Thursday, March 10, 2005
I LOVE YOU!!! (both mivvy and kaitai, and yes everyone else that i hold close with my heart :D)
Throwing you kisses @ 7:49 AM
o god... why do i have to be so stupid??? i can NEVER say the right things can i? wth is wrong wiht me?? i dont know, my tone drips with sarcasm whenever im around. i always tease him. i always go overboard. ahhhh!!! I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF CAUSE I MADE HIM HATE ME!!
SOMEONE SLAP ME!!!
Throwing you kisses @ 7:31 AM
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
a month since i last posted... i've started blogging again... so much has happened... i dont know where to start. but most my stories still revolve round kaitai... its sad yes. lil has this month done to improve my obsession over him, which is sad, cause theres little over 3 months of grade 8 left. heres a quick recap just so my following story will make sense: me and kaitai got together.
i never thought i could love and hate a person so much in one single day. there was one point in time today, when i doubted if i liked kaitai anymore... and i dont know, it seems stupid at this point, but i couldn't help it. when you have something, a girl like me tend to doubt its existence, doubt its purpose, doubt everything about it. but i know its stupid but now i know how much i love him. we hardly talk in school, its only after school that we actually come in contact but i would always follow him with my eyes. eyes that burns with the love inside, eyes filled with the passion that he will never see.
i dont know whats wrong with me, i always do the wrong things when im with him. y cant i just be normal and be like bree and just act happie and bubbly and just a pleasant girl in general? i wish i hadn't done what i did. i wish i hadn't took his hat, i wish i hadn't wrestled with him just for the heck of it. i wish i didn't do all those stupid stuff. i wish i had just given him a hug and let him go. i wish i had just let lily battle liam for my gloves. i wish i had just stood there with kaitai, doing something more sensible than what i did today. where did i go wrong? theres a nerve missing from this brain. i wanted kaitai, i needed him, i loved him!! so why did i do what i did? it sounds trivia, i know it does. i just fought with him for my gloves and hat, like and retard would do. oh, but you should have seen the way he looked at me. it sends chills down my heart. i thought everything was good until he started walking to the busstop and didn't look at me. so me, being stupidly me, of course caught up to him and asked if he was pissed at me, he just shook his head and glanced at me.
*D catches up and grabs his arm.*
D: Are you mad at me? *tries to catch his eye*
K: *shakes head*
D: Are you sure? *searches franctically for an answer in his eyes*
K: ya *glances at D and then fidgets with his hat*
D: ok.
K: *keep on walking*
D: ok... *fades out, looks away*
*D lets go of his arm, gently "shoved" him on his way, turned round and grabbed bag and walked*
L: Are you ok?
D: ya *avoiding eye contact*
L: are you pissed? sad?
D: ya...
L: KAITAI, COME BACK HERE!!
D: NO!! lets GO HOME!! GO HOME!! *verge of tears*
L: y?
D: ... because... (half screaming, half choking) he hates me!
L: he does? no he doesn't!! Kaitai! are you mad at dorcy??
D: *walks faster*
K: .:dunno what he did, cause i was walking but apparently he said no:.
L: c? hes not mad at you
D: *spins round to see K turn around, watches him turn the corner while D walks backwards*
L+D: *walks home*
i know im getting over mellowdramatic but i cant help it when i know the love of my pathetic teenage life is mad at me. his one single glance is enough to kill. guys work differently, esp with kaitai who doesn't open his feelings to anyone. i wish i knew what was going on in his head but i dont, and i have no one to help me because kaitai wont cooperate. i dont know if he likes me, its a stupid thing to complain about i cant help it. i tell myself that i should let everything go and just live under his love for the remaining 3 months. i tell myself that theres no point in making everything point blank, even if i have to live in happie but false pretences, its worth it. but the petty feminine side of me wont let me make that decision. it wants an answer. an answer if kaitai has a place in his heart for me. i wont care. i WONT!! but i do. i wish i didn't love anyone, i wish i didn't like anyone. if u could make me choose, i would rather not like anyone at all. yes, it does fulfill my life but i would rather not put up with this nonsense when im merely 14. it does make ur life seem more purposeful when u're in love, but the tremendous hurt that they deliver is enough to shatter the soul of any regular 14 year old. i would embrace freedom from the chains of love but its not up to me to pinpoint what i want of my stupid fluttering lil heart. i love kaitai. and it hurts to see that look in his eyes. i noe i cant always expect him to be funnay and stupid with a huge grin on his face, but he seemed seriously annoyed and i dont knwo what else. it really hurts. i guess it hurts the most when you're so close to someone but you cant have them... or you have them, but they're not really there. i love him... yet his eyes speak of hate... you only realize how much you love him when you've realized how much they dont love you...it hurts... it hurts... it really does.
Throwing you kisses @ 9:02 PM
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Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
