in public is arguing/ fighting wiht him. i would not talk (just regular non-screaming talking), hug, much less kiss him in the public's eye.

today, i dilli dallied inside of school, trying to catch him with my eye... i didn't want to go outside, mostly because i knew almost no one out there, namely all the random skaters that practices everyday but never gets any better. there wasn't much point of me going outside anyways. would i be expected to strike up a convo with kaitai? yes. would i be expected to give him hugs and kisses in front of those nincompoops? yes. would i have been expected to act on a pure friendly level with kaitai in front of anderson (she was leaving for home)? yes. would i be expected to do all of the above? yes.

but...

would kaitai want me to strike up a "friendly" convo with him that he knows i am perfectly incapable to accomplish? maybe. would kaitai have wanted me to hug and kiss him in front of everyone that i'm barely acquaintances with? maybe. would he have wanted all of those and be perfectly comfortable with the PDA's? maybe.

then again...

would i be comfortable with getting "friendly" with kaitai in front of all those ppl? no, not now. would i be capable of talking comfortably under the watchful eyes of those retards and ms. anderson? no, not now. would i know how to initiate a proper awkard-free convo? no, not then.

if only i knew what kaitai really liked or wanted, then that might change my answers. there're alot of things that i thought i'd never do with a guy until now when it actually happened. did i really change to suit his likings? maybe. maybe not. most of the time, i just go with whats happening and gets leaded on (in a good way). kinda like waltzing i guess. you never where or how far you'll go unti you start dancing and the guy leads you.

and it wasn't just the fact that ppl were there that made me paranoid, the fact that he's getting picked up by his parents... well, lets just say i dont wanna meet his rents just yet. they dont like me remember? so i left him with the weekend of baseball not saying one goodbye, not one hug, not one kiss...

Throwing you kisses @ 9:59 PM

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hmm... i think i'll just ditch catching up and do it over the summer so i can write down what i feel now...

Throwing you kisses @ 8:12 PM

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

do you know how much it sucks to have a sharp acute pain in the middle of your ribs when you're working late for your essay. gosh darn it... it hurts...

Throwing you kisses @ 4:23 AM

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Monday, May 23, 2005