Sunday, March 13, 2005
i hate it. i really do. i hate myself. i hate the way how i always manage to screw everything up. y cant i just shut up and leave everything be? why cant i just let myself swallow my pride and be sensible for once?? y do i never find the right words to say? why do i alienate everyone from me?
i hate it. i really do. im always the one apologizing. im not the only one thats sarcastic, im not the only one thats protective bout what she wants, im not the only one that has ideas, im not the only one that gets hurt when u reject me, so why should i be taking all the shit from everyone, when i have to apologize for everything i do?? i sound ungrateful for everything that i have, but im really sick and tired of apologizing. i know im not the smartest person alive, and im dont say the smartest thing at times. sometimes wrong with me. im not finding excuses for myself. i know im stupid and retarded and should just be left alone to die but i cant help but feel hurt. i dont get it. if you diss me, tease me, put me down, squash me, demand everything of me, why should i take everything you give me, and be expected to keep smiling when you get mad at me at the lil-est thing i say or do? i fear losing you. you know i do. so why do you say the things you do? i have the right to be pissed, i like any other human in the world, am allowed to be pissed, but i choose not to, cause i love you so much. its not worth it to dilute our relationship (friendship or love blehhhh) with words. but it hurts. you cant tell me to be a certain way and expect me to take it when you never do what you say.
do you ever try putting up with everything ppl say about you? i put up with it because i love you. not because im soft, not because im push aroundable. but because i love you all so much, yet you choose to hurt me. you choose to hurt me. i wnat to cry. i do. i dont want to be soft, i dont want to be pushed around. i want to stop being so nice to you. cause you hurt me so. jsut because im usually nice, doesn't mean i always have to be. you're not, so whats to stop me from being mean occasionally? why's it when i do that, u start spazzing, and when u do that, im expected to act as if you're angel sent from above to light my day. i want to be bad, i want to stop caring. but i cant. because im so damn scared of losing everyone. im so scared. so scared that one day i'll lose everything that i've loved or cared for, like so many times in my life. i've lost so many things... i've lost touch with so many ppl that i once poured my heart to. i wnat to believe friends last a lifetime, but thye dont. i want to believe that parents are always supposed 2 be there to bring you support and comfort, but thhey dont. i want to believe friends will always be there for you, but they're not. i want to believe that love lasts a thousand years, but im only 14 and that'll never happen to someone like me. i need to be strong but im not. im everything that i hate. im selfish, im stupid, im bratty, im ugly, im overly sensitive, and im a green-eyed lil lust monster.
i noe im expecting too much from everyone. i know im exaclty like everyone else. im no one extraordinary. i just wish everyone would just let me be sometimes. just give me a break. give me a lil room to breathe, give me a lil space to let my tears run in silence. i hate it. i care and i know like everyone else, they care about what ppl say too. but why should i be left here to cry when its so late at night? im always the one apologizing because im so scared of losing them. are they not scared of losing me? how i wish i could just shrug everything everyone says about me and let it all be. but i cant. one look is enough to kill, as long as its from someone that i care about, which is almost everyone. i try to make everyone happie. a too noble dream. its true and its never going to get me anywhere. i want to be bad, i'd try then i'd always go back to being the lil soft girl that i am because i want to hold on to you all as hard as i can, because believe it or not, we're going to drift apart eventually. im so scared that being bad will make you hate me, make you loathe me, make you shun me. so i'd do all i can to please you all. its me. no, its not a hypocritical effort to get on everyone's good side. i only try because making you happie sets my conscience at ease. but im still hurt, hurt so deep that its pains me to taken in each breathe of air that contains ur essence. i want you to love me, i need you to love me, so please dont hurt me. but if ppl only love you if you're a certain way, do the really love you? i dont know. theres no real unselfish ppl in the world so i cant answer that.
i dont want to lose anyone. i really dont. what with grad and all, i guess its just a stupid day in general. i feel like im screwing everything up. my grades aren't the best right now, im not on agreeable terms wiht my rents, and im constantly saying the wrong stuff, and the one thing that has been going right, which is kaitai, i almost manage to screw up and just lose everything. you have no idea how that wednesday night felt. to know that he might just leave you in the ditch to die alone. i wished i didn't have him, than i'd have nothing to lose. but now i do, if i screw up, i'd lose everything. i have everything to lose. y cant i jsut be normal?? to hear his voice on the phone saying thsoe words cut me deep. dont scare me. i love him so much, and all of a sudden, i felt like i had nothing. nothing left to hold on to. nothing at all. i felt like crying but i cant even tell him that, cause i dont want to be a burden. i wnat him to be happie but if he was happie, i'd be devastated. i cried. i'd let my tears wet my pillow and sob myself to bed and wake up in a puddle of desperate tears. somehow i'd managed to save it from the depths of ruins, so im good again. sorta, but with so many nerves missing from this end of the head, i dont know how long i'd be able to keep everyone loving me. i feel so lost... so trivia, so small in this city, flickering with lights to keep the night sky lit, lit for ppl like me to gaze out the window and realize that i dont even have a single spark of light keeping my passion from burning out...
Throwing you kisses @ 10:11 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
