Friday, December 17, 2004
ok, so i came to school all weepy and all. crying on the way to school and in classes. i didn't want to look at him at all, that annoying lil person. i honestly hated him after what happened last nite. so much has happened and i didn't blog bout it. so once again, i'll rewind back to yesterday nite.
chatting on msn, as usual. doing my coutdown to DODWIAK, which stands for Day Of Doom When I Ask Kaitai (to dance that is). i didn't have the intentions of telling him everything so a dance it shall be. i was eagerly anticipating the arrival of the dance. and well, it wasn't a short wait. so to kill time and reduce the boredom of the silly math assignment, i started talking with bree and dimitri. they started asking me if im gonna fess up to kaitai the next day. of course i said no and they just went on about the pros and cons bout telling him 2morrow. dimitri says i hold it in too much. well its me. i really dont want him to find out just yet. i mean, in all honesty, i know he's gonna prob reject me and i dont even know what i specifically want yet. which when you come to think bout it, is kinda sad.
after coutless minutes of chattin bout my prob, we started working on bree's prob. god save that girl. she's almost as crazy as i am over her guy. well, she prepares to apologize to him tomorrow but i dont know, the way liam was acting is giving off bad vibes. i told bree tht, just so she could be prepared. after so, we remained silent for a bit, working on our math until mitri comes up with the shocking statements of kaitai. turns out he was working on kaitai for me, yayz! but the statement wasn't very cheerful though. it read:
i would like to be conservative and treat
everyone the same until i finish university, then im
probably going to let it all loose and do some.. you
know... banging
so i dont really want to have too much
feelings for one person.
perfectly encourage for my situation isn't it? i just broke down then and there. i tried to remain clam and ltold bree and mitri to keep on talking without me while i simmer down. i wasn't ma, just greatly disappointed and shaken. tears started fighting to fill the brim of my eyes. i could swear i was screaming. i mean, i had thought bout this concept so long ago too and vowed to stick to it but planning to do it and actually doing it are two different things altogether. i dont feel half the emotions as i did that night, but i can tell you i was sooo miserable. to learn that he probably wont accept anyone until he's 25 is sooo disheartening. and to learn that he wont alow himself to like anyone is everybit as harsh as the first. he cant do that to me! he cant!! not after all this... he's just about the cruelest person on earth. how dumb would i be to ask him 2morrow when i have found out htis?!?! im practically asking for the door of rejection being slammed in my face. i might not be that brilliant but i am after all, still a human being with some brains.
dodwiak is no more, its just not happenning. jeez, come on, hwo stupid can i get to even hope that he would like me!??!?! how could i EVER be good enough for him?? NEVER in a million years. stupid kaitai, how i hate him. making me suffer like this. who he think he is, just stepping in and overwhelming my life with his presence like that. i hate him. he simply cant do this!!!! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM, I DONT LIKE HIM NOT ONE BIT... my series of ranting shall go on forever. in fact it did last night. i was in complete self deceiving. screaming within myself that i dont like him, not even a little, telling myself time and time again tht this is all a irrational phase of mine and that i really truly hate him.
it was a horrible night, huge cramps, puffy eyes, sniffling nose, wet pillow, sleepless night ,all no thx to him. i stayed up crying my eys and heart out, in my frustration i started messing up his picture on da class photo. it was not as stress relieving as i though and i immediately regretted it after i'd wrecked the photo. sigh. irrational actions has its consequences...
so this morning, i sniffled my way to school, with occasional streams of tears escaping my eyes and all through the morning i tried my best to not look at him. i managed somehow. i couldn't laugh at his lame jokes. i couldn't look straight during string class cause god be damned that he is sitting right across us first violins. i stayed avoiding him the entire morning and sat doing what i would usually do with a heavy heart. i cried... in school. im so pathetic. god. sometimes i want to kill myself so much sometime and this is one of those times...
Throwing you kisses @ 10:47 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
