Sunday, May 08, 2005
April 16me and lilz spent the day outside, doing whatever we could get our hands on. lilz even managed to convince a bunch of younger kids to prank shayan's door... -_-' the thing is, shayan opened the door before the girls could even knock on it. lilz got so "weirded out" that she dragged some girl in front her to hide herself. lolz. that was so funnay.
but now skipping the unimportant shayan guyiee, we move to kaitai's phone call.
anyways, he called and the subject of track n field came up. kaitai, for some bizarre reason wants me to make the track team. well, digressing a bit. i remember the badminton tryouts. kaitai was genuinly not happie about me not being able to make the team. i cant say that he was upset, disappointed or anything but he wasn't happie. it sounded like he really wanted to make the team, and honestly, so did i. i honestly thought i had a chance, but i suppose not. there were so many factors that might have contributed to me not making the team that if i started listing them again, it'll be like im looking for excuses to excuse myself from not having enough athletic ability to make the team.
it's the same thing with the vball. there was this one day during a co-ed vball pratice when i was loitering the school, he found me on one of his water/bathroom breaks and said, "WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE THE VBALL TEAM?!?! that could be you in there!" and ran back into the gym to burn more calories. well, either teams, i honestly dont feel comfortable with the tryouts. i should have been on both teams. i should have. of course, this is just me getting cocky. but that's okay. you know what? i would really love to be cocky without having to realize that im actually being cocky. or to just say that im the best without feeling reprecautions. maybe its just me, i can never say im the best, or say im better than someone else unless i noe for a certain fact that they are far below my level... say like brian in math. as much as i think to myself how im the greatest living creature to ever grace the face of this planet, i can never truly admit it, not in real life, and definitely not in my blog. its so sad. i cant even say im better than kaitai in math because he's pretty good himself. ah screw it. i'll just be the nice lil girl that is always second best to everyone else. gahhhhh!! screw my stupid logic and conscience.
so now kaitai's goal for me is for me to miss that day when all the jocks n jockettes are at centennial. he told me to. i wanted to make it. u know i do. i know for a fact that im not great at anything but i know i dont suck either. i wanted to make it. i really did. so i told him, i'll try but if i dont make it, so there. and he proceeded to tell me how i have no backbone and i really need to work myself. i dont remember what he said exactly then. but i knew he was trying to make myself confident of myself by telling me that i can do it, as long as i start training and setting my mind on it. but the more he tried to work/ cheer me up, the more depressed i got.
it wasn't him at all. it was me. he was being so awfully supportitive. he knows that i wanted to make those athletic teams but doesn't have the determination or harshness to do it, so he's doing what he can the best way, him being a guy knows how to. but the point is, im talking to him...
him. it really doesn't help to look at yourself and realize how flabby and unathletic you are and take a good look at the one person u care for and would want to impress the most only to realize how he's super good at almost every single sport there is, because its in his blood. i tried explaining this to kaitai, but i never got the words outta my mouth, i started crying instead and he comforted me. i wish i was good, good enough to make him proud of me, good enough to make myself proud of who i am...
Throwing you kisses @ 5:29 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
