Saturday, January 08, 2005
wow, this has truly proved to be the longest week in the entire history of my life... history hahaha, i crack myself up... must be the food. but i bet all the food in the world wont spare me the tears that shall accompany this entry. or maybe they will, since i've always seen this coming anyways. ha, im psychic.
i was talking to dimitri as usual. i've realized that i do have the biggest chat log with him which is hardly any surprise at all since he's such a good talker and always has advices for the weak like me to dish out. and not only that, he always manages to make me laugh, which is always good at times at these. sigh. well, back to the story, i was just talking and dimitri told me of the 3 hour long convo he had with kaitai on wednesday. so i screamed on msn and griefed over how i wasn't there to catch him... sigh... we weren't meant to be after all. but thats not the main point of this entry. the thing is... after dimitri told me of his 3 hour long convo... he told me that kaitai will not be going to any schools in toronto next year thus meaning that he will be ditching us, ditching me after 5.5 monthes... i guess i wont be seeing that guy then. i knew he wasn't going to go to the same schools as i was so thats ok... i knew bout it then didn't i? of course i did, y woulnd't i? he lives in mississagua and well, him being all smart and athletic, he'll easily get into any high school that i cannot even dream of getting into. i knew he was going to be completely separated from us once the year is done and i'll never see him again. i've known that long time ago... so im ok... but if i was okay then why do i still feel all twisted and uneasy inside while im writing this? i know im not going to be seeing his face again unless at class gatherings, he even said so himself and honestly. he doesn't care that he's going away and ditching all of us behind, he made ivy's presence and departure at dimitri's place sound so casual, claiming he only "half-raped" ivy cause that was the last time we would ever see ivy again. he said it with such ease that it pained me. it pained me to know that all my dear dear friends at JGA would be going separate ways soon and it pained me ot know that he didn't care at all, much less about me. i'd be a thing of the past, a tear in the ocean of memories, amongst which he'll never be able to recall. he'll never remember that i existed... he'll be admist the hundreds of other new attractive, talented girls... and i'll be nothing compared to them... i dont like putting this down... i dont like the way how im chocking while im writing and i dont like the way how much i care about him, and i really dont like the way how i could care so much about someone who cared so little bout me.
but im ok... i truly am... i see no tears on my cheeks, my eyes are still ok, they're not brimmed with tears like they used to be, bit moist but not flooding. i guess it's all too far away to truly relate. its hazy and foggy away in the distance, and whenever i try to grasp that fact, it only drifts farther and farther away from me, seeming less and less like reality. and i would fling my self at that distant image, only to fall on my face... pathetic me. but i
am that pathetic lil person... watch me break into a thousand pieces on friday, and watch me cry. watch me fall as i paste this convo...
:(DEPRESSED?: i feel like seducing someone before the
year ends
[11:50:40 PM] Mystery Gree: u cant really help it, i mean, you spend
ur entire day to come to ur shool just about
[11:50:44 PM] Mystery Gree: seducing someone?
[11:50:46 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: :D
[11:50:54 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: yes
[11:50:58 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: thats right
[11:51:05 PM] Mystery Gree: hmm
[11:51:06 PM] Mystery Gree: who
[11:51:19 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: make my stay at JG worth while
[11:51:22 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: ur pick
[11:51:26 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: make it a good one
[11:51:33 PM] Mystery Gree: hmm
[11:51:38 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: i dont care
[11:51:49 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: no one farfetched
[11:51:58 PM] Mystery Gree: lol, try marija
[11:52:05 PM] Mystery Gree: get past ketchup boy
[11:52:13 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: lets not
[11:52:21 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: cause he got friends
[11:52:24 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: if u know what i mean
[11:52:30 PM] Mystery Gree: yeah
[11:52:33 PM] Mystery Gree: scary friends
[11:52:55 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: come on
[11:52:57 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: ur pick
[11:53:17 PM] Mystery Gree: rachel? dorcy? madi? bridget? kristen?
[11:53:49 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: right...
[11:53:53 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: choose one
[11:54:28 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: ....
[11:54:34 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: so....
[11:54:34 PM] Mystery Gree: eny meeny miny mo
[11:54:52 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: catch the penis on the go
[11:54:56 PM] Mystery Gree: ha
[11:54:56 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: ....
[11:55:11 PM] Mystery Gree: try rachel and dorcy as back up
[11:55:26 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: back up?
[11:55:32 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: whos the first choice
[11:56:32 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: ?
[11:56:39 PM] Mystery Gree: i dunno
[11:56:41 PM] Mystery Gree: dorcy?
[11:56:57 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: u sure
[11:56:58 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: ?
[11:57:21 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: cause i like being remembered
[11:57:44 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: u absolutely sure?
[11:57:58 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: cause i might leave a "lasting" memory
[11:58:02 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: if u know what i mean
[11:58:35 PM] Mystery Gree: what?
[11:58:55 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: nvm
[11:58:58 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: u sure about this?
[11:59:06 PM] Mystery Gree: u dun have to
[11:59:10 PM] Mystery Gree: i chose at random
[11:59:14 PM] Mystery Gree: u no like dorcy?
[11:59:18 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: cause my school days are pretty boring
[11:59:20 PM] :(DEPRESSED?: not really
[12:00:16 AM] :(DEPRESSED?: besides basketball, school is kinda gay
right now
[12:00:19 AM] :(DEPRESSED?: so
[12:00:25 AM] :(DEPRESSED?: u have to be sure about this
[12:00:33 AM] :(DEPRESSED?: cause i dont really know about any of
them
ha, seducing... well i knew he wont like me... and here we go, another piece of proof to prove my theory rite. so he wanted to seduce someone eh? someone in our class... someone whos not mel, kristen, sarah, pauline, or may. wait... and me. so its either bree or suz... i wont go into my theories for that nite... they're there, under plain site... kaitai had no prob with one of the girls in the list and well... sigh not gonna cry 2nite... it didn't really sink that nite... i had a good nite's sleep. i knew kaitai didn't like me, and even more so because of this convo. but there's always part of me he's being the liar that he was and this is just another one of his lil lies. and him asking dimitri to make sure... well, i dont know how to explain this but yes, i did try to find excuses to put off all the hurt im feeling inside and somehow... they
did manage to comfort me in a way... i stil live in my own lil world of lies, convincing myself that i still carry a place in his heart. but its ok... i can drop a thousand miles from my castle of white fluffy lies and fall onto the harsh and bitter cold reality and smash myself into inrecognizable smitthereens...
Throwing you kisses @ 9:46 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
