Friday, March 25, 2005
okay, so today im home again. wonder if i can do anything special. well. i was hoping to go shopping tomorrow, but when i confronted my rents yesterday night about that, it was a definite no, the reason being i have been the worst kid imaginable recently. well. before i start on a rant bout how much my rents suck and stuff. i'll come clean off and admit my own mistakes.
i know im not the most pleasant girl to have in da families at times. i mean, i look at kaitai and liam and their parents are on such good terms with them, that i cant help but wonder what went wrong with me. okay, so i dont want to do the things they want me to do, which is do math and learn chinese all my march break. but i mean, which kid dont have their differences with their parents? i was so sure i could work everything out. but i guess i was wrong. my parents are so stubborn, as am i. guess it runs in da family huh? im no longer the conventional 110% chinese schoolgirl that i used to be, the sweet too-easygoing girl that they want me to be. it's a change, but a change that they will have to get used to. theres no way i can go through all i have gone through and not have changed one single bit. its not 2 centureis ago in china anymore. they gotta realize that this is canada now and they gotta move with da times. somehow they dont want to change. truth be told, no one wants to change, but you all have to, at one point or another. and if everything else round you changes, theres no way you can make everyone else the way you want them to be, the only way to survive and happy is for yourself to change. so if all your friends are living in canada, your 14 year old daughters living in canada, y dont you start dragging yourself out of the dictorial household and realize that i have equal rights as you do? i know i should be helping round the house more, and i know i havne't been doing the best job of that. but im trying. are you trying to stop screaming at me? i dont get it, if you want me to willingly do things for you, for the family, for me, wouldn't it make much more sense if you just talk nicely and calmly to me as i try my best to do when i talk to you. it really doesn't help when you scream at me to get out of bed each morning when im the earliest riser usually, and the one day i sleep in, you scream the hell outta yourself. alright i will stop. i like just not caring bout anything recently and just allow their screams and yells float in through the right ear and go winding out the left. i want to think that they still love me, but the way they have been doing things... it just doesn't add up.
GOD FUCK IT. i was talking to eric, may and shar and all of a sudden she wants me to do the laundry (not just MY laundry but THE laundry) in that instant, i tell her i'll do it 5 minutes later after i said goodbye and what not and she just walked over and shut the power off. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SHE DOING?!?! i sooooo wanna swear at her right now. and at my dad too. they just walk in and expect me to drop everything and do what they want me to do. why the fucking hell dont they jsut get a fucking dumbass robot to do their fucking chores? i will do those chores. i even closed msn and proceeded to do the laundy but that ... woman just has to turn off my computer, no matter i was saying to my friends at that time. GODAMIT!! ahhhhhhhhhh its not fair. i wanna move out. you hate me and i hate you, so why the bleeping hell am i doing in this fucked up family?? ahhhhhhhh. y am i swearing so much?? why do i even care?? god, wth do they tke me as?? i wouldn't mind doing everything but the shitty attitude they have been giving me is too much to take. i want to love them. i tried to love them. but do they giving me, themselves a fucking chance? im not like mel. i have my guilts moments ago when i was writing this, my guilts bout how i wasn't doing the best i could, and how nice they have been to me. but now, my conscience is cleared. godamit. the whole laundry thing seems trivia. but does she EVER stop and think and use that thick fat whoozy brain of hers to stand in my shoes and feel what its like to be screamed at during every waking moment of her life?? noooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooO. all she does is scream and scream and scream. she doesn't even break anything negative nicely to me, like bridgets parents. they dont scream that much, they dont let her do certain things, but they dont scream at her either. do you know how big a blow it is to have someone that you have to learn to live with and love throughout the rest of your fucking lives to scream how much of a failure and a retard to you?? do you know the kinda stuff they say to me? excuse me if im swearing like anything now. but guess waht? my parents swear at me. yes u heard me, tehy swear at me. wahtever happened to not swearing in front of your kids for a positive influence. all they tell me now is how they wish i would rot in fucking hell, and "fuck, i wish i could kill you", fuck this, fuck that, fuck me, kill this, kill that, kill me. wow. i really do have a wownderful life dont i? i shouldnt be complaining, i shouldn't be grumbling and swearing at this block of senseless metal right now. but what else can i do? im not allowed to talk on the phone, im not allowed on msn no longer, god fuck it, im alienated from the rest of the world. and guess waht? theres not many ppl out there thats willing to listen to me talk shit bout my parents. yes yes, i know the drill. they only scream at you because they love you. my bleeping foot. if they really loved me, they wont be putting me thorugh EVERYTHING that i detest. if they truly loved me, they would stop screaming and swearing at me every spare minute that i get. (wtfh ever happened to keeping vulgarities outta lil kids coughfyercough????) if they truly loved me, they wont wish me rot in hell or end up as some bleeping prostitude on the side of the roads when i grow up. if they truly loved me, they would be anything but themselves. they claim that im not helping out around the house. h-hem, excuse me? im 14, yet already i babysit 4 hours a day LEAST. wait a minute... isn't that wat parents are for??? hmm... lets think. i do the chores u make me do, i try my best to get good grades. now if memory serves, weren't u the one that told me that fucking grades r my priorities in life? i try not to go shopping as much as i possibly can. you know what? i cant even feel guilty right now. if my grades are slipping, its because of that one bleeping interview u had with anderson that screwed up the rest of my year. if i give you attitude, its because you never fail to scream every word that you possibly can scream adn you never fail to find a way to scream the words that weren't meant to be screamed. if i dont do my chores as often as i used to, its because your bleeping annoying voice keeps bugging me in the back of my friggin head and wont give me a single minutes peace, so i needa engross myself in msn or my music or phone calls to drain away what you jsut bleeping said to me so i can actually do something. if im always in a bad mood, its because you've only added to my stress each and every single day and ctu me awy from my only ways of stress relieving. my music, my friends, my social activities. everyone thinks you're da greatest parents ever to let me go to everything, but guess what? how much sacrifices do i have to make in order for that to be true. and most of the time, you let me go only because you have no more uses for me and i had to hitch a ride or watever it was. i dont like hitching rides thank you very much. i really dont get you. i really have nothing left to feel guilty about anymore. you're not kaitai's parents who listen to his arrangements to spend bonding time. you're not like mel's parents who try to make her happie by granting her parties and taking her shopping. you're not like bree's parents who actually manage to keep a soothing tone even though they aren't that calm themselves. you're not like anyone's parents who at least do SOMETHING to keep their kid happie. all you ever do is make me sad and depressed and angsty and mad at the world and so suicidal that i wanna kill everyone else with me. so i thank you, for making me the most depressed, ansty, mad at the world, likely-to-become-a-suicide-bomber kid. btw, if anyone finds a reason that i shouldn't be that way... tell me. plz do. i need a surge of guilt to like my parents again... god i feel like swearing some more..... GOD FUCK THOSE JACKASSES.
Throwing you kisses @ 2:03 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
