Friday, May 27, 2005
i hate grad. i hate grad. i hate grad.
wth am i crying?!?! someone tell me why!! i have never NEVER cried over grad yet. never ever. not this year. well, maybe except for twice when i was with mel and bree. but i have never just sat there and started crying before. so why now?!?! i dont want to cry. i dont! i dont!!! not when there's only 22 school days, including quebec, left. i want to spend my last month with laughter and giggles.
i remember in the beginning of the year. i was so nerve wrecked about making new friends. i hated JGA so much. i tried so hard to like JGA. and now im in love. im in love with JGA. and now i cant let go. why??? why??? would it have been better had i hated this school like i did last year?? would it be easier for me to let go?? i want to be able to let go, and just shrug everything off. i want to just think of graduation as some form of relieve. like last year, i count to the end of the school year, marking each and everyday off my calendar, fingers crossed that the last day of school would soon be here. and now? i stomped around the house, cussing and spazzing at the empty walls, wishing everything would just rewind themselves, and play themselves over and over again until... until... until... the end of time.
i wouldn't care if you made me go through term 2 again. i wouldn't care. i wouldn't care. because if nothing ever happened in term 2, i wouldn't be crying just thinking about quebec, about graduation, about the last day of school, about the summer. i didn't know what came over me. it's just i realized, i cant let go. i cant. i simply cant let go now.
then i turn around and ask myself. what am i truly holding onto? what is it that i cant let go of? it's the people. it's always the people. i will miss everyone. i will. i will. but im not going to lie to myself or to my blog as i sit here an hour after everyone from queens have gotten off from their train. what right did i have to be crying over them. i realize i will miss them. but how long have i truly been at JGA? not long not long at all. everyone that i care about for have friends that have known and loved them longer. everyone wants to be missed and loved. i know. i know. but when paranoia hits me, i cant help but question am i really that close enough to cry over them. everyone's known each other longer than i have know them. perhaps im just softie. perhaps im just a stupid emotional git who cries for her own good.
would i be crying had i said goodbye to kaitai instead of avoiding him today after school? after running 1km around the hydro field. i saw kaitai sitting outside. i couldn't and wouldn't go outside to say goodbye to him. there were too many ppl outside for me to say anything. and to be honest, this may come off souding extremely dumb and idiotic, the only thing i feel comfortable doing with kaitai in public is arguing/ fighting wiht him. i would not talk (just regular non-screaming talking), hug, much less kiss him in the public's eye.
today, i dilli dallied inside of school, trying to catch him with my eye... i didn't want to go outside, mostly because i knew almost no one out there, namely all the random skaters that practices everyday but never gets any better. there wasn't much point of me going outside anyways. would i be expected to strike up a convo with kaitai? yes. would i be expected to give him hugs and kisses in front of those nincompoops? yes. would i have been expected to act on a pure friendly level with kaitai in front of anderson (she was leaving for home)? yes. would i be expected to do all of the above? yes.
but...
would kaitai want me to strike up a "friendly" convo with him that he knows i am perfectly incapable to accomplish? maybe. would kaitai have wanted me to hug and kiss him in front of everyone that i'm barely acquaintances with? maybe. would he have wanted all of those and be perfectly comfortable with the PDA's? maybe.
then again...
would i be comfortable with getting "friendly" with kaitai in front of all those ppl? no, not now. would i be capable of talking comfortably under the watchful eyes of those retards and ms. anderson? no, not now. would i know how to initiate a proper awkard-free convo? no, not then.
if only i knew what kaitai really liked or wanted, then that might change my answers. there're alot of things that i thought i'd never do with a guy until now when it actually happened. did i really change to suit his likings? maybe. maybe not. most of the time, i just go with whats happening and gets leaded on (in a good way). kinda like waltzing i guess. you never where or how far you'll go unti you start dancing and the guy leads you.
and it wasn't just the fact that ppl were there that made me paranoid, the fact that he's getting picked up by his parents... well, lets just say i dont wanna meet his rents just yet. they dont like me remember? so i left him with the weekend of baseball not saying one goodbye, not one hug, not one kiss...
Throwing you kisses @ 9:59 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
