Monday, January 10, 2005
i feel like falling into and pit and dying there, lying on my back, face facing upwards, gazing up at the sky... the soft gentle clouds rolling by, carefree and wonderful... and i'll be at peace...
but im not at peace... at all. my days of the week are strung together, each event triggers the next, and the next and the next... and my mondya is off to a rocky start. i can only do so much as to pray and wish that the remaining days of this week isn't quite as eventful.
the whole parent talk thing was a disaster. when ms a handed out that piece of paper, she pointed to the "if your teenagers arent talking, we'll teach you how to communicate." and told me to show it to my dad. great... so now she's taking special attention of me like im the disabled, the phsycally challenged, or mentally challenged... or simply put, challenged. the truth is, when she talked about how she had received complaints from parents who claimed their kids weren't talking and not being able to communicate, i just knew it was directed at me. i mean, who else could it be directed at? unless its poor abdullah. truth be told, i feel sorry for him, really. i mean, he's really like in my situation. i wish i could give him my comforts but no matter what, i still find it hard to believe that abdullah has... sigh. poor guy. and it really doesn't help when i know i couldn't show my parents that nyways, they'll just raise a racket out of it all, demanding to know what i meant out of all that. do you know how hard it is to know that once upon a time, your teacher really liked you and now all of a sudden you're her center of attention because you apparently have some sort of mental problems that need fine tuning?? sure, you've all been through the awkward teenage years... but do you really remember what it is like? if you do, then you should know that the best thing to do is leave me be to sort everything out. you just know i wont be able to say what i want with you and it really hurts when i cant. so why make me hurt and hate you even more when the truth is i loved you?? is that what all parents wanted? for their kids to hate them when they loved them so? this is bull. school, ms a, problems... never a happy day. i love it when work surrounds me, so i can shut out everything ms a is saying bout me or kaitai and liam are saying. anything to get me away from the life i once loved and cherished.
kaitai doesn't help either... neither does veljko. veljko really has done it this time... cutting into my life, or rather bree's. im not sure if he likes me, i higly HIGHLY doubt it and im not going to be bothered trying to figure that out. its really pointless cause veljko never made any serious decisions in his entire life, his crushes never lasts more than 4 weeks... they come quick, but dissolves quick too. great guy that one is. but bree, thats another story. she hasn't the faintest clue bout whats happening to her since that friday and well, i just pray that she let her senses guide her and not fall into the trap of that coniving veljko.
kaitai was writing the thing for the newsletter and i was just so happy that you know... it was great... but then i would start all that negativily and everything would rush back. something tells me that he knows and i dont know what exactly. or maybe my avoiding him makes it seems like he's avoiding me. i dont know... when i tried to talk with him about the ms anderson problem. god what was i thinking... y would he wanna know bout something so trivia as that? but good news is, it only lasted 1 minute. he really cared, didn't he? i could tell he was in a hurry to go and leave. i wont blame him, it takes 1 hour for him to get home... so its ok. i tell myself its ok. i told myself so many things but they never seem to come true... so he left... and all of a sudden... my eyes were flooded again. stupid tears. they dont ever listen to me. so i spent bonding time with the washroom and joy who stuck by me. wonderful times those were. but i couldn't resist going outside again, all the glistening white snow had an unknown temptation towards me lately, im so drawn to open air. so i stepped out and stood there, the wind going through my hair, breathing hard against my tear streaked face. nothing red in sight. i walked further on and came to the corner of the wall and there he was, standing there, as if waiting for someone to come along. he saw me... so i turned, initially to walk back in, but something wont let me so turned and walked the other way from the busstop. kicking snow... splattering all that ice blobs against the rotten tree trunck, very chunk of ice venting out my frustration, my screams, my anguish. after what i deemed to be enough ice chipping, i turned round. he's gone... sadness overwhelmed me again. i dont know why. it's not like i had expected him to stay there and come up to put his arms around me and bring console to my heart. but still, i refused to go back in. i walked further down until i reached the pavement and i turned to look. he's by that junction... still looking back at JGA... he prob saw me... so i turned round and pretended to wait for a ride. the tears came again. i hate you tears. why do you always make me look like a weakling. i hate you, my friends are always worried about me whenever u make you prescence. i hate you, you only seem to make things worse... ever since the first day i started crying 13 years ago, my life is in for a wreck.
Throwing you kisses @ 10:15 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
