Where I Kiss My Childhood Goodbye

Saturday, July 02, 2005

on thursday which was...

bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

APRIL 21!!

i discovered that kaitai could not go to the party which dimitri is hosting on friday (april 22) in honour of his belated birthday. =(

yes. you see. i really have no life that the highlight in my day is discovering a tiny detail in someone else's life instead of creating brilliant sparks that deserves to be rememberated and written about in my own cell hole of a life.

...

NOT!!

dont worry. im nowhere sad enough yet.

so i went to eric's place to work on drama i think.

(Fact: I'm in the same group as mel and bree and eric)

being the 4 of us, we had some quite different opinions and mel and bree are quite the opinionated ppl. not saying that it's a bad thing in any way. in fact, opinionated is good. *thumbs up*

just that when you always gotta have it your way, it just isn't in me to humour you for 4 whole hours. you're not the only ones with opinions. i refuse to argue for over 2 minutes about anything because its just plain pointless. if you really wanna have it your way, go ahead. i couldn't care less.

if you have the oral stamina to have a verbal battle with me about your opinion, dont change it halfway and resort to my way again. it just makes no flip-flopping sense. i dont know why. i'd like to smash it in your face that you adopted my ideas in the end but i wouldn't because im nice. *shifty eyes*

im o-so-very tempted to dance around and rub it in your pertay lil faces in a sing-song voice saying, "I told you so." but meh. i guess not.

if i was nice enough to give in to your way, im sure im "nice" enough to just accept the fact that you finally saw things my way after your failed attempt.

do you know whats interesting?

how you're always argue with me with the same upsetted look on your face when i just sit there and put an occasional word in between our arguements. maybe i just dont got the superb facial muscles to support the intense action of a strenuous angry expression at someone you claim to be your best friend during an insignificant arguement.

wanna debate? fine, but do in a kind and gentle manner. please. like i so graciously do. =)

wanna slap me? take a number.

***

on a darker and more pessimistic note.

when my dad was driving mel home. she was telling me bout last year's movie group which was an extremely tight 8 ppl group when ppl would shift the movie days even if one person couldn't make it.

ah... a bond so strong.

dont you crave for one? i know i do. the back of my tooth just aches for a friendship so touching and sweet.

its too bad now the group broke up and dispersed into tiny lil pieces drifting away.

theres no more bond. everyone just craves the popularity instead of that special bond that they once shared.

i was never part of that group so i can't say. but perhaps i would be a drifter had i joined that group. there's not many people i can trust these days. there's NO one i can trust with my everything. yes. it's sad. i have no best friend. im a terribly picky person when it comes to being friends. i dont think i've given out the honourary term "best friend" in 5 years. given that people actually wanna humour me by entrusting me with your sacred friendship.

maybe i needa stop finding faults in everyone and start putting myself down more often. so i'll actually have someone to tell my deepest darkest secrets instead of hiding everything in drafts on this hunk of metal.

or is it just human nature to get tired of someone you've dealt with for a long time? i'd be scared if that was truly the case. then how do marriages work?

then again.

its love, so we'll survive.

but friendship is a totally different story. girls are morons. we get all hung up over guys who dont deserve a fraction of our affections unless they suffer through everything we have for them. we'll be much better off if we simply stuck with our girlfriends instead of swooning over guys.

so what if we dont get to see them again next year? alotta ppl are leaving... i dont see anyone crying for them.

kaitai's leaving. but so is bree. if im any sensible, i'd cry over bree. which i can proudly say i did. more than i did for kaitai. of which i am proud.

but dont tell kaitai that.

maybe its because i've realized the true shallow identity of girls. we move on from the so-called best friends but we'll do anything possible to stay in touch with the "one-and-only".

bree will be able to move on. shes strong. shes tough. she'll make new friends and we'll become a mere fraction of her memory, kaitai on the other hand. will still find ways to contact me if he cared enough. if he loved me enough. he will reach me because i'm always ready to stay in touch with him. or even if not. he is but a guy in my passing life. the only tiny problem is. he is but a guy in my passing life that i love and embrace with every single fibre in my soul. and because of that, there's a bond.

its not that i dont wanna cry more bout kaitai. its that i love too much to let myself to cry. because by crying. you're admitting that theres something to cry about. i dont wanna believe that.

then why cry about bree?

because just like the group corrupted last year, the group this year will too.

because shes nothing but a girl.

and much as i'd like to tell myself that im not a shallow and moronic girl, i am.

i promised myself i'd drop by and i'll call bree in china. i will do that. i've kept in touch with friends in singapore, i can do it with bree in downtown toronto.

but im nothing a mere girl.

a mere girl who cannot change all the other girls out there.

a mere girl who embraces all rights of her gender.

yet despices the population of her gender to the bone, including herself.

Throwing you kisses @ 10:51 PM

_____________

well... enough with the unpleasanties of cam and sar... i'll move on to more pleasant things.

hmm... its one thing to dislike something done to you than not doing it yourself. im no saint. i cant say i fully fulfill the old Confusium saying.

"Do onto others as you'd like done to you."

or something like that. i ain't no master at translating shtuff.

if you spazz when otha ppl ask you for your grades when they ain't 99.9% perhaps you oughta leave me be when i refuse to show my geo grades instead of rudely snatching it outta my hands. FYI I sorta like having certain privacies, and yes, that does include my grades. i chose not to spazz at you but instead at this broken keyboard after 2 months.

ya, ya, i sure can habour a miniscule grudge after 2 months. *sarcastic look*

um... no.

i just happen to write down the happenings in life and write about them when i have time.

its not the fact that you're invading my grades that im concerned about. i could care less about my grades. just that sometimes, you needa leave me some personal space for what is left of my injured dignity to heal itself instead of beating it up by brutally ripping away the walls that shelter the secrets i'd like to protect.

i understand if by devouring the failure scribbled which is scribbled onto my poorly completed homework your ego and pride is boosted to a new level, but your pleasure is quite at my expense. if you really consider me your friend, just let me when i refuse you.

unless of course...

you're too engrossed in the world of prying, despicable gossip.

not saying that i dont gossip. but gossip has its relativity issues. if by gossip, you mean prying into others personal affairs... then, its nothing but down right low. yet if gossip you mean by ppl confiding in you which results in you knowing what you know, then, its not a bad nature at all.

gossip has it's pleasing moments. it's definitely addictive.

<< Gossip Girl >> criticis says it best:

"Deliciously catty and immediately engrossing."

"A nasty, guilty pleasure."

indeed, its nasty, its sinful, so forgive me if i chose to keep my grades to myself instead of adding to your lowly stashes of gossip.

***

speaking of nasty and guilty pleasure. so is sex. and so is everything that arouses me.

fuck, im 14. its such a retardly awkward age. neither too old or too young.

so much for no relationships. so much for no physical arousal (that'll have to wait for later entries). so much for the innocense i used to have. so much for no sexual yearnings. so much for no needs (its not that huge yet) and wants.

maybe it's because im already 2 days into july instead that innocent Apr 20th so now when i look back everything. everything is coated in lust. everything right now is a battle between the brain-y logic and bodily desires.

but im getting 2 months ahead of myself.

how i miss the days when lust wasn't nearly as strong between the two of us. when we just stayed at the lil playground for over an hour, hugging and kissing in the freezing cold. when we'd resist the urge to go creeping home to the warmth of the heaters instead of braving the bone-chilling cold.

my small body shivered involuntarily and my teeth chattered so. but i was fine as long as i had your warm embrace around my trembling frame, as long as i remember that you're out here with me, instead of going home. i wished i could wrap my arms around you to prevent you from shaking as well. you were cold. i could tell. yet you stuck by me until 5:55 that day.

o hold me again, the same way you held me then. the same delicate way you held me. so gentle for fear of breaking me, yet so tight so you can protect me from the cold. hold me again. hold me again. let me know you still like me way you did. let me know you cared like you did. let me drown in your strong embrace once again.

i was cold but you warmed me by putting my hands up against your back, warming them with your body heat. and i had a half minute walk before i can escape into the sweet sweet heated building where i seek shelter from that blasted cold. you, on the other hand had another 45 mintues on the now unheated ttc system.

poor boy. i love you. doesn't that make you all warm and fuzzy inside?

too bad i never told you that...

Throwing you kisses @ 8:41 PM

_____________

okay fine. so this is summer. it's finally over. im eerily calm. no break downs yet. nothing so far. im just me. sitting boredly in front of this hunk of metal.

i've been skipping entries since apr 20. and now its july 2. 1 and half months lack of entries. o well.

i wonder when i'll start catching up. i guess i'll have plenty of time to that to keep myself amused over the summer. in the meantime...

well. grad. what can i say? nothing. absolutely nothing. i cant talk about it without backtracking to the last few days of school and i cant accomplish that by not backtracking to the day at centennial and i cant recount that without talking bout quebec... so heck. imma talk about...

APRIL 20th!!!!

just because i have no life and cant talk about the present since i cant let go of the past...

anyhow...

if memory serves, that would be a wednesday. but that is of lil importance right now because what i am about to tell you seems like ages ago and most people don't care about it now anyways.

damn. im hungry. im so flippin' hungry. i need food. i smell food. maybe i'll go eat lunch soon. but no matter. i'll keep writing until i can no longer resist the sweet sweet temptations of that delicious aroma drifting from the kitchen. =)

well... on monday. sar told me that cam broke up with sar because of "lack of common interest".

S: hey
D: ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO :D
S: cam actually called me tonight. guess what he said?
D: ?? !!
S: well, first i picked up the phone. then he said oops. then. i was like what's wrong, and he was like... all stuttery and quiet and he was like i dont think this is working out between us, because our interests and points of view are all different, and then he waslike, so i'm sorry.. but its not working out.
D : you, my dear missy, is going to tell me this is a late april fool's joke
S: :'(
D: ... OMG...
D: you're not pulling my leg??
S: would i do something like that? no. you can ask him yourself.
S: in fact, please please do. if he comes online, ask him.
D: i will...
S: dont be mean.
S: i dont understand:'(
S: :'(
S: why
D: me neither...
D: are you okay right now? i cant tell over msn...
D: god, dont tell me you're breaking down...
D: please dont...
D: do u want me to call?
S: no
S: to give you an idea... you know how at school, i was joking, saying how i wanted to go to sleep and never wake up? well now i'm not joking when i say it.
D: ... sarah... god...
D: WTH HAS GOTTEN INTO THAT STUPID BOY?!?!?!?! i will talk to him.
D: wow, its not registering. did u... did u... try to say anything?
S: no.
S: i didn't know what he was calling for. we never talked on the phone before, so i was happy. and i answered it... and at first i couldn't hear him.. in msn he was saying how he wasn't feeling well or somethign ike that... so he said he would call me because i asked what was wrong. then so i was like, hello...and i knwo it was him. then i was like aww whats wrong? what is it? and then he kind of mumbled/said quietly what i just told you , and i just kind of sat there and said k. i was numb, litterally numb all over. and i wasn't crying. then i hung up the phone, and my mom came in so i acted as if nothing was wrong. then i went to have a shower, and yea
S: now.
D: so are you crying now?
S: ...
D: i dunno, i somehow think that it is important. cause when kaitai stopped liking me... i didn't cry at all. not AT ALL
D: did i tell u that kaitai stopped liking me at one point, and we almost broke up?
S: but you didn't?
D: no. do u want to know details?
S: oh. no
D: okley. u should talk with cam, thats all im saying
D: what cam said didn't help at all, its too cliched. u need to talk, talk does hell of alot. u c bree, and she broke up because she didn't talk with liam for a month. then melissa, david was like that too. then shar, the summer broke it up. you need to talk. ask him
S: but i can't. i just can't. i don't know how i'm going to face him.
S: im going to bed. bye

i felt like crying. i didn't know what to say to sarah at that point. it was just too much. too much to her to take, and too much information for my head to register. i cant believe i still feel the pinch when im writing this 2 months later.

it just wasn't fair to sarah. she loved cam and i thought cam loved her too. we all thought they were the perfect couple. what happened? and i felt horrible, not for any reason in particular. i just did.

i could only pray that night that cam hadn't dumped sar for emma. or for some shallow reasons.

sar is strong. she can hide things. good. she loved cam. she wouldn't want to cause cam any hurt. note how she told me not to be mean. so i didn't tell anyone about a word that sar told me. because i know for sure that some of the girls would take this the wrong way and make a big deal out of it. not saying i dont want to. i just choose not to. because im still cam's friend and there's just no point in making a big deal out of it. but keith is another story altogether.

anyhow. back to the story on wednesday. during the lineup for pizza lunch. suz told court that sar had broken up with cam. and so it spreads. and mel found out as did the rest of the gifteds in a matter of lunchtime. mel started crying and made a HUGE deal out of it.

sure, i always knew she cried easily but please please go cry in a little corner. dont make a scene because the only reason why sarah did not mention this to you is that she wants it down low until people have to find out. she most definitely did not ask for sympathy, nor your frustrated ventings at cam. by making a scene out of it, you would only be embarrasing both cam and sarah. making cam look like a shallow bastard and sarah an incapable angsty teenager. which of course, is not what they are.

one other thing. how many people actually cared with sarah and cam hooked up? close to 2. that's IT. TWO. T-W-O two! and then you see the entire schoolyard bursting out in their discontentment at the break up. why do you care when they break up and not when they hook up? that is plain hypocricy. why bother pretending that you care when things get out of hand?

of course, that is the smart thing to do. extend your helping hand in people's worst hour of need to show how much you "care" but you didn't care enough to always be there for sarah, isn't your angst incredibly hypocritical? of course, im sure no one meant to be "fake", because you're not. you showed that you actually cared. but maybe its best we not cry/ scream/ put people down when there's a break up. because if you just found out that day, i wonder how much you actually know about the relationship itself when it was still in full bloom...

Throwing you kisses @ 8:02 PM

_____________

Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy