Friday, December 31, 2004
another sleepless nite no thx to him. laid on my bed awake till 7 that morning.
i was at dimitri's house, so was kaitai. no one knew how deeply stirred i was to see him before me again. love, hate, happiness, depression. i wanted to throw myself into his arms and entrust everything to him yet i want to pound him, for all that he put me through. but i know my fists wont do any damage against him, they'll fall like raindrops against his chest just like my tears onto the ground. pitter patter. my world is raining constantly. it's raining and it's grey, i've been seeing grey for the past three monthes. whoever said love was bliss is blind. all throughout my stormy days, i c no colour in my world except for flashes of brilliance when he smiles at me. then all the grey backs away, and color rushes to replace what grey had claimed, but only for a split second. i've lived for those seconds but time and time again, im let down. for i NEVER see those colors, ever! i dont recall when was the last time i saw my world in full colour.
When we were locked into the bathroom... omfg. my computer hang on me when i had written one of my longest entries ever. thats not FAIR!!!! NOT FAIR!!! not only had i lost what i wanted to say then and there, i lost my longest and one of my most emotional entries EVER!!! I DONT LIKE THIS AT ALL. first kaitai, and now i cant even write down what i feel without my computer crashing. how the hell is that fair to me?!?!? everything i had down... its GONE, ITS FRIGGIN GONE!!
... so anyways, we were in the bathroom and mel and bree were talking bout how if they could go back in time, they would undo everything that they messed up in. i let my hair cover the half of my face to prevent ppl from catching my eyes, ones that were brimming with tears. i have nothing to mess up with in the first place. NOTHING. i expected all of this. i knwo there would be nothing for me to gain in the first place out of this whole thing. but i dont know... if i knew then why am i still crying? am i still hopelessly hoping that something will come out of all this?? i tried to stop my tears in that bathroom and almost succeeded until kaitai came busting in through the locked door. (ps. its so tedious to write the same thing over and over again but I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN!!! there's no other way i can convey myself. i rely on my blog sooo much now. its so hard to talk with ppl in person when you crying throughout it all so i need this blog. i need it bad.) all the time when we were phoning dimitri's family, i sat on the floor, grieving at my own ill fortune. im all to blame. its my fault completely. i shouldn't have fallen for someone like kaitai. i shouldn't have chosen him. i shouldn't have let myself fall so deep within love's grasp. i should have listened to dimitri when he said either tell him or ignore him but never in between. i failed. i went in between and now im a mess, a complete disaster so when he came busting in that door, i was scared out of my wits. there i was sobbing over him never going to know and all of a sudden he's there, rite in front of me. my emotions messed themselves up for the millionth time in a mere 2 weeks. to me, i wasn't just shocked at his sudden appearance. him opening that door meant so much more. that door, its like the door to my heart and he opened it, but he broke the key to my heart when he did so. BROKEN. he opened my door but shut me out of his. but i'll always love him cause there's no one else that can enter my heart without the key that he broke. he left me hanging there. not knowing what to do. caught between a rock and a hard place. i know i cant go on not loving him, or loving him... he will never come around and realize that i like him. he's too thick and im too much of a coward. so many times i could go up to him and say what i meant, but all those times i backed down to the challenge and my heart overpowered my mind. i "hid" my love all "too well". to him, im just another brat. around him, i tried to hide by converting everything i felt for him into hate. and i suceeded. i hated him. HATED him. but when he thrusted that door open and i saw him standing in the doorway, i... i... i... o god, wth am i saying?? i thought him as one of those hercules person and im that d.i.d. wishful thinking. i know it impossible for it to ever be true. he might have "saved"
us but he'll never save
me. im too insignificant for his noting and im dying inside... no one can save me except him. but he's the one that broke me in the first place! i'll never be truly happie. and no matter how hard i try... i cant shake myself of the feeling i have for him. he haunts me. its hopeless how i told myself that i would let time ease my pain, yet i fail again and again, creating new wounds as the time progresses. time is no match for the fast inclining rate of the hurt i feel. and its no use talking to ppl about these stuff. i cant talk when im all in tears, and i hate to be a downer. i dont want to overwhelm ppl with my own lil problems. i know as much as it may pain me, they carry little meaning to those uninvolved, esp kaitai. so i'll keep everything i feel a secret and probably carry them to my grave if i must. i want him to be happy. and david said that kaitai doesnt want to change for a girlfriend rite now, he likes the way he is rite now. so i'll not burst his lil bubble, i'll let him stay that way for as long as he like... i'll not hinder his happiness even if it means more days, weeks, months, years of bloodshot eyes. sounds so noble... too noble... fake ish even. i admit, there are times when i wish i could come clean about it all and clear my mind once and for all all that i tried to deny. but i noe its selfish... so ya.
i miss the summer. the summer where i told myself i didn't want a guy. the summer where i tole myself i'd never fall at the mercy of a guy, the same summre where i ridiculed all that i saw on tv. whatever happened to those promises. all empty ones, all broken. i did want a certain guy, i did fall at the mercy of one, and i ended up doing all that happened on television. cliched... all to cliched. but im a very typical girl with a very typical fairy tale ending dream. and i cant change or control my heart. my mind knows all that is happenning is wrong and horribly stupid but so many times my heart got the upper hand. i wanted kaitai to like me, i really did. so y do i spend my time avoiding him? lex brought up a good question. if i did that at dimitri's house, whats to prevent me doing it at school. theres only 6 more monthes of school left. only... but still alot of time to be avoiding someone. this isn't the way to go on... i know it isn't. but what can i do to stop it all. shar said that,
"When you're in love, as much of a pain as it can be, you have something to look forward to seeing everyday. Even if you're mad, you're occupied with your love and when you see the person's face, all your troubles melt away. It cushions the painful blows of everyday life. It makes everything so much easier to deal with." ... love is supposed to be some sort of miracle cream that heals all your wounds. but what if love created those wounds. how would it be able to erase all those scars that it made itself. theres just too much that time and love cannot erase. but then again, love isn't love when it cannot be shared by both. so do i actually have love rite now? i dont know... i've come to realize thats the most frequently mentioned phrase in my blog. ha. what a surprise that is. sigh. i 'll jsut let time caress my wounds, its ok if the scars are still there by the end, cause then i'll have something to hang on to, a souveniour to all these. pleasant or unpleasant, they're all part of me, and everything that once made me whole, that once made me me. i'll still pray for my fairy tale ending with my prince charming and my 薰一草恋情.
Throwing you kisses @ 11:25 AM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
