Thursday, December 23, 2004
guess what? i found a reason to hate kaitai.
he's a liar. a good for nothing jock who fronts, goes around telling fibs. hmpf. he told dimitri all that crap about being conservative until 22 but meantime, he spent last year having a crush on rahael. does he have any idea how that makes me feel? all this while, i've been griefing over how centuries-ago he was and how he deprived me of all my joy and bliss with just 1 sentence, yet just less than a year ago, he was busy liking someone else. what happened to his policy of not having anyone special until he finishes university?? tht liar.
dont accuse me of saying im making assumptions. ask anyone, they'll tell you kaitai had a crush on rachael last year even though he didn't admit it. he asked rachael to dance quite a couple times. and everyone admits it even though dimitri said kaitai wasn't the kind to acknowledge that fact. he doesn't show his true feelings. so he was lying to dimitri when he told him that he's going to remain single and not habour any feelings for any girls until he moves on from post secondary. he was LYING!! so why should i trust him when he claim he doesn't know of my feelings for him and he asked madi to dance purely because he doesn't know why at the time. for all care, he could be stringing me along all this time, pretending he doesn't know and stringing me like a puppet, controling my every move, watching me twist and moan in agony.
he was lying. he asked rachael to dance when he liked her even though he denied it and he asked madi, so doesn't that say something??? he's a LIAR!!! a low-life deceived jerk. my insides are burning, as they have been ever since the day i decided to admit i had feelings for him. he knows they're hurting... bad. he does!! he pretends to be an lil angel who knows nothing bout whats going on when insides, he's every single bit satan's offspring. im not paranoid, im not overly suspicious. im just too caught up in my world. the world that kaitai came and trashed it, scrunching it into a worthless piece of paper ball and dunking it into the basket he labelled "easily toyed with ppl".
i really thought i made progress, i shouldn't care, i really shouldn't. but i had just managed to get kaitai to be somewhat my friend and talk bout outside school stuff when all of a sudden he decides to pop by and cut that dangling thin piece of string thats connecting me with my insignificant happiness. i have my little bliss that i try hard to acquire and protect but he has to take it away somehow. the little joy i get came from him in da first place. the first flakes of snow come drifting down and i goes hysterical over them, trying to catch them, but they turn into rain... into little puddles of water before and when they hit my hands. in the end, i could never tell if its the snowflakes or my tears.
yet, i still look forward to talking with him. i know its dumb, its stupid, its moronic, its completely pointless. im a hopeless romantic, a pathetic rose. yet all roses have thorns but i dont have any thorns, all my shields go down when im around him, im unprotected, vulnerable to any damage exposed to me, and he throws words filled with hurful sarcasm at my way, be it unintentional or purposely, they do worlds of hurt. i feel like a bumblebee, without my stinger, im dead within the next few short-lived moments. yet, i let go of my stinger when i need it most, when i talk with kaitai. does he know?? i hoenstly dont know anymore. i was so gullible, willing and ready to believe anything anyone told me, when david told me that kaitai was unknowing of anything, i believed... but now, i have doubts. kaitai could be leading me on. he oculd be. i really dont know anymore.
i shouldn't care, i really shouldn't. i told myself for the last week that there's no hope of keeping on liking him unless i can keep that flame ignited in my veins for 10 more years. but now... sigh im still lost.
there are so many things you cant talk about cause inside you're a bubbling whirlpool with so many emotions thrown in together and you're stuck inside its vortex, unable to get out. no matter how hard you try, you're forever within its grasp, choking for breathe. suffocation. deprived of oxygen, your brain's nothing but a trail mix of random thoughts cloaked by an hazy fog. im choking, im dying... but no one can save me. maybe i'm a little over my head, i come undone at the thing he said, but he's so amazing with that sarcastic smirk, and im so in love that i got hurt...
the least god can do for me rite now is stopping this never-ending soap opera and stop adding new members of the cast to my story such as wes and matt.
Throwing you kisses @ 9:49 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
