Tuesday, January 18, 2005
at this point, i can only say...
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKhjin1v 8 nvp5q!$"#T$%YL^# :UYThoipu !@%^#$&%^&JDCVBH JYMK^TUI C qwdfm opj[0j6 bz45toqy39vr80 yrvnrjt fnlvgk3^#^&$%*&(%%^&@$#@%$#^%* asjdfop3q4uht
SCREW IT ALL.
now at this point, would all of you ignore the vulgarities above and dont mind whatever is about to come.
my world is going under. everything that i once cared for is either, messed, screwed or gone. I feel like ripping everything i can see in sight up, shred it to tiny smithereens and grind it to nothingness with the soles of my shoes. PLEASE tear me up and throw me away. please just cut me up and leave wounds all over my body, just please please throw me away. wth is this??? i have no purpose whatsoever to live anymore. y do i even bother??
it was freezing in the morn, as usual. got to school, everything was good until the history test. i messed up MAJOR!!! i screwed up on my match up. EVERYTHING i did on that test was wrong, and my essay question... i didn't do number 1, which was what we were supposed to do... and she wont let me redo it. i broke into tears... for 3 seconds. then i called them back. IM NOT GOING TO CRY. i dont care if i explode. im going to laugh it all off. give me a million stabs, give me a tillion punches, and i'll still be alive, alive but dead inside. but this empty shell shall come back to haunt you and cause you all the pain that u caused it. i can keep all my feelings bottled up, i can keep all my anger within myself. but eventually, somethings gonna pop and SCREW YOU!!! screw you ms anderson for making my life so miserable, screw you ms anderson for being such a bitch, screw you ms anderson for putting me through child torture, screw you ms anderson for forcing me to memorize 71 pages, screw you ms anderson for stabbing my bleeding heart, screw you ms anderson for not giving me a second chance, screw you ms anderson for thinking i need special attention, screw you ms anderson for just for being you. im normal, cant you see that??? im fine, im alright, but you have to come and tear my world apart. you cant let me lead my normal life, you ruined everything. everything i thought about myself is gone. i have nothing to hold onto rite now. im just here, just there, no one gives a dawmn about me. you pretend to care, but you dont really. you hate me with your guts. you pretend to like me, but inside you hate me, and it shows!!! through every single thing that you do. go ahead and put me down. go ahead and wreck my life. its what you want isn't it?? no one will care. no one will care that dorcy is depleted from this stupid world, no one will mind dorcy's non-existence. no one will notice that dorcy is gone. so throw me away, abandon me, ditch me, kick me and watch me squirm on the ground, clutching at wat is the remains of me. throw me over the cliff and watch me fall and hear my screams. not screams of fear, but screams of hate, of vengence, of utmost detest that will pierce through the silence of the superficial world and pierce through your heart. watch my tears fly behind me. you will only laugh at my weekness, at my uselessness. so go ahead, insult me, bitch at me, hit me, kick me, torture me, kill me. i'll be dead. but it beats living in this stupid world where no one cares. when im dead. i wont know anything. i can forget about going to heaven, i dont deserve it. i know i dont. im not a good person. i shouldn't be swearing but you caused this, you bitch!!! so to hell with it all. i can go to hell, but you wouldn't mind. i should be depleted from this world. my blog is nothing but a bunch of scrambled words put together to cause its readers to hate the writer. so hate me, detest me, loathe me, just completely kick me out of your lives. im nothing to anyone. i care bout so many things, so many ppl, but hardly anything ever comes out of it. i always end up with nothing, i dont mind. but do not take awya from the little that i have left to cling onto. and now, i have NOTHING, nothing for me to keep living in the pathetic lil world. so just slit my wrists and watch my blood gush into the ocean where its insignificance will be washed away. i want to watch all that blood flow out of my body... drop by drop, and watch myself fade away. i'll fade away into nothingness, no one will ever know about my existence. they shouldn't know, i'll just be another piece of useless memory that doesn't need to be there. so if you are still reading this, ignore it and move on to something for purposeful that will make benefit you.
screw lunch too... i had dumplings but i cannot enjoy them. i wanted to sit with kaitai... but i wont. he doesn't care about me anyways. all he cares is his 34 bottles of pop. SCREW YOU AND YOUR POP KAITAI!! you dont know a thing about how i feel, you dont know how much i cry for you, you dont know how my heart aches for you. you should be better off dead. but i love you, so i dont want you dead... so instead, just murder me. leave me senseless upon the ground to feel the harshness of reality. i dont deserve to be alive. im jealous and only god and i shall share that secret. i shouldn't be jealous but i am... of wat i will never have and never hope to possess. so let me smash my dreams into a thousand pieces, crush my romantic notions into crumbles, and shred my heart into nothingness. you cant stop me, no one can, except for one, but that one will never know of what i truly feel and he will never truly care. so im as good as dead. im dead, nothing but an empty shell filled with stupid emotions that shouldn't be there. if im dead, i shouldn't feel all this pain and hurt, but why am i crying while im writing all this??? please stop this pain. please stop it. i beg you. stop this torture. stop making me cry, stop making me hurt, stop making me ache. o god, please please stop this madness. i need to get over him, i need to stop loving him, i need to erase him... but i cant! i cant!! help me. HELP ME!!! i want to forget him... i really really do. but he wont let me. nothing in me would give up. but i know i'll only end up having more breakdowns. making my eyes more bloodshot, my heart aching harder. STOP IT!!! please... please... please... i dont want to care for him, i dont want to listen to him, i dont want to see him, i dont want to look at him, i dont want to pin for him, i dont want to mind what hey says, I DONT WANT TO LOVE HIM!!! stop it!! make it sopt!!! its just not fair... not fair at all... if he wont love me, then please give me a reason to forget him. i dont hate him... just dont make this last any longer. STOP IT!!! Its not fair... i curl into a little ball and shrink away into a corner, watching him, watching him with... o god... i need to stop... but i cant. i cant even stop my fingers from typing all this. i hate this. i hate myself. just kill me please. im so useless. i cant do anything but cry. i cant tell this to my friends, i'll only become more of a downer. i want to be happy, i want to be able to keep a smiling face at all times. everyone loves a cheery soul. i cant cry in school. no one'll love me then. kaitai already hates me for oweing him 34 bottle of pop, and i cant make it any worse. just stop my tears. rip my heart out, so i dont feel anything. take away all my emotions, take away all my happieness, take away all my fear, take away all my depression, take away all my hurt, take away everything that makes me feel. i dont need them to surround me and torture me any longer. enough is enough. im a worst weakling imaginable. i promised i wont cry anymore, but i do. its not fair at all. then again, like kaitai said, "expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like a bull not to charge you because you are vegetarian". kaitai kaitai kaitai. I HATE YOU. sigh, what is hate but tortured love. pfsh. spare me. i know you dont like me. so give me a reason to feel the same towards you. dont leave me standing and watching you from afar, knowing that i'm not and never will be part of your life. you will never know what this heart feels for you and when you do, this heart will be broken, broken beyond repair. you can tape back the pieces, but the blood shall not flow because you aren't here to give me strength. you will never love me cause im an insignificant lil creature who isn't worthy of your noting. you deserve someone prettier, happier, smarter and more talented than me...
then in the afternoon, it was great, me and may made a real perty bear for ... not telling yet in DT and gym was fun, even though we couldn't keep the ball up for 2 minutes, which is really pathetic. but hey, least it was fun. then come drama, when she showed us the marks we got for drama. and it was just pure crap. 82%. great... so its official, im failing math, science, history, AND drama. i sound like an ungrateful brat who shouldn't be complaining. but a lot of times, unless you're in someone else's shoes, you wont know what they are going through. 82% isn't a bad mark, but where i struggle to survive, thats similar to failing. at this point, if you are still reading, you should have known better than read onwards. so stop right here. good, now that you're not reading... i'll teel you how bad i felt about this whole thing. i guess im okay with it now. it wasn't like that in class, i was soo miserable. i felt like crying but then i saw mel, and she was all upset, and i decided that the class didn't need two teary ppl crampin our style. so i sucked it all up and tried to look happy when ppl popped by and asked my grades. so that was that until she asked ppl for the monologue number they were gonna do. i was going to show her which one i was going to do today. i know that i had put this thing off long enough. so i told her and she started screaming in my ears, right in front of everyone too. i had to shrug it all off, not letting any emotion show through. and so i made my way to my seat and started sulking. i couldn't cry. but everything earlier in the day made me feel like crying. there was the weight of the whole 6 hours weighing down upon my sagging shoulders and i feel lungs being constricted and them shrinking and gasping from lack of air. my head went whoozy and everything was just a huge blur. i hear the anger and sadness buzzing in my head and nothing else made sense. all i could was the anger drumming against my ears. i felt my cheeks heating up but no one would know anywyas, my cheeks are always pale, even on the coldest winter days, hottest summer heat, most vigorous sports, my cheeks are always pale... like a person from the dead. o well, i s'pose it suits me, i am dead, am i not? or will be soon. i couldn't bring myself to cry in class and be a complete downer, so i sat, pretending to doodle, with everyone ignoring me, which is fine by me, since i dont want anyone to see that broken face of mine. i saw mel being completely upset, and that just made me mad, not sad anymore. any form of depression or humiliation was chased away and replaced with pure anger. the type of anger that just tries to break you down and makes you cry. but i couldn't cry, i dont want to be that moppy girl that brings everyone's spirits down. i'm sick and tired of everyone worrying about me. it made me feel so horrible. as terrible as i may feel inside, i need to keep those feelings to myself. no one loves a crying face and i needed my friends at this time, just being there, i dont need no words of comfort. and i couldn't risk them shunning me because im constatly broken. no words would do me any good, except those from kaitai's lips that i will die to hear, but those words wont ever be uttered to me, so all i can do now, is let the wind caress my tear-streaked face, and my lift my sagging shoulders as i dragged myself home.
Throwing you kisses @ 3:39 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
