Saturday, January 08, 2005
did i ever teel you bout my dad?? im sure i did... he wrote a letter to ms a. how great... he put it into my tests and i didn't even see the letter so innocent lil me just handed it in and on wednesday... the day when i went to bree's house. i think it was during LA or some other homeroom time... and i was called up to her desk and she asked me if i had seen that letter that my dad had wrote... there was one particular phrase that caught my eye. "...she had never gotten such low marks before so i believed that there is something wrong with her...". great... so there's something wrong with me eh? great. is thsi what ur parents do to you?? they tell u that there's something wrong with you? dont they friggin know that negativity only brings negativity. did they ever stop and think that all the put downs i have to put up with from them is what might have resulted this?? and they wonder why i dont like to talk with them about stuff... everytime i do try or attempt to, i end up crying or screaming into my pillows. they never try to look at things from my point of view. i try my best to please them... babysit... grades... tidy my room and all that stuff... its all typical stuff rite? but no matter what i do, how well i do it, its all crap to them... all my anger comes from my family... i noe im much better off than a lot of kids who have to deal with much worse stuff than i do... like the kids from south asia, ones who've lost their parents and friends and their loved ones... but im sorry, i really cant relate, their problems are much more than what i can comprehend. they struggle with the material things in the world, like actual food and water, but what i have to go through is inside myself. no money or things could replace what i feel inside. i hate breaking down. i used to be able keep a happy face in school and make everyone believe i aint got no worries in the wordl, but now im breaking down, my eyes are bloodshot... constantly. i dont talk as much and even when i do... i sound fake... fake to myself. that smile disgust me. how can i keep up a replica of pauline's face when my insides are burning and twisting into nothingness?? i want to believe im strong, and i dont need anyone but this year has turned my life completely upside down. i remember summer when i was ms independent. i dont need no one. no matter who gets me down, i could always bounce back and look onto the bright side of life. but as the days moved on, i find my rebound time would lengthen and extend... i find it harder to move on. the things that got me down just keeps on haunting my mind. i cant rid them from my mind... it bugs me how weak i have become. i break down into nothingness over almost everything now. that isn't like me. i used to be strong, i've survived tons but what is wrong with me?!?!?! i dont know... i want to be strong, i want to be my own girl... but somehow, everythng's seems to be in my way... i used to be able to be able to withstand the pain that those wounds gave me... i used to be able to heal those openings so easily. but i guess they never truly healed... and it doesn't do me any good that its always the same scars that get busted open each time and time agian... the same weak spots... making the healing time longer and longer... i let my tears roll down in class... no one really noticed... so thats good i guess... sigh... this entry is much longer than i had expected... and im still 2 eventful days behind schedule.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:45 AM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
