Thursday, December 30, 2004

so much has happened... so much i've thought about... so much to write down... so much to say... so much to record... yet so much i couldn't do because of kaitai. he's constantly on my mind its hardly funny anymore.

i love him. i love him i really do. but do i need to love him?? do i want to love him? do i enjoy being in love with him?? no, i dont need to love him, no i dont want to love him, and i certainly dont enjoy loving him. so much has happened this nite... happy, sad, exciting, boring, weird, normal... i dont know, im just running outta words... i DONT know anymore... i DONT know anything anymore. look kaitai, this is what i am now... nothing, nothing!! u happy now?? is this what u want?? well, u got it!! im crying!! crying so bad... but u wouldn't know, u don't know how you have been torturing my poor heart for 3 whole months none stop. u don't know how many tears i've shed for you. you don't know u just being there send shivers down my spine. you dont know ANYTHING you've put me through. and i hate you for it, i hate you, i loathe you, i detest you, i absolutely despise you. you lil worm crawling through my heart... making its way to the core, then slowly working your way out again, eating out my bleeding heart bit by bit until it breaks down and fall into pieces. i'm broken, shattered... but you wouldn't know that. you wouldn't and you never will. you never cared enough anyways. why would you care about me?!?! hmpf. i cant find one lil reason for you to care except for that I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU. holy.

but thats ok. you dont know so i cant blame you at all. it's all me, isn't it? straight from the beginning, i never should have liked you. it was ALL me. watching you out of the corner of my eye and clutching my heart, snickering at your idiotic feats and words then cussing at myself for ever laughing at you, watching you do "your thing" with other girls and become all soppy eyed then blaming my self for being oversensitive, wishing to be near you when you arent here yet avoiding you when you are then knocking myself on the head for my stubborness. then again. u wouldn't noe. so whats the point??? i ask myself time over time again, whats the point?? at first, i thought it was just you, liking you and wanting ur affections in return... then i asked if i wanted a relationship, then things went foggy. great going there. and then i decided im not going to care until valentines or ur bday and i was all happy for those short lived days. and then came the fatal blow that broke me 2 weeks from today. such pleasant memories those were. i bet u didnt know bout my tearful and sleepless nties eh? ha i bet u didn't. i didn't let u noe, i remember.

then today. i saw for the first time in 13 days. all the emotions just chugged 2gether. but in the end i ended up doing what i do best around him, being stupid and virtuelly invisible. im so wondeeful at that. i cant believe i did that though. well then again i could. i feel so useless. it really bugs me how he could be so amazingly stupid yet i would still love him. i want to stop this madness. i noe nothing but tears are going to come out of this hopeless situation. its like im on a fast flowing stream leading to a waterfall. i want to get out, but once im in, im in. and the only way out is to plumage into my pool of tears and drown. great job there dorcy. weren't you the one that declared your freedom during this summer and claimed u never want to feel the tangles of "love"?? so much for my lil promise. then here comes this whirlpool or blackwhole sucking me into its vortex. and I WANT TO GET OUT!!! i really dont know anymore. i guess ugh... wat the hell am i talking about?? o yes i know wat im saying.

well, c. im a selfish lil bum and i take everything about kaitai to heart EVERY SINGLE THING. ok... i g2g2 bed now... so much to say... so much to think... i'll just fall asleep hugging my kt jr bear and wetting my pillow with my tears...

_____________

Dorcy
Call me Dorce, Dolce, Xi

Im simple	Im deep
Im dumb	Im smart
Im conceited	Im self-aware
Im crazy	Im logical
Im loud	Im quiet
Im unfeeling	Im caring
Im messy	Im lazy

Im everything I love
Im everything I hate.



Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough Lorenze Lorenge Lozenges
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai







10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004
11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004
11/14/2004 - 11/21/2004
11/21/2004 - 11/28/2004
11/28/2004 - 12/05/2004
12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004
12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004
12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004
12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005
01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005
01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005
01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005
01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005
03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005
03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005
03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005
03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005
04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005
04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005
04/24/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005
05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005
05/15/2005 - 05/22/2005
05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005
06/12/2005 - 06/19/2005
06/26/2005 - 07/03/2005
07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005
07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005
07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005
07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005
07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005
08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005
08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005
09/04/2005 - 09/11/2005
10/02/2005 - 10/09/2005




Past
Shannie
'laine
Mel
Bree
Shar
Miv
Mitri



Image Credit --> Aethereality
Pixels --> Kawaiiness



This is my space to rant, spaz, kill, rampage and mentally masturbate about whatever, whenever I want and whereever I want. No one said that bitching was supposed to be eloquent or pleasant, so if you're offended, I'm sorry, but you made the decision to read what I wrote. To everyone that might or will offended, if I'm still your friend, no matter what I wrote here, I must still love you enough to entertain you every day. I am not without faults, so excuse me if you will, like I excuse whatever I wrote in here about you. What's here stays here, whatever. Copyright © to ME, Dorcy Xi Chen, unless otherwise stated.