Tuesday, January 18, 2005
its amazing what a little reminder from others can do. upon their reminder i suddenly began to think back to how much i have changed too.
i dont know if its term 2 or just the new year when i'll be pacing into the glorious age of 14, but i've changed, changed so much. i still remember the beginning of the school year where everyone was dorcy=smiling face. but now, that equation barely ever works now. i still laugh and smile, but i've lost that glint in my eyes that i used to have. i feel so empty and hollow inside. i want to blame it all on kaitai, ever since i fell for him, things are going from bad to worse, the breakdowns are more and more frequent at a rate that astonishes me and not that many things about myself surprise me. but i tell myself i cant blame him, it would have to be me. my views about things and people are changing, and im not too sure if i like waht im experiencing.
school. i used to care so much. i still do, only now, i'd shrug it off and keep it in a dark corner inside me never to be extracted or i'll blow a fuse and explode in ur face. im beginning to think that i care less and less about school now. but thats not true, i still try to complete things to the best of my ability but when the results come, i dont have violent outbursts anymore. i cant explain this. i seem to care but not anymore. its so confusing. maybe im doomed to end up as a poor pauper girl lying on the streets shivering in the face of harsh cold winters. i still want to have a bright future but presetly, my life looks so bleak. i dont even see the point of going on for tomorrow. sielski still has the motivation of seeing sarah that keeps him going to school. what do i have? kaitai? all he gives me is hurt and frustrations that i will never be able to comprehend or deal with. all my friends... they all have their own lives and somehow, i constantly feel that my problems dont fit in, and the last thing i want to do is make their lives any similar like mine. besides i can always talk with them when im away from mz anderson and ppl. i dread the time when i'd come home. its not like i talk with my rents taht much anyways. sometimes i feel that the only reason that i spend so much time on my blog is because i feel dreadfully lonely insides. its a shallow web, but the loneliness that reaches our hearts are ncredibly deep. i've dealt with so mnay problems before, but none like these of nowadays. i've survived so much... but with age, i grew more conscious of the things that surrounds me and the more conscious i becomes, the more emotion i experience, and most of the time, its hurt or anger. im getting ungrateful, i used to laugh at the tiniest things but now my laugh sounds so fake and sometimes i wonder why i laugh if i dont mean it, apparently its because i dont have enough of a life to do or show what i reallymean. but no one understands that. im just doing that so others will dorcy is still happie and all bumdeedoo. its just a cover up. o god, i hate this year, im burning up... just knock me out. i dont want to go to glenforest. i dont want to be in the same school as kaitai. just knock me out. he's gonna torture me even more... JUST KNOCK ME OUT!!!
Throwing you kisses @ 9:12 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
