Monday, January 03, 2005
It was a horrible, HORRIBLE day i tell you.
i will not cry. i will not cry. i will not allow my tears to fall in front of them. i will not allow my tears of my hatred fall. i feel nothing but hate, nothing but o god... i hate my life.
Guess what, first i c when i step into the classroom, i get new sitting plan. i dont mind this one... but kaitai... sitting with bree... i wanna cry!!! i wanna sit beside him!!! o grr. i was upset bout that 4 awhile until it was the afternoon and i got my math and pic book grades back... It was sooooooooooo HORRIBLE. EVERYONE GOT BETTER THAN ME!!! WTH IS THIS WORLD COMING TO??? im not saying i cant be beaten but wth... i sooooo deserve better. ok, i know im not the best writer or best question come-upper... but what did i do to deserve a friggin 百分之七十三 和 百分之八十五. that is pure evil!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i would kill myself over it then and there, if i wasn't in school and if there wasn't ppl i love still in da world. its not like i dont blame myself enough for this. i know i should have cared more, i know i shouldn't have let the xmas spirit be all over my head. but it the one thing that happened that isn't nearly as good as what it should be. its my fault. i know it is... it's unfair in some ways, but i only really have myself 2 blame. i didn't really spend enough time on it. i mean, i have my downtimes and that week b4 xmas was just pure slaughter for schoolwork. so i wasn't in the rite mind for studies. i noe studies should be rite up there, being no.1 on my list. but hell, what about kaitai, what about everything else that has been bugging me?? and it REALLY has NOTHING to do with kaitai with my grades anyways. i just lost it that week. that was all that happened. i cant help but be a lil over my head when that time comes. and its not like i dont blame myself. it was me. i shouldnt have lost it and i shouldn't have done so many things that affected my grades. BUT THEY FRIGGING SURE AS HELL DIDN'T HAVE TO RUB IT ALL IN!!! i cant talk with them about ANYTHING now without ending up in tears or agony. isn't that ironic? the ones that i used to love with all my heart are now always ending up causing me to cry. its a diff case with kaitai but my very own parents doing thsi to me. dont they knwo there are other stuff going on in my life?? wait... nvm.. nothing besides acedemics exist in their own lil world. so more than half of me can just cease to exist then, i guess. big deal. do they care??? no!! they jsut had to go on and on about how rotten my schoolwork is getting. what am i? some kind of dummy? i dont think 4 myself?!?!? they just have to replay my entire afternoon over again, drowing me in my sadness and anguish once again. notice how i use drowing and being sucked into a balckhole a lot?? guess why. ha. betcha never guess. ha! so now... im...
~BANNED FROM MSN
~BANNED FROM SHOPPING
~HALF AN HOUR OF INTERNET A DAY
~ONLY CAN USE MORE ONLY IF I GET NOTE FROM ANDERSON STATING I NEEDA USE DA INTERNET DESPERATELY FOR RESEARCH OF PROJECT
~GONNA HAVE LONG TALK OR WRITE LETTER TO ANDERSON (dad not me)
~NO MORE BLOGGING
great isn't it? i LOVE my life and i haven't even gotten to the other parts thats been buggin me 2day, as usual kaitai... man, i take everything 2 heart 2 much. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. i swear, im going to go crazy sometime... im going to die soon. everyone's that i've loved has made me cry in one way or another. those who didn't, i'll only learn to appreciate them more with time.
Bad things:
~didn't get 2 sit with kaitai
~kaitai might have affections for ...
~math is screwed
~LA is screwed
~Dunno time for vball tryouts
~prob not gonna make it anyways
~got long lecture from dad for swooping grades
~got emotional breakdown from rents that i once loved and adored
~feel even more isolated from family than before
~not going to be able to have smooth convo with WONDERFUL friends on msn anymore
~monolog made me cry in school
~kaitai still thinks im a retard
~anderson prob hates me now for my stupid work
~no cool pink top to go 4 2morrow
~think im going crazy
~think im going way too distracted from studies
~think studies is going to drive me away from getting in touch with my feminine side
~life is screwed
Good Things:
~i love my friends
~i love my supportive friends
~i love my loving friends
~i love my understanding friends
~i love my friends
~i love kaitai
~i have a good group (dimitri ;P)
~i got my vball form signed b4 2day
~get 2 c all my friends 2morrow
~get to leave home in exactly 9 hours and 20 minutes
~get to c all my friends in exactly 9 hours and 20 minutes
~feeling better after blogging
~stopped crying
~i caught kaitai smile a lot today (not at me, but o well)... nice warm fuzzy feeling (who came up with these terms anyways??)
~get to smack all frustration into vball 2morrow (even though i wont prob make the team taht way)
~i love my friends
~i love everyone that loves me and one that doesn't
Throwing you kisses @ 8:43 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
