Saturday, July 02, 2005
okay fine. so this is summer. it's finally over. im eerily calm. no break downs yet. nothing so far. im just me. sitting boredly in front of this hunk of metal.
i've been skipping entries since apr 20. and now its july 2. 1 and half months lack of entries. o well.
i wonder when i'll start catching up. i guess i'll have plenty of time to that to keep myself amused over the summer. in the meantime...
well. grad. what can i say? nothing. absolutely nothing. i cant talk about it without backtracking to the last few days of school and i cant accomplish that by not backtracking to the day at centennial and i cant recount that without talking bout quebec... so heck. imma talk about...
APRIL 20th!!!!just because i have no life and cant talk about the present since i cant let go of the past...
anyhow...
if memory serves, that would be a wednesday. but that is of lil importance right now because what i am about to tell you seems like ages ago and most people don't care about it now anyways.
damn. im hungry. im so flippin' hungry. i need food. i smell food. maybe i'll go eat lunch soon. but no matter. i'll keep writing until i can no longer resist the sweet sweet temptations of that delicious aroma drifting from the kitchen. =)
well... on monday. sar told me that cam broke up with sar because of "lack of common interest".
S: hey
D: ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO :D
S: cam actually called me tonight. guess what he said?
D: ?? !!
S: well, first i picked up the phone. then he said oops. then. i was like what's wrong, and he was like... all stuttery and quiet and he was like i dont think this is working out between us, because our interests and points of view are all different, and then he waslike, so i'm sorry.. but its not working out.
D : you, my dear missy, is going to tell me this is a late april fool's joke
S: :'(
D: ... OMG...
D: you're not pulling my leg??
S: would i do something like that? no. you can ask him yourself.
S: in fact, please please do. if he comes online, ask him.
D: i will...
S: dont be mean.
S: i dont understand:'(
S: :'(
S: why
D: me neither...
D: are you okay right now? i cant tell over msn...
D: god, dont tell me you're breaking down...
D: please dont...
D: do u want me to call?
S: no
S: to give you an idea... you know how at school, i was joking, saying how i wanted to go to sleep and never wake up? well now i'm not joking when i say it.
D: ... sarah... god...
D: WTH HAS GOTTEN INTO THAT STUPID BOY?!?!?!?! i will talk to him.
D: wow, its not registering. did u... did u... try to say anything?
S: no.
S: i didn't know what he was calling for. we never talked on the phone before, so i was happy. and i answered it... and at first i couldn't hear him.. in msn he was saying how he wasn't feeling well or somethign ike that... so he said he would call me because i asked what was wrong. then so i was like, hello...and i knwo it was him. then i was like aww whats wrong? what is it? and then he kind of mumbled/said quietly what i just told you , and i just kind of sat there and said k. i was numb, litterally numb all over. and i wasn't crying. then i hung up the phone, and my mom came in so i acted as if nothing was wrong. then i went to have a shower, and yea
S: now.
D: so are you crying now?
S: ...
D: i dunno, i somehow think that it is important. cause when kaitai stopped liking me... i didn't cry at all. not AT ALL
D: did i tell u that kaitai stopped liking me at one point, and we almost broke up?
S: but you didn't?
D: no. do u want to know details?
S: oh. no
D: okley. u should talk with cam, thats all im saying
D: what cam said didn't help at all, its too cliched. u need to talk, talk does hell of alot. u c bree, and she broke up because she didn't talk with liam for a month. then melissa, david was like that too. then shar, the summer broke it up. you need to talk. ask him
S: but i can't. i just can't. i don't know how i'm going to face him.
S: im going to bed. bye
i felt like crying. i didn't know what to say to sarah at that point. it was just too much. too much to her to take, and too much information for my head to register. i cant believe i still feel the pinch when im writing this 2 months later.
it just wasn't fair to sarah. she loved cam and i thought cam loved her too. we all thought they were the perfect couple. what happened? and i felt horrible, not for any reason in particular. i just did.
i could only pray that night that cam hadn't dumped sar for emma. or for some shallow reasons.
sar is strong. she can hide things. good. she loved cam. she wouldn't want to cause cam any hurt. note how she told me not to be mean. so i didn't tell anyone about a word that sar told me. because i know for sure that some of the girls would take this the wrong way and make a big deal out of it. not saying i dont want to. i just choose not to. because im still cam's friend and there's just no point in making a big deal out of it. but keith is another story altogether.
anyhow. back to the story on wednesday. during the lineup for pizza lunch. suz told court that sar had broken up with cam. and so it spreads. and mel found out as did the rest of the gifteds in a matter of lunchtime. mel started crying and made a HUGE deal out of it.
sure, i always knew she cried easily but please please go cry in a little corner. dont make a scene because the only reason why sarah did not mention this to you is that she wants it down low until people have to find out. she most definitely did not ask for sympathy, nor your frustrated ventings at cam. by making a scene out of it, you would only be embarrasing both cam and sarah. making cam look like a shallow bastard and sarah an incapable angsty teenager. which of course, is not what they are.
one other thing. how many people actually cared with sarah and cam hooked up? close to 2. that's IT. TWO. T-W-O two! and then you see the entire schoolyard bursting out in their discontentment at the break up. why do you care when they break up and not when they hook up? that is plain hypocricy. why bother pretending that you care when things get out of hand?
of course, that is the smart thing to do. extend your helping hand in people's worst hour of need to show how much you "care" but you didn't care enough to always be there for sarah, isn't your angst incredibly hypocritical? of course, im sure no one meant to be "fake", because you're not. you showed that you actually cared. but maybe its best we not cry/ scream/ put people down when there's a break up. because if you just found out that day, i wonder how much you actually know about the relationship itself when it was still in full bloom...
Throwing you kisses @ 8:02 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
