Thursday, December 23, 2004
not seeing him makes it virtually impossible to blog about what happened, but that doesn't stop me from being crazy. its stupid and all, i noe. it's not like im gonna tell him
ever so i might as well stop while im ahead. but somehow, i cant and i dont even know if i want to. all that sense in my lil head is telling me to stop this pointless 13-year-old ish crush rite now and move on, but part of me refuses. i dont know if it's i can't stop or won't stop or a mixture of both. part of me is still insanely crazy over kaitai just like cam (i'll show you where cam comes into all dis lata), and the other part is still living with her heads among the clouds and wishing for some miracle to appear or simply dreaming that this crush will last for another decade and that kaitai may suddenly miracally remember a lil girl called dorcy who was in da same class as he was in grade 8 and suddenly fall madly in love with her for no good reason and rush from wherever he is then and tell her he loves her, when all the while he is saying that after graduation, he wont be seeing any of us besides at class gatherings, which is at most, i doubt three or four times a year during da holidays. completely thoughts of insanity to further prove my weirdness. stupid kaitai. messing up my head, messing with my life. screw him.
it's so crazy how even though, i haven't seen him since last friday which is almost a week ago now, i still think bout him every singel spare minute i get. i guess that's why i spend so much time on the web now. when i'm chatting or doing something else, i'm more or else draining out all thoughts of him. i feel like im escaping from him... yet chatting with him has always been da highlight of my day, even when we're dissing one another, which is more than half the time. i hate myself for not being to have a logical "spiritual" convo with him, like i do with dimitri. but hey, it's kaitai, hardly dimitri at all. to some degree, i
really dont want to think bout him. thoughts of him just screw up my life completely.
im using chatting and the web as an escape, escape from da hurt memories of him give me. but im not saying i chat just so i can escape. dont get me wrong, i love all my friends on msn msg, but i've come to question my other motive of it. i honestly dont want to think bout the dance, even though its pretty much the most... um... wondeeful (i'll just say that) memory i'll ever have with him on account of his very rational chinese like conservative promise to himself. (i have to get over that fact)but it's really hard. if anyone think sielski's the only one who cant get over the dance, they can bang their heads on da wall. o god, i just cant get over the way, he held me, the way how i leaned my head against he shoulders, the way his chest felt against mine, the way we swayed to the rhythm, the way he smelt, the way i had thought i was the luckies girl in da world to be dancing with him, just the way how
everything was that day.
o god, it NOT FAIR!~! he can't be so perfect and he just CANT make me so happy!!! its not fair!! its NOT! he cant!! he can't leave me with no reasons to hate him after he said those things. he NEEDS to give me a reason to hate him. i NEED to hate him, i
need to despise him, i
need to loathe him, i
need to erase him completely from my life. just one lil reason to hate him... just one... but no! he had to be soo goddamn perfect... its just soo unfair!! this is so messed. it hurts, it burns... bad... it really burns to know he meant everything to you, and you meant absolutely nothing to him...
Throwing you kisses @ 9:25 AM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
