Sunday, May 01, 2005
I shall skip ahead to yesterday, i'll just have to move this entry back when i organize my blog then.
it was another ordinary saturday consisted of me doing absolutely worthless nothings and blogging. there wasn't much i can write that would thrill the readers but instead, bree got into uts.
she told me on msn, saying that she has something that would make me scream at her forever and honestly that was my first reaction when she told me. i wanted to scream so bad, so hard, so loud that my lungs would burst and just completely erase what i was feeling. she got into uts. she got into uts. those words repeated over and over again in my head. it's like htat over n over again song by nelly, it just keep going on, repeating themselves, and annoying the heck outta you. bree got into uts.
i wanted to scream. but i couldn't. something was holding me back. i dont know what. every lil nerve inside of me told me to just let go and scream until i faint due to lack of oxygen. to scream, to scream, if only that will make her stay, stay with us, stay with us for high school. i want to scream my head off at her, at her brilliance, at her acceptance into uts. i want to chain her to a chair and just scream at her. or maybe just chain her to something so she wouldn't leave us.
but i didn't do any of the above. i've been told by mel that im the logical one. am i? if i am that logical, i wouldn't be having those rush of feelings, i wouldn't be frantically typing away at the computer now because i would be able to sustain everything inside me. but apparently, im still emotional as anything.
i didnt know what to tell bridget. she suddenly seemed so far away. bree... might she still be our bree? our mishai buzzi bee? our mitz? our koko? our moz? our prada? or is she just going to be bridget, a name that we once acquainted our empty souls with. a name that no longer carries any meaning to us? the name sounded so distant last night. it felt as if it was graduation day and i can paint myself a picture of the group of us hugging, then we were saying goodbye holding each others trembling hands vowing never to let go. then we'd go home, go to high school. and bree, i would hold her hand and we would be going separate ways. we'd be farther and farther apart until our hands would slip and our fingertips would brush against each others and with tears in my eyes, i'd look away and walk tall and proud to mci, not daring to look back, because i know those tears would never fail to betray what i truly feel.
im a selfish girl. i am, i am. i want ppl to stay with me. what better example than kaitai? but lets not get on a tangent here. i want bree to stay with me. i want to scream at her, hoping that'll make her stay. but i didn't scream. i didn't. instead i calmly congratulated her and told her all my options in a list. honestly, maybe logic had taken over and i know that screaming would do no one any good, so i didn't. so i kept everything within myself. or maybe it was the fact that bridget had predicted my responce. she knew i would scream at her. she knew, she knew straight from the beginning. was i out to prove her wrong? was i out to prove something? perhaps.
what kind of friend would i be to scream at bridget when she got into one of the best high schools in the city? a horrible, atrocious, disgusting one. did bridget figure that out? is that why she knew i was going to scream at her after she'd divulged her piece of information with me? maybe. maybe.
did bree want to get into uts? on the surface no. on the surface, everything seems to be passive. she seems to be doing the test, writing her resume, preparing for the interview because of her parents. it sounded as if it was her parents thats making her do everything. but is that really true? i doubt it. i highly doubt it. bridget isn't that kind of person. her parents have taken over one of her biggest decision in her teenage years the way it seemed. and is any one of us truly that easily pushed over by our parents. maybe me, i dont know. but not mel, not bridget, not kristen, not anyone else i know. i know i may be weak. but those around me definitely arent. had bridget really wanted to escape the peril of uts, she would have done something. but she didn't.
as much as i'd bree to stay with us and mess up her interviews and what not, i understand that, like any azn kid with pushy azn parents, there's a burning desire to get into that school. it's the fact that you dont want all your hard work to go down the drain, it's the fact that you want to prove to yourself that you can make it into that school. it's the fact that you want to shut ur parents up, prove to them that you're not the tramp that they say you'll become. it's also the fact that you like that school. admit it or not, bree wanted to get into uts, whether or not if it was to prove anything to herself or to anyone else.
i noe, had i been in bridget's shoes, i'd probably have made the same choice and decision, thus i highly respect the fact that she chose to shine her brilliance upon those interviewers and stun them with her superior intellect. maybe that's why i didn't scream at her as i originally thought i would and should. maybe i realized in the back of my mind how horrible of a friend i would be had i chosen to scream at her. it's her choice, her decision, her life. i'll be making it no easier had i pressured her. it wouldn't do either of us any good. besides, she didn't need to make any decisions for at least a couple days yet. i'll fret then.
partly, i want bree to go to uts. really, it's a good school. as much as i'd love for her to come to mci with me, i realize that she shouldn't forsake her future for her friends. not saying that she wouldn't have a future at mci or she should ditch her friends for the materialistic life she might have. that's not what im implying at all. really, if bridget worked so hard, as i know she had, she deserves every single right in the world to go to that school and trample everyone there.
im thinking how i can write this down without making it seem like i want to kick bree outta my life or forcing her to stay with me. i realize i cant do that. so no matter.
bree, its your life, you make the choice. i'll be behind you always and i'll always love you.wait a minute, am i trying to kick bree outta my life? no, not in the least. but look at who's leaving. rach, lex, suz, mitri, mike, shar, david, cam and kaitai. everyone said that they were going to mci. did they? no. where were the promises u left with us? whatever happened to staying together always? tell me! WHAT HAPPENED?!!?!?! now bree. i have the distinct intuition that she'll be joining the list. go ahead and leave bree, its not like not enough ppl aren't leaving yet. I HATE YOU ALL!! I HATE YOU ALL FOR LEAVING ME!! I HATE YOU ALL!! GO AHEAD AND LEAVE CRYING AT NIGHT!! go ahead and pretend that you'll come back, go ahead and fulfill your ego that you're big and tough and dont give a damn about leaving everyone, go ahead and leave me. go ahead and make me cry my eyes out. add to my list of leaving friends so i can finally drown myself in my tears at night and not having to wake up and face the same things over again. go! just go! everyone jsut leave me! mel, kristen, lily, may, madz, joy why dont u all leave too?!?!? just leave, and i'll be happie to cry myself asleep every night and never have to wake up again because i'd have used up every single ounce of my soul to mourn for myself. let me be selfish without anything holding me back, let me hate you without anything beating up my conscience...
Throwing you kisses @ 10:48 AM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
