Tuesday, January 11, 2005
have you ever felt so fed up with yourself that you dont know why the hell you are still alive. everyone you loved either hates you, destests you, ignores you or are annoying to hell by your continuous ramblings. its like that with me now. posting at 7.48 in the morning b4 school even starts. i feel like i do nothing to help the society to change, all i do is add to its problems and as much as i do appreciate everyone helping me out during these times, i cant help but feel that i am an evil person and deserved to be banished to the worst level of hell imaginable because im troubling everyone with what rightly should be my own problems to deal with. i feel no point in me going to school right now. school is so gay. and no its not les/hobo/straight bree, its just gay. there is nothing in it for me anymore. i could just sit home all day and chip away at those heavy textbooks trying to cram all those pointless information into my tiny head and pray to god that they all fit. that way, i wont have to see kaitai or ms anderson or have nearly as much on my mind as i do now... i dont want to stay at home either. i wish i could be a hermit and seek comfort from teh forests or mountains and snow or wherever i chose to be. be away from all that battle of the wits and heart. take a break from everything that i have to deal with right now and spare everyone the worries of listening to me droning on and on and on and on. i refuse to talk about them in school cause it only gets everyone down and take away what rightfully should be their social time. i'll be an outcast then. not that it matters. but on msn... i cant help it... somehow, every convo always leads to me being depressed. srry mel, srry bree, srry joy, srry shar, srry miv. im so sorry dimitri for you having to listen to my babbles everyday. o ya that and im genuinely sorry for misplacing your hist sheet until the last moment. another reason to kill myself over. i make nothing better. all i ever do is mess things up and no one will forgive me and they will all come to hate me when the time comes. my life is like an living anguish... what's the point?? when all that i used to lived for doesn't matter to me anymore. i dont care about my grades nearly as much, they're slipping so thats outta my grasp and maintaining a healthy relationship with teachers... im the challenged one... and everyone that i used to love, hates me or is far away from me, the ones that i love now, i feel indebted to and guilty of everything i had to put them through or purposeless cause he doesn't love me back... a lot of things that had mattered then carries no meanings now. that space between my chest is always empty, a hole inside my soul. thats why i love hugs, they fill the emptiness of that void. but hugs only last taht long before they dissolve into nothingness like the rest of my world. and the only hugs that truly mattered... i never do get or i once did but never will. i hugged on tight, but u obviously didnt do the same, cause now we're drifting apart...
Throwing you kisses @ 7:45 AM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
