Sunday, August 28, 2005
Good. Now that
that's done and over with. I can let logic take over.
There's something very wrong with me.
It's not my personality.
It's not my anger.
It's an illness.
I'm sick.
I think I'm actually sick.
I can't stand myself. I'm so disgusted by who I am, by what I do.
But still, I love me. The me that everyone knows, the me that I thought I knew.
Then why do I still act this way?
Then why do I still behave this way?
I know it's wrong.
I know it's sick.
I know it's demented.
But I can't stop.
I can't.
I'm so scared.
Who am I?
I don't know.
Someone tell me!!
GODDAMN IT KAITAI. WHERE ARE YOU?!?Someone please hold me, tell me who I am.
Someone please hold me, stop me from crying.
Someone please hold me, stop me from shaking.
I feel so strange.
So far from where I've been.
So far from what I've seen.
So far from what I know as me.
So far from what's sanity.
So close to being deranged.
It's not about the stationaries.
It's not about the money.
It's not about the right or wrong.
I don't even know what it's about anymore.
How can I just have such an outburst all of a sudden?
It's not human.
I kicked and screamed.
I was screeching. Like a dog.
Like a female dog.
Like a bitch.
I was screeching in dog frequency mode. In a frequency that hurts my ears.
In a frequency so high, in a pitch so sharp, it pierced right through my heart.
I lost me.
Where was I?
Where was the Dorcy I knew?
Someone please find me!
I don't want to kick and trash the house, throwing everything in sight.
I don't want to slap my dad on the arm even after he was nice enough to agree to take me out.
I don't want to get kicked for that.
I don't want to blast rock so loud that my eardrums hurt.
I don't want to do what I did.
I don't want to do see what I saw.
I don't wnat to hear what I heard.
I don't want to be what I was.
I was some wild lunatic on the loose. I couldn't stop. I couldn't.
I just kept crying and screeching sounds.
I was so upset. I was so mad.
So mad.
So blinded by my supposed anger.
So blinded that I couldn't see what I was doing.
So blinded that I couldn't even see myself anymore.
My mom came in and told me that I had no right to blast those dreaded sounds that I call music so loud.
She might not be able to control me, but I had to right to interfere with her life.
Was what she said.
I might not be able to tell mom what to do, but she had no right to interfere with my life.
Which is exactly what she's doing by standing in front of my bloodshot eyes that she didn't care to look into.
Was what I said.
What did I do?
Yada Yada.
Yak yak.
I'm sick.
I need a counseller.
I'm scared.
It's freaky, you say?
It is. It is.
I'm freaking myself out.
I've never been like this.
If you can't imagine me kicking
screeching
slapping
throwing
swearing
I assure you. Neither can I.
I think I'm mentally unsound.
My mom doesn't know why I became a nutcase.
She thinks I'm a money-lunatic.
But I'm not.
Thats what it all appears to be.
But it's not.
Not at all.
I can't write anymore.
I'm numb.
I want to cry.
I want to cry.
I want to cry.
I JUST WANT TO CRY.
Throwing you kisses @ 5:54 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
