Saturday, January 15, 2005
one last post for today... plz let me keep my hopes up without them smashing into smithereens. plz tell me a convo doesn't mean anything. plz tell me that day meant everything i wish it meant. plz tell me that my daydream fantasies will become reality one day. plz tell me that my fairy tales will come true... and we lived happily ever after... *cross ma fingers, close my eyes, wish and pray*
Throwing you kisses @ 10:44 PM
so i was writing a lil something to mel and sar and i decided it appropriate to post it up here as well, so here we go.
for valentines:... im sending him a rose. im ditching the whole 99 roses idea, cause he doesn't like me anyways so im just gonna do what i feel i need 2 do to know that i did something. but i really wanna send him something else. im thinking of taht plush box of chocolates from build a bear or just a real box of chocolates... or wait wait... i know what im getting him!! im getting him tim hortons valentine specials!! lolz. he seems obsessed with their doughnuts, so maybe i'll get him a box of that so he can be sick again. o god, i love you bloggy. i actually had this idea while im writing this eh. so amazing. so yes, i know what im getting him, tim horton stuff. god, im so smart. and for his bday, hmm... im thinking build a bear again, a bear with a baseball/basketball/soccer/football uniform? those are the only athletic uniforms they have. i REALLY want to get that bear pink trunks though!! but they only have blue ones so that jsut messed up my plans. but say if i were still 2 give him build a bear things... which sport would it be?? that poop, playing every single sport there is, that is messed and him saying he likes whatever he can get his hands on the best doesn't exactly help either. so help me do a lil bit of diggin kz? o ya, and if u wondering y im stressing over his bday which is 29 days away instead of mel's which is a week away, its cause i already know what im getting her, so dont get the notion that i put guys in front of friends in ur heads. *wink*
Throwing you kisses @ 10:34 PM
_____________
i'm sorry for the last entry, just alot of thoughts that needed to be said jammed into two paragraphs... everything thats been bugging me lately i guess... too much to say, but only so well i can write... bear with the nonsenses. *apologetic shrug*
Throwing you kisses @ 10:29 PM
_____________
i was reading 熙园 's blog and its really scary. turns out im not that suicidal after all. of course im not claiming that anyone i noe is suicidal but its scary how many "problems" that we all have. did we all pass our childhoods and are pacing into our teenage years? why are we saying goodbye to those carefree days and anticipating the years of tear, pain and agony? whoever wanted to be a teenager is a fool, but then again, we were all fools, fools for thinking that being a teenager would make life so much more exciting and much more liberty at hands to control. we all still are fools. fools for crying and beating ourselves for the pathetic lives we managed to make out of our time alive on this pathetic planet. there are carefree ppl in the world but how many true are? maybe pauline. always with that smile plastered upon her face. i find that weird... sick even at all that hypocrisy, yet i envy her. how long can i stay happie? not long i can tell yall. how long can i manage to free my eyes of tears? not past 4 days. more liberties... my foot. i feel constrained within myself, strangled and struggling for each breathe. everyone expects me to live and be a certain way, i needa live and act like her, like him, im never myself, im always held under the shadow of brilliants before and around myself. exciting teenage years, all our bodies are changing... growing pains, physical changes, how wonderful. the golden years of being a girl is now, i dont see what so golden about it at all. all that worries about school, friends, guys (guy), family and stuff just drives u crazy. yet, u have to act like you're mz perfect to everyone else. do u have any ideas how tedious that is? we can constrain our hearts to not fall for anyone but it bleeds to be chained with iron bars. how can we not worry, when everything that we need to be worried about revolves around us, or rather, we revolve around them. look at all those teen flicks. look at those malicious girls and their devious schemes to become the homecoming queen. each and every single one of them with the prettiest face imaginable but inside, their conscience are burning into nothing. all those girls in their wonderful, radiant teen years. they break up couples, they snip up ppl's clothes, they put down others in public. is that how girls are? or we will be in a couple years time. high school is but 9 months away. does that mean that everyone i know will turn into monsters in 9 months time? are we all on the bringe of pure malevolent-ness?? its hard to imagine alot of the naive faces that i c almost on a daily basis put on a gorgeous face trying to survive and conquer high school. look at us... we're already sad enough. we all strive to be something we're not. maybe its for the better, but maybe its for the worse. popularity seems a huge issue in novels, flicks, but in real life? not so much, but it hurts to see ppl stress over that topic like its the most profound subject in the world. we try to avoid being the third wheeler, so we make friends, friends that will last a lifetime. but when u fail to befriend those in "authority" of popularity, u start telling yourself how shallow those ppl are and how they dont deserve ur attention in the first place and u find ways to sting them in their wounds. ha mean girls. that is so stereotypical. the mean ones have a conscience too. or at least the popular ones anyways. seems to me everyone that we assumed is leading a perfect life isn't having such a great one either. everyone has problems of sorts and it just might turn out that we have similar problems. no on can really trut in like regina and act like they own the place, everyone is always facing problems. its just a matter of whether we show it or not. we choose to not let our weak side peek through. girls are complex creatures, or so ppl say, but we're really not that different from guys, we're all human beings. you can predict things to exactly how the outcome would be, but you can never measure the emotions and thoughts of human beings, both guys and girls.
but one thing that bothers me is the tsunami incident. its a horrible disaster, and everyone feels terribly bad for the victims. i have relative and friends in the disaster area and so i know wat it feels like to pin for those that might be hurt. but why do ppl always have to wait till the disaster strikes before they start having reprecautions. all that emergency weather networks coming up after the earthquake and tidal waves. its like fixing the fence after all the sheeps been eaten by the wolves. so pointless, the harms already been done. and its not like we didn't have ppl on earth that knew about the disaster beforehand. to to profits, they chose to risk the life of thousands by telling themselves that so horrible a disaster would not occur. dying in a plane crash is less possible than getting trampled to death by a donkey and the crash rate is 1 to 6 billion, but they still happen, so why do ppl refuse to do things that will benefits thousands and thousands of ppl? all for money, what is point of that? so now, we are starting to donate to those who barely survived the disasters. wats the use, how can money erase the hurt and scars that were formed by this horrific incident? no money in the world would do them any good. they could rebuild their houses, reconstruct their city, but they'll never be able to replace the ones they had lost through it all. broken hearts cannot be healed, no matter how thorough it may seem, theres always a scar thats still oozing with blood. and if it takes a tsunami for ppl to realize that we need to stop neglecting the horrific facts for selfish gain of profits and start caring for the unfortunate, then i bet all the children in africa are silently praying for a tsunami as well. they constantly live on the verge of death from lack of proper nutrition and protection. they struggle in conditions no better than that in the disaster areas. so why do we always need an horrific reminder to start doing the right thing? their state of living is constantly happenning so why do we need a tsunami to tell us that?? all we care is about the materialistic in life, even dress shopping has turned into a contest of vainity of heart. sure we might be joking but sooner or later, those casual words are going to turn into reality. subconscious leads to reality, if i've learnt anything its that. human esp girls are vain creatures, eve should have never picked that apple. i bet god regrets making the promise never to do something like noah's ark again. the devious ppl living in the world are much better off being dead. all the bribery and conceit toggled between parties and ppl are just poop. sars, bird flu, earthquake, tidal waves, world hunger, wars... ha, just means to rid the world of despicable human beings. sooner or later, traces of men would be wiped out from this planet completely. global warming, greenhouse effect, just another stupid way to kill us all off more quickly. we brought everything upon ourselves. all the diseases and disaster could be prevented, but we chose to ignore the signs. its just way human works but hey, lets wait for the current to change and bring on a second ice age before we do anything about it. we tell ourselves that we'll be dead before the disaster strikes. how selfish are we to leave a drained and exhausted earth to future generations? eventually, mother earth is going to give up and collaspe and we will get no second chance to amend our mistakes. so i say why wait till it happens before you take action?? start now!
Throwing you kisses @ 6:48 PM
_____________
real subtle sielski... Replay of what he did lolz. XD
coughcoughdorcylikescoughkaicoughkaitaicough
in front of ketchup boy and crew too eh? got a lil awkward so i decided to drag may out and avoiding the things he was saying. lolz. silly sielski. wait a minute... wait a minute... kaitai was there too. o well, he's too thick... or at least what everyone told me. but i still think he's pretending. lolz... sielski.
Throwing you kisses @ 11:06 AM
_____________
well, after sleeping on the events of yesterday, i've come to the conclusion that i have been a brat in front of kaitai and liam and may. i told ya so. im a retard whenever he's around. well, c here thing is, he was sarcastic as usual and sometimes when i would say something, he would go, "no one care". and i would do my pouty face and stop talking or go like, "you're mean.." in a girlish kinda way i s'pose. i think this happened like 2/3 times. god knows what he think of me then... prob some lil brat that cant take sarcasm. god. im so dumb!! *smakes head hard* but hey, at least he was nice enough to say, "ok, we care, we care" or stuff like that. that was nice. maybe even sweet-ish since he doesn't usually say that to me.
and another thing, when kaitai claimed he can do ballet by tiptoeing, i decided that he wasn't doing it rite, since you're supposed to not just tiptoe. so i proceeded to show him the proper way, a lame attempt since im not wearing my pointes. but 4 some reason, i had the hugest cramp in my leg and i collapsed onto the ground. ugh, the embarrasement. and in front of everyone too. so while i was cringin in pain, kaitai went on about how i have to stretch it out. but i was still on the ground, lamenting at my bad luck silently. i guess i gave the appearance that i have MAJOR cramps, cause kaitai tried to stretch out my leg. so he bent down and attempted to straighten out my leg... o god, thats so nice now that i come to think of it... c? kaitai isn't that mean, im not falling for the wrong guy ^^. but what happened next was funny. he tried to stretch it out rite? lolz ROFL. instead of tilting my foot backwards, he half-took off my shoe!! ROFL ROFL ROFL. o god, that was priceless now i recall the incident. meh, i was wearing jeans so he doesn't know lolz, so i had to yell out. "you're taking off my shoe, u bum" which isn't so funny anymore cause im sounding like a attitude-ish brat again. great going there me. awww poo. how could i do that?? i wish i could make it all up to the guys, esp him. or apologize for what i did, or even better, go back in time to fix everything i'd done wrong. but i cant really do any of those, i mean, apologizing... for having an attitude... to kaitai and liam who have the most attitude, thats just plain weird. but they were being REALLY nice yesterday, so now i feel real guilty. i mean, if they think thats the normal me.. i dont know. but girls have a rite to be sarcastic and different when they're around guys rite? i guess that all girls are just trying to prove that we're better than guys and that we dont need guys, we're no weaklings. so we shield ourselves with sarcasm and arrogance... but thats often not the image we want to give to ppl. i dont know if this applies to others, but i find living like this very contradicting. o god, wat can i do? i guess just be nice to them... i guess, easier said than done, and its not like im already not nice. but with kaitai, everything that was planned just flies out of the window. *sigh*
but its ok, i guess. still happie that i got 2 spend time with him. not just him, liam and may too. but hey, i wasn't an idiot around them...
Throwing you kisses @ 9:19 AM
_____________
Friday, January 14, 2005
o god, i cant believe my violin skills are dropping, the sounds im producing are hardly up to what i used to play. and i really dont think im being hard on myself. might be the rosin... hmm, guess i needa clean up my violin.
but im sooo happie rite now. its hard to explain really, but i just
have to write this down, so i can look back and cuddle my memory when all the delusions that today brought me are washed away by the hurt i know reality will never fail to bring.
so, me and may (dawmn grammar) were going to shop for nail polishes in da name of science and we were heading for that dominion place. it was going to be fine until kaitai and liam started trying to steal my violin. lolz, me and may were clinging onto my violin for dear life lolz. not that my violin really was that important, u know liam and kaitai are going to return it anyways. but its just the fact that we needa hold onto the violin that made us hold on, if that made any sense. lolz. qtip saw us and he walked over asking them wat was wrong and liam and kaitai sorta got into trouble i guess, im not sure, so me and may went off heading for shoppers. but after walking for awhile i realized that liam and kaitai are still behind us and probably still planning to steal that wonderful string instrument of mine. so all through the way, it was me and may battling it out with liam and kaitai, on the slippery shiny surface of the cement which made it all the more exciting. lolz. great fun that was, took me nearly 3 times as long to get home and when i did reach that point when i could either turn to go home or go straight to dominion, we walked into the plaza. i had half assumed that the guys would go home. but i suppose not, so while me and may looked at the perty shades of nail polish, the guys stood outside and did things that i wouldn't care to know about. of course, they did try to steal my precious black case from me but its hard, cause i always see them when they come close lolz.
after we blew 30 dollars on nail polishes in one go, we stepped out and saw that the guys had tim hortons doughnuts, so we snatched the doughnuts from their hands and started munching on them, well, i almost did but then kaitai pointed out that there were still some in the box, so i returned the chocolate coated doughnuts to kaitai and started piggin out on the ones in the box lolz. the guys ate like 5/4 doughnuts already b4 we came eh? meh, its kaitai, wat u expect? and they went on about how they feel them bein gfat after having all those sugary stuff and went on a calory obsession mode while me and may went into dominion getting food. we cant look at anything without kaitai pointing out the amount of calories that we would consume had we inhaled all those. but bahhh, who is he to talk, when he weighs 45 lbs more than me. so we got chips and pop corn ish stuff and sat down on one of the benches and went at it at those wonderfully fattening junk food. every single old person stared at me like we were crazy, devouring all those calories on a cold, sunny, icy winter day. a couple even made comments on how fat we were gonna become once we finished. i guess the guys couldn't take it, so they went in and got a 2litre bottle of sprite. but me and may started drinking them b4 liam even had a chance to touch it. lolz, of course, we weren't capable enough to lift the bottle high enough for them not to touch our lips. so after making sure that kaitai has AIDS which wont be transmitted through spit, we drank their pop. ha, wonderful day. and when kaitai took the bottle again and drank it, not putting it to his lips of course, me and may went around singing in a kidish voice that girls have cooties lolz. ^^
by then it was somewhat 4.10 which i considered to be early. so me and may dumped our bags in my house... and went to the elevators. who should pop out but kaitai and liam who claimed that they wont put their bags down. o well, much more to our benefits when we decided to race down the stairs and elevators. lolz. kaitai's soooooo dumb... god, pressing the alarm button and skipping/ gliding/ jumping/ running out of the elevator door seeing if it would go back in... great job kaitai. that went on for quite awhile lolz. it was fun, and definitely burnt whatever calories we had earlier. god, im being influenced... so we were chasing each other around the building, deciding not to prank knock shayan's door after all. its was all in good fun. then may had to go 2 dominion. and there liam and kaitai said goodbye 2 me... but i didn't hear them, so i got upset later, looking for them, getting moody byt the fact that they'll (he'll) walk out on us like that. but o well.
im still grateful for the afternoon. it was nice to just chill (literally, my fingers were purple and numb when i went back in) with ppl until 5. it was fun, fun fun! not only that, it was time with kaitai. so im happie. ^^. i still dont get y they following us though... weird ppl. then again, its liam and kaitai, nothing could go by the rules with those two. but something may said struck me, but i dont wanna get my hopes up again, cause they always come crashing down when i do. well she said that liam/ kaitai might like me. i aruged that it could be her . i HIGHLY doubt that possibility which may suggested though lolz they just hang out and make fun of everyone. meh. not thinking bout it cause its very impossible no matter how bad i want it to happen. the kaitai thing, not liam, cause i refuse to betray bree, even though its over. not thinking bout it... not talking bout it so there. but happie day... till 5 with liam, may and KAITAI!!
ahh poo, i forgot 2 hand in my wam assignment, so that's real bad... must find way to get it in...
Throwing you kisses @ 6:36 PM
_____________
Thursday, January 13, 2005
ms a was being totally unfair in the hist thing 2day... its really bugging but i'll live lolz.
i find it really strange how things work out in life. im in grade 8 in case anyone doesn't know that by know. *pokes description of self* so in a whooping 9 monthes, i'll be in grade 9... that fateful time when i'll move on into the mysterious high school life. i really hate to leave JGA... and well, i still have no clue where im going yet... but its either IB in Weston or mci. everyone says that IB sucks and so does the area Weston is in, so all in all, IB in Weston sucks. i dont know yet. almost everyone is trying out for ESA and so we'll all be separated when my 5 monthes time is up...bree isn't trying out 4 esa but shes not going anywhere i going either, she aimin for uts... and kaitai, he's going to some school in missisagua/ brampton which has both the gifted programme and IB programme. i've mentioned this sometime earlier but its time i bring it up again. it really amazes me how ironic this world is. My dad is currently at that glenforest(that how u spell that?) open house. ya, the exact same school that kaitai will be going to... and guess why my dad is there?? ya, he wants me to go to that school. he says if i get into that IB programme, instead of travelling that far to Weston, i might as well go to that school. besides, we might be moving soon once i hit grade 9 and i just know that i'll be moving somewhere even closer to missisagua, cause of the place where my dad works and all that. thats really weird... so i might end up going to the same school as kaitai... god, this is all so confusing.
do i want to c him after this year?? its not like he's not doing a good enough job of screwing my life. i mean i love him and all, but all that pain he's put me through... i really dont think i can handle another year or even 4 years facing him, or see him fall for someone else with my own two eyes. i want that first someone to be me!! ME!!!... im getting emotional again, but its really sad how i always get so worked up when i c him with ppl yet not yet brave or determined enough to tell him straight. all my determination and courage are devoured in the face of fear... kaitai, why do i hate and love u so much at the same time?? this is just crap.
Throwing you kisses @ 7:19 PM
_____________
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
ah poo. my comp is screwed... and wat better time to break down when my math assignment is due on friday? and due to my time constrain, i'll have to make things short.
1) i have to cheer up, heres my new new years resolution: Be Happy. i mean, i bet everyone's real fed up with me and my mood swings. even me myself is fed up of it. i dont care even it kills me to put on a happy face in school or around ppl again, im going to do it.
2) lotsa ppl r away 2day so i was sitting with bree in violin and for some reason, i keep screwing up, in front of kaitai too... im so mad at myself. i cant believe i would have chosen such a day to mess up. im so hopelessly hopeless. and mr worden prob think im a kid who doesn't listen to advices that he gave me but its not true!! im just so mad at myself. im srry bree if i made u put up with my moodyness!! and to everyone else!!
3) i've also realized the reason y i've been avoiding kaitai... im not only nervous, im also scared... scared of getting hurt... scared of everything that would be coming my way...
Throwing you kisses @ 10:21 PM
_____________
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
have you ever felt so fed up with yourself that you dont know why the hell you are still alive. everyone you loved either hates you, destests you, ignores you or are annoying to hell by your continuous ramblings. its like that with me now. posting at 7.48 in the morning b4 school even starts. i feel like i do nothing to help the society to change, all i do is add to its problems and as much as i do appreciate everyone helping me out during these times, i cant help but feel that i am an evil person and deserved to be banished to the worst level of hell imaginable because im troubling everyone with what rightly should be my own problems to deal with. i feel no point in me going to school right now. school is so gay. and no its not les/hobo/straight bree, its just gay. there is nothing in it for me anymore. i could just sit home all day and chip away at those heavy textbooks trying to cram all those pointless information into my tiny head and pray to god that they all fit. that way, i wont have to see kaitai or ms anderson or have nearly as much on my mind as i do now... i dont want to stay at home either. i wish i could be a hermit and seek comfort from teh forests or mountains and snow or wherever i chose to be. be away from all that battle of the wits and heart. take a break from everything that i have to deal with right now and spare everyone the worries of listening to me droning on and on and on and on. i refuse to talk about them in school cause it only gets everyone down and take away what rightfully should be their social time. i'll be an outcast then. not that it matters. but on msn... i cant help it... somehow, every convo always leads to me being depressed. srry mel, srry bree, srry joy, srry shar, srry miv. im so sorry dimitri for you having to listen to my babbles everyday. o ya that and im genuinely sorry for misplacing your hist sheet until the last moment. another reason to kill myself over. i make nothing better. all i ever do is mess things up and no one will forgive me and they will all come to hate me when the time comes. my life is like an living anguish... what's the point?? when all that i used to lived for doesn't matter to me anymore. i dont care about my grades nearly as much, they're slipping so thats outta my grasp and maintaining a healthy relationship with teachers... im the challenged one... and everyone that i used to love, hates me or is far away from me, the ones that i love now, i feel indebted to and guilty of everything i had to put them through or purposeless cause he doesn't love me back... a lot of things that had mattered then carries no meanings now. that space between my chest is always empty, a hole inside my soul. thats why i love hugs, they fill the emptiness of that void. but hugs only last taht long before they dissolve into nothingness like the rest of my world. and the only hugs that truly mattered... i never do get or i once did but never will. i hugged on tight, but u obviously didnt do the same, cause now we're drifting apart...
Throwing you kisses @ 7:45 AM
_____________
Monday, January 10, 2005
i feel like falling into and pit and dying there, lying on my back, face facing upwards, gazing up at the sky... the soft gentle clouds rolling by, carefree and wonderful... and i'll be at peace...
but im not at peace... at all. my days of the week are strung together, each event triggers the next, and the next and the next... and my mondya is off to a rocky start. i can only do so much as to pray and wish that the remaining days of this week isn't quite as eventful.
the whole parent talk thing was a disaster. when ms a handed out that piece of paper, she pointed to the "if your teenagers arent talking, we'll teach you how to communicate." and told me to show it to my dad. great... so now she's taking special attention of me like im the disabled, the phsycally challenged, or mentally challenged... or simply put, challenged. the truth is, when she talked about how she had received complaints from parents who claimed their kids weren't talking and not being able to communicate, i just knew it was directed at me. i mean, who else could it be directed at? unless its poor abdullah. truth be told, i feel sorry for him, really. i mean, he's really like in my situation. i wish i could give him my comforts but no matter what, i still find it hard to believe that abdullah has... sigh. poor guy. and it really doesn't help when i know i couldn't show my parents that nyways, they'll just raise a racket out of it all, demanding to know what i meant out of all that. do you know how hard it is to know that once upon a time, your teacher really liked you and now all of a sudden you're her center of attention because you apparently have some sort of mental problems that need fine tuning?? sure, you've all been through the awkward teenage years... but do you really remember what it is like? if you do, then you should know that the best thing to do is leave me be to sort everything out. you just know i wont be able to say what i want with you and it really hurts when i cant. so why make me hurt and hate you even more when the truth is i loved you?? is that what all parents wanted? for their kids to hate them when they loved them so? this is bull. school, ms a, problems... never a happy day. i love it when work surrounds me, so i can shut out everything ms a is saying bout me or kaitai and liam are saying. anything to get me away from the life i once loved and cherished.
kaitai doesn't help either... neither does veljko. veljko really has done it this time... cutting into my life, or rather bree's. im not sure if he likes me, i higly HIGHLY doubt it and im not going to be bothered trying to figure that out. its really pointless cause veljko never made any serious decisions in his entire life, his crushes never lasts more than 4 weeks... they come quick, but dissolves quick too. great guy that one is. but bree, thats another story. she hasn't the faintest clue bout whats happening to her since that friday and well, i just pray that she let her senses guide her and not fall into the trap of that coniving veljko.
kaitai was writing the thing for the newsletter and i was just so happy that you know... it was great... but then i would start all that negativily and everything would rush back. something tells me that he knows and i dont know what exactly. or maybe my avoiding him makes it seems like he's avoiding me. i dont know... when i tried to talk with him about the ms anderson problem. god what was i thinking... y would he wanna know bout something so trivia as that? but good news is, it only lasted 1 minute. he really cared, didn't he? i could tell he was in a hurry to go and leave. i wont blame him, it takes 1 hour for him to get home... so its ok. i tell myself its ok. i told myself so many things but they never seem to come true... so he left... and all of a sudden... my eyes were flooded again. stupid tears. they dont ever listen to me. so i spent bonding time with the washroom and joy who stuck by me. wonderful times those were. but i couldn't resist going outside again, all the glistening white snow had an unknown temptation towards me lately, im so drawn to open air. so i stepped out and stood there, the wind going through my hair, breathing hard against my tear streaked face. nothing red in sight. i walked further on and came to the corner of the wall and there he was, standing there, as if waiting for someone to come along. he saw me... so i turned, initially to walk back in, but something wont let me so turned and walked the other way from the busstop. kicking snow... splattering all that ice blobs against the rotten tree trunck, very chunk of ice venting out my frustration, my screams, my anguish. after what i deemed to be enough ice chipping, i turned round. he's gone... sadness overwhelmed me again. i dont know why. it's not like i had expected him to stay there and come up to put his arms around me and bring console to my heart. but still, i refused to go back in. i walked further down until i reached the pavement and i turned to look. he's by that junction... still looking back at JGA... he prob saw me... so i turned round and pretended to wait for a ride. the tears came again. i hate you tears. why do you always make me look like a weakling. i hate you, my friends are always worried about me whenever u make you prescence. i hate you, you only seem to make things worse... ever since the first day i started crying 13 years ago, my life is in for a wreck.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:15 PM
_____________
Sunday, January 09, 2005
i walked into school, still semi-depressed with the morning and sat myself down at my desk, staring at the empty wall in front of me... so empty... just like me.
then kaitai came strutting in with his books, wearing his red sweater and white pants... nothing like a real celebrity, even though he claims to be this distant relative of a cbc host, but he's every bit my celebrity. ^^ but i dont know, he caught my eyes when he stepped into the room, but i wouldn't allow my eyes to linger on him... so i turned my head again to face the wall. still staring at it, a million thoughts churning in my mind, so many thoughts that i haven't the faintest clue what i was thinking. then everyone else came in, and i plastered on that face that i chose to get me through another day. the one with that ridiculous smile doodled on. i sat, hollow and purposeless. i spent the morning just staring at my work and pretending to work, when inside, all purposes are lost. i didn't know why then. i figured it must be the interview that drove me to my senseless state. nothing got done during science, we sat, talking. thats all i seem to be able to do now with the girls. i feel like such a downer, dragging everyone that i cared about into my void of unhappyness. and i swear to god, i dont like that. i tried to show that i was ok, but i guess my smiled was drawn on with a broken pencil, cause apparently everyone realized i wasn't ok. (he was carrying bree's stuff to science... minor detail that i noticed there...)
i didn't cry that morning in school, a feat, the way i see it. i don't know how i made it through though. my eyes were dry even though they're outta focus. have you ever reached the extend where you're so lost and shattered that you want to cry so bad, but no tears would come? well, it was either that, or i had suddenly became ms independent again. i sat through math... being bored, not doing any actual work, listening to kaitai and liam's pointless arguments, his voice reverberating in my ears, summoning my tears. and i would dive back to work again, and focus my energy on how much i hate ms anderson for not reading my 2 hour long answers. but i cant seem to shut his voice out. the way i would picture his face when i refused to turn back and look at him drives me crazy. i can control my actions but i cant control my thoughts, i can control my tears from overflowing, but i cant control them forming. i hear him talking with b about math and everything from last night just rushed back. his convo with dimitri formed themselves line by line in my head. i shut my eyes and i was readng those words again, those words that so painfully dug into my heart. i recalled my pathetic lil theories that i had made the night before, and i tilted my head back. i told myself that if i did that, my tears would flow back into my head and no one, esp not kaitai would see my signs of weakness. i cant be a ditz, retard and a weakling in front of him. im reading those words again. each and every singel word that he spoke to dimitri, each and every word that utters how he doesn't like me, not even a little, not at all. my heart was breaking, for the millionth time... it's ok, i'll just sew it up again, stitch by stitch, and watch my blood ooze with each motion of the needle. i told myself im ok... i told myself i was alrite and that seemed to have lil effect. somehow, i found myself walking over to b's table, my smile upon my face again. i asked for a pen, fiddling with her pencil case, catching that red sweater out of the corner of my eye, but i dare not to look straight at him. i ramaged with b's pencil case, pretending to look for a pen that i liked... i chose one at random and grabbed a caramel. i popped it into my mouth, and smiled weakly. rebellious huh. eating in class. viva la rebellion. sure. watever. i kept going back for bree's caramels, i guess thats what kept me going all morning, all the sugar and glimpses of that red shirt. but sugar only lasts that long before u start breaking down.
by lunch time, i had gotten sick of caramel and i dragged my lunch bag out of my locker like i did with my gym bag for the whole of that morning. and i allowed myself to follow mel and bree into the busy lunchroom. no room to sit, as usual. reject. teenage trash, thats wat i was. couple moments later, after mel and bree's continuous shouts of "shove it down, we have no room!!!" i seated myself at the edge of the bench beside bree. mel asked if she could have some of my food and i thrusted my lunchbag to her. i guess she must have sensed my dejection as i have never been known to turn down actual food, so she told me she wasn't gonna let me skip lunch and i replied by muttering that i really didn't feel like eating that day. and david asked me what was wrong, making a happie face at the same time. i looked at his happie face and surveyed the rest of the cafeteria. everyone was busy eating, talking, smiling, laughing. everyone with a purpose, everyone doing something, everyone happie and smiling. i felt so out of place. the noise of the entire cafe swarmed in my head and admist the hustle and bustle of the dining place, i felt myself shrink into nothingness. i couldn't see lilz, i couln't see shar, i couldn't c may, or rach, or madz, or lex, or bree or mel. i couldn't see anyone. everyone just melted away for a sec. and i couldn't recall what i was doing there where everyone was so happily enjoying their food. then i saw him... in the next table, laughing it all up, probably planning another food fight. and everything came back... the noise, the ppl, the smiling faces, mel's voice... everything just exploded in my head. and i couldnt take it anymore, everything just went out of control and i could do nothing but cry. and i couldn't let the whole school c me break down like that. so i walked away from the table and broke into a jog, finally running out of the lunchroom, my tears strewn across my face. i headed towards the washroom. i heard mel and bree calling out behind me, but i didn't turn. i couldn't bring myself to face anyone at the moment. they caught to me and i slumped against the wall, me claiming im okay. i needed time alone then, to sort everything out. so they left me and i seeked refuge in the upstairs washroom. crying. i hate myself for being such a weakling, i hate how i had chosen sometime in school for everything to sink in, i hate how he could not care at all, i hate everything about him, i hate how unfair the vball tryouts are, i hate how dysfunctional my family is, i hate how everyone's driftin apart, i hate how my grades are slipping, i hate how i keep thinking bout him, i hate how everything bad's related to him, and i hate the way i just cant seem to hate him at all... im so useless, i cant even keep my eyes dry for a single day. everything only comes out as tears, they're just as useless as me, they do nothing but make me even weaker. so i spent my lunch in the upstairs washroom until kristen found me and attempted to drag me back to the lunchroom but i wanted to get out into the open air and let oxygen flood my suffocating brain again, let the chilly air shake some sense into it, let the wind howl into my ears how i dont need a guy like him, and let the roar of everyone that didn't need me fill the emptyness of my soul. but i saw him at his locker, he red jacket stood out so much against the cream lockers. everything else dissolved and im in tears again, so i fled into the changeroom and spent 15 minutes trying to fix my broken face, my broken spirit, my broken heart...
Throwing you kisses @ 4:14 PM
_____________
woke up on friday morning... laid awake on my bed... thinking and what not. i dragged myself through the usual morning routine... and stomped my way to school for my interview. i ignored my dad in the drive.. i find the drive very pointless as i could have fully walked to school in 10 minutes... way to pollute the environment even farther, everyday should be non-smoking day. so ya, i trotted into the school, pasting a fake smile onto my face while doing so, cant be anything less than ms always-happie!! ugh, disgusting. we passed the vball tryouts, i smiled my way past the gym door without looking inside, quickening my pace, i want to pass that place that pieces another part of my sorrow to my pathetic life as quickly as possible. my dad however was interested in the vball game going on... so i ignored him AND the game and walked towards that dreaded homeroom where ms a of doom is sitting there waiting to discuss the problems that is making me a criminal at large.
walked into the classroom, sat down, listening to my dad complain about me in front of mz a while all i can do is sit there and look pouty. no comfort really. and then i have to start naming the "excuses" that i didn't do well. what can i say??
a)its holidays
b)i slacked off
c)xmas spirit in the air, no school work spirit
d)too many rehearsals
e)procrastinating
f)got bored
g)hates math
so cliched and fake. excuses, excuses, excuses. i mean, i could have fully done the project on the last day and get an A - A+. but the only reason y i didnt is that stupid idiot of a kaitai decided to make that 22 year old statement and they screwed my day. and the day following it. im not going to go into much of what happened that night, as it will be reliving that time period, bringing me nothing but grief and im already filled with that fatal substance, so i dont c the point of injecting more depression into my system and make me overflow and explode. that and i want to have a peaceful two days away from one of the troubles that's been bugging me since forever.
obviously, i couldn't tell ms a that. and when ms a asked me what i planned to do about it, i had nothing better to say but to ask for a makeup assignment. great, i just asked for more work. the last thing i want is to have a more heavy burden upon my already sagging shoulders. but what else can i say?? nothing, so i said the most logical thing for a "failing" kid to say. and my dad started saying that im rotten and i shouldn't have done what i did and ms a is nice enough to give me another chance. wth...
I asked for the makeup assignment. get the situation through your head, i feel guilty enough already as it is, there's no point in u rubbing it in, you're just watching our father-daughter relationship go down the drain and wondering wat the heck happenned. so shut up for once.
then i cant remember exactly what i said or what happened but i ended up in tears, big surprise there. that insensitive poohead. sometime l8r in the interrogation, i was told to get out while they had a lil chat. so i went out into the freezing cold and cried my eyes out until i saw rach, and she gave me a big hug and we talked so i was happy. thx rach!! ^^ then madz came and we all tried to walk by the tryouts for no reason apparently, but decided against it. so we ended up huddling in the doorway just talking bout how much our parents are being completely impossible and ignorant bout the tight fix that we are in. that cheered me up. its always so much better to compare your problems with other ppl's. takes
loads off ur mind. and we talked bout celeb day and we joked around so im all cheery again. I LOVE U GUYS!!!!
then, the bell rang... and thats another sad piece thats taped onto my broken life.
Throwing you kisses @ 2:03 PM
_____________
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
