Sunday, January 09, 2005
i walked into school, still semi-depressed with the morning and sat myself down at my desk, staring at the empty wall in front of me... so empty... just like me.
then kaitai came strutting in with his books, wearing his red sweater and white pants... nothing like a real celebrity, even though he claims to be this distant relative of a cbc host, but he's every bit my celebrity. ^^ but i dont know, he caught my eyes when he stepped into the room, but i wouldn't allow my eyes to linger on him... so i turned my head again to face the wall. still staring at it, a million thoughts churning in my mind, so many thoughts that i haven't the faintest clue what i was thinking. then everyone else came in, and i plastered on that face that i chose to get me through another day. the one with that ridiculous smile doodled on. i sat, hollow and purposeless. i spent the morning just staring at my work and pretending to work, when inside, all purposes are lost. i didn't know why then. i figured it must be the interview that drove me to my senseless state. nothing got done during science, we sat, talking. thats all i seem to be able to do now with the girls. i feel like such a downer, dragging everyone that i cared about into my void of unhappyness. and i swear to god, i dont like that. i tried to show that i was ok, but i guess my smiled was drawn on with a broken pencil, cause apparently everyone realized i wasn't ok. (he was carrying bree's stuff to science... minor detail that i noticed there...)
i didn't cry that morning in school, a feat, the way i see it. i don't know how i made it through though. my eyes were dry even though they're outta focus. have you ever reached the extend where you're so lost and shattered that you want to cry so bad, but no tears would come? well, it was either that, or i had suddenly became ms independent again. i sat through math... being bored, not doing any actual work, listening to kaitai and liam's pointless arguments, his voice reverberating in my ears, summoning my tears. and i would dive back to work again, and focus my energy on how much i hate ms anderson for not reading my 2 hour long answers. but i cant seem to shut his voice out. the way i would picture his face when i refused to turn back and look at him drives me crazy. i can control my actions but i cant control my thoughts, i can control my tears from overflowing, but i cant control them forming. i hear him talking with b about math and everything from last night just rushed back. his convo with dimitri formed themselves line by line in my head. i shut my eyes and i was readng those words again, those words that so painfully dug into my heart. i recalled my pathetic lil theories that i had made the night before, and i tilted my head back. i told myself that if i did that, my tears would flow back into my head and no one, esp not kaitai would see my signs of weakness. i cant be a ditz, retard and a weakling in front of him. im reading those words again. each and every singel word that he spoke to dimitri, each and every word that utters how he doesn't like me, not even a little, not at all. my heart was breaking, for the millionth time... it's ok, i'll just sew it up again, stitch by stitch, and watch my blood ooze with each motion of the needle. i told myself im ok... i told myself i was alrite and that seemed to have lil effect. somehow, i found myself walking over to b's table, my smile upon my face again. i asked for a pen, fiddling with her pencil case, catching that red sweater out of the corner of my eye, but i dare not to look straight at him. i ramaged with b's pencil case, pretending to look for a pen that i liked... i chose one at random and grabbed a caramel. i popped it into my mouth, and smiled weakly. rebellious huh. eating in class. viva la rebellion. sure. watever. i kept going back for bree's caramels, i guess thats what kept me going all morning, all the sugar and glimpses of that red shirt. but sugar only lasts that long before u start breaking down.
by lunch time, i had gotten sick of caramel and i dragged my lunch bag out of my locker like i did with my gym bag for the whole of that morning. and i allowed myself to follow mel and bree into the busy lunchroom. no room to sit, as usual. reject. teenage trash, thats wat i was. couple moments later, after mel and bree's continuous shouts of "shove it down, we have no room!!!" i seated myself at the edge of the bench beside bree. mel asked if she could have some of my food and i thrusted my lunchbag to her. i guess she must have sensed my dejection as i have never been known to turn down actual food, so she told me she wasn't gonna let me skip lunch and i replied by muttering that i really didn't feel like eating that day. and david asked me what was wrong, making a happie face at the same time. i looked at his happie face and surveyed the rest of the cafeteria. everyone was busy eating, talking, smiling, laughing. everyone with a purpose, everyone doing something, everyone happie and smiling. i felt so out of place. the noise of the entire cafe swarmed in my head and admist the hustle and bustle of the dining place, i felt myself shrink into nothingness. i couldn't see lilz, i couln't see shar, i couldn't c may, or rach, or madz, or lex, or bree or mel. i couldn't see anyone. everyone just melted away for a sec. and i couldn't recall what i was doing there where everyone was so happily enjoying their food. then i saw him... in the next table, laughing it all up, probably planning another food fight. and everything came back... the noise, the ppl, the smiling faces, mel's voice... everything just exploded in my head. and i couldnt take it anymore, everything just went out of control and i could do nothing but cry. and i couldn't let the whole school c me break down like that. so i walked away from the table and broke into a jog, finally running out of the lunchroom, my tears strewn across my face. i headed towards the washroom. i heard mel and bree calling out behind me, but i didn't turn. i couldn't bring myself to face anyone at the moment. they caught to me and i slumped against the wall, me claiming im okay. i needed time alone then, to sort everything out. so they left me and i seeked refuge in the upstairs washroom. crying. i hate myself for being such a weakling, i hate how i had chosen sometime in school for everything to sink in, i hate how he could not care at all, i hate everything about him, i hate how unfair the vball tryouts are, i hate how dysfunctional my family is, i hate how everyone's driftin apart, i hate how my grades are slipping, i hate how i keep thinking bout him, i hate how everything bad's related to him, and i hate the way i just cant seem to hate him at all... im so useless, i cant even keep my eyes dry for a single day. everything only comes out as tears, they're just as useless as me, they do nothing but make me even weaker. so i spent my lunch in the upstairs washroom until kristen found me and attempted to drag me back to the lunchroom but i wanted to get out into the open air and let oxygen flood my suffocating brain again, let the chilly air shake some sense into it, let the wind howl into my ears how i dont need a guy like him, and let the roar of everyone that didn't need me fill the emptyness of my soul. but i saw him at his locker, he red jacket stood out so much against the cream lockers. everything else dissolved and im in tears again, so i fled into the changeroom and spent 15 minutes trying to fix my broken face, my broken spirit, my broken heart...
Throwing you kisses @ 4:14 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
