Monday, December 27, 2004
i've had nearly two decent days at mel's house being all carefree. and on the evening when i get back, i plunge back into my sad and depressing hopeless black hole filled with all my deepest sadness and misery. my sos signals ignored, im left to splutter and gasp as i fight back my tears but to no avail as drown in my sea of agonizing tears.
i used to think i use chatting as my escape from reality... but the truth is... msn brings me much more hurt that reality ever did. i love all my friends on msn msg, but one especially, and that one always manage to inject pain into my system, bit by bit, lil by lil until my body can take it no more and starts to break down... bit by bit, lil by lil. just as slowly as you roll off those words of your tongue, driving daggers into my heart. every lil thing u said about me, to me, it etches in my already bleeding heart, making a scar as alphabet by alphabet, they ingrave their initials and leave a scar where on they've been. all the tears i've let streaming down my pale cheeks is nothing compared to the blood of misery my heart has shed, it's dead, dead beyond rescue. yet, my heart wont stop beating, they hang on to the only thing that kept them alive throughout all this... you. its dead because you killed it, yet its still beating because it wont give up on you. you killed it, yet u made it alive again, making it suffer at your mercy. it cringes in pain when hands fail to type what they meant to say time over time, replacing it with meaningless words to cover up the hurt and love the heart has felt and will feel. it leaps when your purple words come onto the screen, yet drown when those words speak nothing but of sarcasm and jeer. it collapses when hands fail to do what was meant to impress you. it chokes when ears hear bout its host not being able to attend a gathering where you will be at. it keels over when the mind learns that the only thing that keeps the heart beating is going to stab it one day and decided to stop the heart from this irrational act. the heart's foolish enough to believe in fairy tales do come true and that its body was able to prevent itself from being a complete retard in front of of the only one that will stop the water works.
i told you i didn't care what u said, i told you i didn't mind what u did, i told you u didnt matter a thing to me. i told you i thought u a retard, i told you you were too trivia for my attention, i told you everything i had denied about you. i loved you, more than you can imagine. you made me laugh, you made me cry... more than anyone ever did. so what did i do to deserve all this?? because im not perfect enough for you?? because you didn't care what i said, because you didn't mind what i did, because i didn't matter a thing to you. because you thought me a retard, because you told me i was too trivia for your attention, because everything you said about me was true. you don't love me. i fail to make you laugh, except when you're mocking me, and i fail to make you cry, cause i'm simply a nothing. everything i've done wasn't good enough, everything i did wasn't right. nothing i ever did felt like enough. i wasn't anything in your eyes, and i'll never be. you break me and its not falling back into place again. im shattered. the dreams behind these eyes broken into a million pieces, so much tears welling up in these eyes and only you can make them disappear. i told myself a thousand times not to cry but how can i erase my tears when the only one who could make it stop is the one that made it start? time after time, i tried to impress you. but you wont realize that because i fail, each and everytime i try. im drowing in ur voice, mesmerized with your words and engulfed with the face i imagine behind the screen. my brain dead, dead because you aren't logical and every thought is occupied by you and you only, nothing i do made sense, becasue you killed all my common sense, and with that you killed me.
im dead but i shall live up to the bubbly joyous face that occupies my exterior while my insides are turning and churning away into nothingness.
Throwing you kisses @ 7:08 PM
Restless
10:28a.m.
Home
Sunny
Yellow Tank + Green LaSenza PJs
$230 (69 thongs)
Nothing
Cough 
No one
Only Hope
Make plans
Thinking
High School
Kaitai
