Monday, December 06, 2004
have no clue what to think or do... but then again, its not unusual for me to feel like this... there's always so many things that make up my day... hard 2 balance each event against the other... guess i'll never know.
so ya, i guess my day really starts at concert choir. anything before is even more trivia then what im about to record down. so i was sitting in my chair, doing my warm up exercises. i guess the weather was too much for us girls, us 5 had like a coughing chain reaction. it wasn't as funny as it used 2 be, but i guess still somewhat. but i mean, come on, after 1 month and 2 weeks of coughing u cant expect us to find that funny can u??? damn kaitai and his quick recovery. so we coughed through concert choir, sorta. and we did "steal" glances at the baritone.
but i mean come on... (this part is dedicated to mitri and kaitai for being so awfully retarded for such smart guys like themselves) its not our fault the baritones are sitting right across us, straight ahead. i mean, its only common sense that u look straight ahead, rite?? and mel has dvd, bree has lia, lex has todd, u cant blame me, can u?? and yes, even thought i had kaitai sitting rite across from us sopranos, i thought i had restrained my eyes from staring at him all the time. i mean, i have my excuses rite? the baritones are almost ALWAYS doing something incredibly stupid, and u really cant blame me if kaitai "tries" to be the stupidest of them all. i mean, if he wasn't, where did the "kaitai no" phrase come from?!?!?! but hey, where else would i look, even he wasn't here, i'd still look in that direction... i think. i had to look
somewhere didn't i? meh, but kaitai was there... how could i
not look at him?? tell me, how?? and why shouldn't i when everything in my body says that i luv him?? (woah, ok cheesy moment over) but i still admit that mitri has a point, i definitely dont need kaitai to be suspicious when i dont want him to.
after concert, we of course, had the ever-so-dreaded-by-me dance presentation. of course, mel wanted to do it 2day to get it done and over with. i was sitting with may and i was twisting my hands so nervously, i swear i was having like a breakdown inside of me. it wasn't the face i wanted to show around ppl esp kaitai, what he think of me now?? some weakling. then again, i always has been and will be a softie. its me, i dont enjoy being the push-over but i will have my say when im compelled to. well, anyways, mitri, kristen, bree, mike and lia's group was sooooooo awsm. they have a completely cool routine and lia with his stunts and mike with his cool electrified moves. bree and kristen with their complete coordination and of course, the man behind the scenes, dimitri, choreographer of all that lia's applaud winning moves. lolz.
so i went next and u shoulda seen me. i was sooo nervous, i messed up so bad..... not that ms A would know... but it wasn't the best i could dance... and definitely all the passion need for that latin tune to work just wasn't there and oh i dont know, everything seemed wrong with my performance. the guys were better than i thought they would be but by not giving it all, the moves seemed awlkward and so upsetting to me. im sounding the never-can-be-satisfied-gal inside me again. but i wanted everything i do to be perfect, for me and for him. i wanted him to see me as someone whos worthy of having a crush on him. i really dont ask for much. u guys should know by now, just standing like a metre away from him is like pure time in heaven. but i guess, my performance was nearly as good as what i'd like mine to be.
but when i went to sit down on my seat and grumbled with that voice inside of me, kaitai said the nicest thing he has ever said to me. "dont worry, it was good" i was at shock. and i sat there in a really stupid way, still twisting my shirt that i had covering my face in an attmept to hide myself from reality. i wasn't sure if the voice had come from kaitai. omg, could i have been hallucinating? is it true that kaitai actually had the heart to say something half decent to comfort me? yes, Yes, YeS, YES!!!! he did, HE DID!!!! i turned to look at him, but he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at the performing group. "it was good" he said to me, still emotionless. but inside of
me, emotions were being stirred, everything was being tossed and turned like a salad (wow that was an awful description), i honestly didnt know what to feel, gratitude? doubt? confort? denial? happiness? or self-pity? in the end, i said the dumbest thing i could have ever said. i guess doubt, denial and self-pity conquered gratitude, comfort, and happiness after all. so i went,
"you're just saying that". how could i? when after all those monthes when i'd been wishing and praying for something nice being said to me coming from his lips, something like the two short sentences he had just uttered to me. it was just a mindless comment, a soft mutter, but to me, the words are still pounding in my ears. i want to hear them, forever and always. i want to be able to hold the words close to my chest and hear them whispering in my ears over and over again, knowing that he cared, he has a sweet side, a sweet side that he would show 2 me, a girl!! not one of his guy friends. mel was rite, he could be so sweet when he wants to be. yet waht can i do?? question him!! how could i?!?! but instead, he went "no, im honest, it was good" how i would have hugged and kissed him then. i loved him and now only more. how could i ever find my life someone as perfect as he is? i stared at him, his face still emotionless. as much as i wanted to hug him, i would really want to have a dagger in my knife and drive it deep into him. how can he be soo cold?? im dying!! and its ALL his fault. ALL HIS!!! he's the one that made me on the brink of hysteria for 2 whole monthes. he's the one that made me crazy with each word he says to me. he's the one that kills me with his words, his smile, his
everything!!! It's ALL his fault. he cant do this to me. he CANT. it's not fair to me...
its not, not fair at all...im ok. really, stupid mood swings. meh. so ya then i was on msn and talking wiht mitri and mitri pointed out that kaitai knows chinese too. to think i was dumb enough to forget all aobut that fact. i mean its not like im scared for him to find out but i admit i do feel uneasy. i still dont know what i wanted, i still am asking myself the same questions i asked myself one month ago. but hey, i mean, being the idiot kaitai is, he probably wont be able to put two and two together anyways. i mean, of course he's one of the smartest guy in the grade but hey, if he doesn't wanna go there, there's no reason his brain would be albe to draw the line. i thought that i felt exactly as i had said, a watever attitude. then i saw his screen name. it changed!!! it CHANGED!!!
when???? WHEN?!?!? i mean, if he came online that would mean he saw my name and i noe he's already suspicious cause he asked mitri why mel and bree and I were staring at them (him) during concert. deep inside, i admit. i was afraid, very afraid. but i cant care now. what's done been done. its not like he's online most of the times anyways. i just have to take things one step at a time. i dont want to mind too much. i really dont. *sob*
im not as crazy as i sound... really, REALLY
Throwing you kisses @ 8:53 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
