Thursday, January 20, 2005
ok, b4 i start to say anything, bear in mind, i had a good day and im happy and that my blog is where i vent my sad/angry thoughts so i can remain happy. so im happy. remember that and dont get worried.
ah well, im scared. really really scared.
this is major poop. im so hopelessly obsessed with kaitai, this scares me. and the way how i can never cover up what i feel on the inside is bugging me too. everyone seems to be able to see right through me, and i have to cover up with lies like im tired or im bored etc etc. i dont like lying, it makes me feel guilty, but its like my way of life now. i have to cover up the way im truly feeling so i can prevent ppl from spending time trying to cheer me up when i know i'll prob be better in the next 5 minutes. i dont like all the attention i get when im sad, so i have to cover up every single time. ms k saw through it, kristen saw through it, dimitri saw through it, bree saw through it, i dont know how many others saw through it, but i hope not many. if im that readable... o god, scary thoughts. but honestly, the whole kaitai thing is driving me crazy, slowly but surely. there are things that i cant even utter to my blog, and that is just plain insane. o god. this is dumb. alrite, im making a list to avoid excess elicting of emotion.
a) cam apparently told kaitai last thurs...
b) except for the pop bottles and nail polish shopping and monologue, he seems to be avoiding me
c) he refuses to catch my eye except when he tried to murder me with snowballs yesterday
d) bree is on much friendlier term with him
e) mel is much braver than me in terms or her flirtiness (sometimes, i wish i was just a tiny bit more flirty)
f) cam told kaitai today again.
g) mel is breaking down constantly
h) sal + jackie
i) ppl are drifting apart
j) kaitai's denying me or so i think, but wait i have proof
heres my logic:
if he knows, then he is obviously not doing anything to chane the situatoin that im stuck in rite now. since he knew from last thurs, which was b4 fri... ahh poo... i dont know any logic anymore. somehow i think the answer's going to be positive, but i know it aint so, but i dont recall anything that proves me wrong... hmm... well, he's just him, nothing changes, except he wont look me straight in the eye. ah there we go, something to prove my positivity wrong. ah poo. and cam keeps trying to make me tell kaitai but how can i??? im going to get rejected and and ahhh!! im going to lose the little that i have left. no fair. poopy. bahh... doing nothing bout it. so there. unless i come up with something ingenius that actually pleases me, which i highly doubt.
o ya, i lost a glove in chamber choir... so now i have only one glove... great, just great.
but im still happy, just teeny bit moody. ^^ so no worries
Throwing you kisses @ 8:20 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
